Our first fight was grievous. I was shaking. I thought our marriage had come to an end. He went into the bedroom and started picking up my things one after the other. He would throw a bag out and come back for another one. He kept shouting, “If you don’t know how to marry, go to your parents and learn before you come back. Just leave.”

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I didn’t know what to do. I’m too ashamed to say this, but I didn’t know I had to say sorry. I sat and watched him do all the work by throwing my things out. We lived alone in that house. I called my mom, “He’s throwing my things out.” She said, “Say sorry. Just kneel and beg even if you’re the one at fault.”

I did. He insisted I should leave. I sat in the room. Before he left, he told me, “If I come and meet you here, it will be trouble for you.”

An hour later, he was back. I’d packed my things, but he didn’t say anything. He went in and slept. When he woke up, I’d cooked and served him. He ate without saying a word. Later in the evening, we talked. He said, “All I want you to do is put me first. The rest will follow naturally.”

We had been married for just three years, and within those three years, he had always told me not to make any decision without telling him. Well, I felt I was old enough to handle certain things. I invested our money in Mensgold without telling him. I lost everything and still didn’t say anything until he needed the money. That was why he threw me out.

“Put me first,” he said, “and the rest will follow.”

“Of all the great people in my life, why should I put you first?” I asked myself. In my head, I thought that was a selfish thing to say, but because I was trying to calm the anger, I didn’t say anything.

I did my best. In my every move, I told him. Before I made a move at work, I brought him into the move. He shared his opinion. I was not bound to take it by all means, but it was always good to hear the other side. It turned out, once I put him first, he reciprocated and put me first in everything he did.

Nobody’s opinion mattered more than mine. Not his brothers. Not his parents. And not his friends. His favorite line became, “Let me run it by my wife and see what she will say.”

We had our first child. When he came to the hospital, I was the first person he looked for. We talked, and he asked if everything was alright before he turned to see the child. Honestly, I nearly switched when the children came. I wanted to put them first because hey, they were new and new things are usually exciting.

He told me, “If God gives us life, the next twenty years you won’t see these guys here. But we’ll be here, frail and kicking life together.”

Putting him first doesn’t mean everything else isn’t important. It only means everything will come and go, but we are together until death do us part.

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Once I understood this, life became easy. Submitting to his leadership has been the easiest thing I’ve ever done in life. I don’t even see when I’m doing it. While people argue about submission, I’m like, “Is this something people should argue about?”

After nine years of marriage, I don’t believe I’ve cracked the code, but I believe this works, and it’s the reason we haven’t fought in a very long time.

—Khadija

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