In the seventeen years that we dated, he was perfect. I know they say there’s no such thing as a perfect partner but John was everything I desired in my Prince Charming. He was a protector and a provider. He had this sweet personality that everyone in my circle adored about him. “John is so soft with you. It’s beautiful to watch you two together,” they would say. I believe that if we were dating in today’s time, other men would have called him a simp. But that sweet and soft nature is exactly why I fell in love with him.

We were good friends. Conversations were the backbone of our relationship. We would talk and talk for hours unending. It was even more intense when we spent time together. Everything was easy. Isn’t that what they say about healthy relationships? That you don’t have to try so hard to make things work? That’s how it was with us. He saw me. Every part of me and embraced me wholeheartedly.

We always knew we would end up married. Even when it seemed like it was taking forever to happen, he was the only one I wanted so we stayed the course. By and by, it happened. Our wedding day. Everything happened according to plan. My happiness was uncorrupted. Why wouldn’t it be? I was marrying the man I believed was my soulmate.

Three days into the honeymoon phase, I did something that made him angry. I knew him enough to know that this wasn’t something that would stir up his emotions. But the outburst he displayed said quite the opposite. He said a lot of hurtful words to me. It was the first time he had ever raised his voice at me. I was so shocked that I couldn’t react.

When he apologized, I forgave him easily. I had already rationalized his behaviour and labelled it as stress due to the marriage ceremony. I believed all he needed was a little rest to get over the stress and return to his true self.

However, as the days stretched, he remained cranky and irritable. Especially after we started getting disappointed every month I got my period. We were so sure that all we had to do was have intimacy regularly when I am ovulating to conceive. Unfortunately, it didn’t happen like that. We tried for months but nothing happened.

John started to run out of patience and it showed in the way he insulted me at the least provocation. Useless. Stupid. Foolish. What hasn’t he called me? He tells me, “The most regrettable thing I ever did in my life was to marry you.” All because I haven’t been able to give him a child. On his bad days, his abuse gets physical. He beats me black and blue.

When it comes to his duties as a husband, he doesn’t fulfil them. He doesn’t give me money to do anything for myself. I live with my husband but I take care of myself. When it comes to the upkeep of the home too, I contribute. I am doing everything in my power to keep this marriage going but John couldn’t be bothered to lift a finger to meet me halfway.

When it comes to intimacy, forget it. He doesn’t like to touch me anymore. We would go for five to six months before something would happen between us. When I try to initiate, he tells me that he is not in the mood. It isn’t that I am dirty or unattractive. I am very neat; both my body and the house.

I asked him several times if I have wronged him in any way so I apologize. “Whatever you need me to do to make you happy. Tell me and I will do it,” I have pleaded. His response is always silence.

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Did I mention already that he is an unrepentant cheat? He is always rubbing his women in my face. Different ones all the time. I chose to turn a blind eye to his indiscretions. All I asked in return was that he shouldn’t let me see it. I tell him, “Whatever you are doing with those girls, do all of it outside before you come home.” Is it too much to ask for? But he would rather come home and call them in front of me.

My heart is always in pain because of how deeply he hurts me. I know I feel this way because of how deeply I love him. He knows the extent of my love too. It is the reason he treats me with reckless abandon.

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Recently, he was on a call with one of his girls. He said something to the girl that broke my heart. When I heard it, I got angry and fought with him. I poured out all my pain onto him. Some of my utterances were unkind. I even regretted saying them. Since that day, I have cried and apologized several times but he is asking for a divorce.

I asked my family and some elders to plead my case but he still said no. I have been holding on to this marriage for the past nine years despite everything he has done but the moment I lose my cool, he wants a divorce? My heart aches terribly. It feels like I am dying slowly. What can I do to overcome this pain? How can I unlove this man so that I will be free of him? I need help, please.

— Jill

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