I was twenty-four when I started talking about marriage with my parents. My mom didn’t agree. My dad suspected I was bringing home a filthy rich man that was why I couldn’t wait to mature before marriage. I’m the only child of my parents so I used it to my advantage. I told them, “Don’t you want grandchildren? It has always been only me. Don’t you want to see more?”

With time Dad softened his stand. Mom still insisted that I was too young. “I don’t want you to make mistakes,” she said. “If you follow love and its beauty at this stage, you’ll make a lot of unpardonable mistakes.” I told her, “Josh is equally mad about me. He can’t be my mistake. I know him.”

While I was fighting my parents to allow me to marry, Josh was also fighting his own battle with his parents. They were asking him to bring a woman home before his thirty-first birthday. His parents have six children. He’s the only male.

According to his dad, Josh was the only person who could perpetuate the family name. “The women leave home and leave their name behind to carry the name of their husbands,” his father said. “You have to carry the family name on your shoulder so be quick about it.”

While I was being pulled away from marriage, Josh was being pushed into it. We laughed about the irony of our situation. I’d known him since I was nineteen and it had always been me and him. There was nothing we were not doing but one thing we didn’t want to do was have a child outside marriage so we decided to get married as early as we could.

I took Josh home. The first question my mom asked was, “How old are you?” When he mentioned his age, my mom turned away and said nasally, “He’s also not that mature. How are you guys going to do it?”

My dad asked the masculine questions, like; “What do you do?” Are you sure you can take care of my daughter?” “Do you love her so much to go all the way with her?”

My mom’s stand didn’t change and I understood her completely. I was her everything so losing me to a man wasn’t easy for her. She had to clutch on a straw to deny me the opportunity of running from home to live with someone else.

After the first introduction, we took off with our plans without waiting for anybody’s yes.

Finally, we got married. It was emotional when I was leaving home but even a rock can’t stop the stream from flowing. I left the house and started life with Josh.

We are young and not in a hurry to start a family. It’s something we discussed and agreed on. No kids, for now. There’s a business he’s building. There’s a school for me to complete. Those two aside, we want to enjoy each other’s company before we invite those little strangers to come in and mess everything up.

Three months after marriage, my mom started touching my tummy; “You look fat. Is it what I’m expecting?”

I told her I wasn’t pregnant and went ahead to tell her we were not rushing to have kids. She retorted, “Hey, hey, hey, stop right there before I descend on you. If you’re not ready for kids, why the rush to get married? A year by now, I should have my grandchild on my lap or you’ll share your matrimonial bed with me.”

Josh being the only male child in his family made the pressure even worse. The calls came from his dad mostly, “Is she pregnant? You guys should make us twins as the first gift. what are you waiting for?”

His answer was always, “We are waiting for God’s time. It’s the best time to rely on in a situation like this.”

Three years without children look like the two of us are committing a crime against humanity. His parents and elder siblings called a meeting and we were invited. His father was like, “Do you know you’re being selfish? What don’t you have? Do you want me to die before you start bringing forth?”

His mom turned to me, “Ewura, what’s the problem with you?” I pointed at Josh. She screamed, “Use your feminine tactics to get pregnant for him. He can’t do anything or there’s something you’re not telling us?”

When we left the meeting, I told him, “Let’s start something before these folks disown us.” He answered, “We are not living our lives for them. Kids are not something you buy from the shop because someone wants you to. My sisters have a lot of kids already. They should play with them if that’s what they want.”

Currently, my own mom doesn’t pick up my calls. I talk to her through my dad. She said the only call she would answer is the call that will announce my pregnancy. This is a woman who didn’t want me to marry ooo.

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My dad understands me to a certain extent. The fact that I’m using the time to go to school and the fact that my husband is also using the time to build something but once in a while he would say, “If it’s time you don’t have, we are here. We can come in to help.”

Joshua doesn’t go home. He talks to his sisters and all they talk about are what their father has told them. “Dad says you’re selfish.” “Dad says when he dies, you should not be allowed to do anything during the funeral, not even reading of tribute.” They would burst out laughing, cut the call, and continue living life as if nothing happened.

 

It’s not permanent, the decision not to have kids. It’s just a temporal decision. We’ll make them a lot of grandchildren. It’s just a matter of time. The only thing we pray for is strength and patience. But the question on my mind is this, “Our parents won’t love us the way they do if we are not able to give birth? What if it was more medical than just a decision?”

We need a change of mindset somewhere because this can be a lot of emotional torture if we are a couple that can’t conceive.

—Mama Luu

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