If you haven’t read the first part of this story, here’s the link. Kindly read it before starting this one.

It was only when I shared my story that I realized that Alfred was the loser. I was here holding him in high esteem because he was my all but people—I mean total strangers online were able to decipher who he truly is without knowing him or meeting him for a second. So I asked myself, “What have I been thinking? Why didn’t I see all these?” The answer that came to mind was, “You won’t know because the one in love is mostly blind to the shortcomings of the subject of her love.”

Most of the comments hit home for me but I copied four comments and saved them on my note app for future reference. I wanted to put them to use and see how things unfold. These were the comments…

“…Did I hear you say that guy is doing what you needed from Alfred? Have you forgotten Alfred also did what u lacked from Eric just to show you his true colors later? Madam, wise up and study any guy that comes your way very well before you give in, don’t let loneliness make u repeat the same mistake over and over again.”

“There is no shame in being alone and learning how to love yourself. If you don’t learn to love yourself and be okay with being alone you will keep attracting these toxic relationships…”

“Find yourself first, what would you want in your future hubby, how would you want him to treat you? Ask yourself all these questions, write them down then start from there…”

“Maybe, you need to stay away from both of them, truly let go of Alfred before you allow another man into your life.

If you read these comments carefully, you will realize that they are all saying the same thing but in a different way. I met Alfred before I let Eric go. The only reason I could let Eric out of my life was because Alfred took his place and filled the void Eric was leaving in my life. I thought I was the winner. I left Eric and run into another relationship telling myself, “I found a better man. Who is the loser now? Who is lonely now?” I opened my arms wide to Alfred believing he was the prince in shining armor who was coming to save the day for me. 

All was well right from the start. He said the right words and took me to places that made my heart joyful. I was still comparing him to Eric and no matter how I compared them, he came up on top so I kept falling deeply and deeply, brushing his shortcomings aside and calling them love. It was when the new guy came along that I started comparing again. Alfred started falling short but I still wanted to keep holding on to him because he was the one I truly love.

One day he got angry again. It was about my job. He wanted me to cook some dishes for him on Saturday but my job got in the way. I called him on Friday night to tell him, “Dear, I can’t make it. Something urgent came up. Let’s do it on Monday.” He flared up and said a lot of demeaning stuff to me. He concluded, “Even those who have better jobs and get paid in millions still get time to cook for their partners.” After saying that he hung up the phone on me. I called him on Saturday evening when I was done. I was going to tell him that I would have time to do it on Sunday but he didn’t pick up my calls. I sent him a text but he didn’t respond to them. I got it. He was gone again. 

A week later, I sent him a message, “It’s alright if you don’t want to talk to me again but know this, by the time you’re ok and want to talk, I won’t be available for you. I’m also a human being. I feel it when it hurts.” He read the message and responded, ”Whatever.” I said in my head, ”This is it. This is where I move on with my life and make sunshine for myself.” I went back to my saved comments. I read them every day and pictured all the steps I was going to take in my mind. I buried myself in my job so I didn’t have to think about him. The new guy was getting closer. He called every day, unknowingly trying to fill the gap for me. I stopped picking up his calls. I spent more time with my girlfriends.

The new guy came to the shop often asking what was wrong. I told him, “I’m battling some issues right now. If you give me a little bit of space, I will  appreciate it.” He pushed me to tell him what the issue was but I didn’t. Finally, he said, ”I’m around. Just let me know when you are ok.” He stopped calling. All I had to do was let Alfred go and be free. It took him one month and three days to contact me again. He came to my shop laughing and pretending everything was alright. He said, “You have bewitched me. You know wherever I go I will always come back to you, that’s why you keep hurting me. I’m back but learn to behave yourself.” I was watching him like a statue would do when you talk to it. He walked closer and said, “See how she’s looking nice.” I still didn’t talk. 

He sat down, I left the shop. Minutes later, he called my phone, I blocked him. He sent a Whatsapp message, I blocked him there too. When I went back, he was gone. Three days later, he called on another phone; “Or your sugar daddy says you shouldn’t talk to me again.” I responded, “Yes, he said it a very long time ago. I didn’t listen but now I’m going to listen to him. Stop calling me. Stop coming around. There’s nothing between you and me again. I’ve moved on. Move on too.” 

He never stopped coming. Maybe he thought I was joking or playing hard to get. I told him, “The next time you come here without seeking permission first, I’ll embarrass you. Don’t dare me.” He stopped coming and instead used other people’s phones to call me. He was asking for the last chance to make things right. I told him, “Your last chance was what you took for granted.”

Slowly, he faded. All I had left was the new guy, who called every now and then to ask if I was ok. I felt he needed to know the truth so I told him everything about me and Alfred; “It’s the reason I asked you to stay away. Now he’s off the scene. I know you like me but at this moment, all I can give you is friendship. If you’re ok with that, that’s fine.” He asked, “So you mean I have no chance with you?” I answered, “I don’t know but I’ve seen good things grow out of friendship. Something can grow. Everything can die. We shouldn’t hold our breath.”

He kept being good. He kept filling the gap. My business and its success became important to him. When I go out for work and I don’t come early, he’ll call and call until he hears that I’m home. He kept being sweet and caring. I kept seeing him as a friend. Some months had passed. I was fine. I’d seen his effort but I wanted more than just effort. That’s what happens when you love yourself first. You give yourself more so you expect others to also give you more. 

READ ALSO: How My Girlfriend’s Boyfriend Became My Best Friend

I was at his house on his birthday when he brought up the proposal again. This time my mind was clear to talk about things. I said, “I don’t know what you want but I know what I want so let’s see if what I want is what you also want. At this point in my life, I don’t need a man to warm my bed. I need a man to warm my entire life and keep me grounded. If I say yes to you, I would like to see a concrete plan that will take us from here to there. If you’re ready. I’m ready. You already know me. I know you too. Lay down your cards and let’s see. 

Eight months later, here we are talking about marriage. The plan was to get married in April this year but unfortunately, he got transferred to another town to work. That called for new plans to be made but we didn’t let the month of April pass us by without doing anything. We did the knocking. We got the list. We’ve started getting the items while talking about where to settle once we are married. 

I never thought things would be this fluid. I asked myself, “So it’s easy like that? What was I doing all this while?” But I’m also reminded of the fact that things aren’t generally easy but when you get the person whose dreams match your dreams, things become very easy. That’s the point I find myself now. The new guy is no longer the new guy. He’s the guy—the one that seals all the holes in my heart so I can float again. 

This is the update. When I lost my shame of being lonely, when I studied the guy who came my way, when I found myself first, when I decided to stay away from both of them, this is where I landed. I landed in the arms of the best among the two. All is well.

—Lena

Do you have any relationship experience to share? Email it to [email protected]

NOTE: NO PART OF THIS CONTENT CAN BE REPUBLISHED OR REPRODUCED IN ANY FORM WITHOUT THE EXPLICIT CONSENT OF THE EDITORS OF THIS BLOG.