I have two boyfriends. Neither of these men knows about each other. They each think they’re my only man. That’s fine with me. It’s not as if I am going to marry both of them so there’s no need for them to meet each other. My first man is Secure. That’s his name. I met him on Facebook four years ago. We had such great chemistry. Things just progressed smoothly between us. When he asked that we take communication off Facebook and start talking to each other directly, I didn’t mind.

Soon enough we started dating and it was amazing. He was almost everything I wanted in a man. Unless I don’t cough, he would come running with a tissue. I only have to discuss my plans with him, he would quickly ask; “What can I do to help?” That’s just how willing he is to help me. That’s why I have never doubted his love for me. When he tells me he cares about me, I don’t question him either.

The only box he didn’t check for me was religion. Whereas I am from a traditional Christian home, Secure does not believe in God, let alone Jesus Christ. Whenever the subject of Christianity and spirituality came up, he made jokes and mocked me for being a believer. He demanded that I spend the time I spent in church with him. This bothered me. That’s why I couldn’t bring myself to fully commit to him. I had one foot in the relationship and the other out there looking for a fellow Christian.

A year into the relationship, I met a man while I was doing my national service at a hospital. This man worked in the same hospital. He was the pharmacist. When he expressed romantic interest in me, I told him upfront that I had a man. “It’s not your boyfriend I want. It’s you I want,” he said. According to him, as long as I wasn’t married, I wasn’t doing anything wrong by being with more than one person.

Unlike Secure, Nestor is a staunch Christian with good Christian values. So I decided to date him in addition to my first boyfriend. I wasn’t sure which of the two men would be of help to me in life so I just kept them both. I didn’t think I could pull it off, you know be in a committed relationship with two men without getting caught but I did it. Two years into our relationship, Secure travelled abroad.

I know that I already mentioned that he doesn’t believe in God. Well, travelling made things worse for him. He started having trust issues especially when it came to me attending church. He felt it was a waste of time. He wanted me all to himself but I am usually busy with church activities. Thus every conversation we had ended in a fight. I also wasn’t prepared to give up my Christian faith. I tried to be patient with him but at some point, I couldn’t continue being in a joyless relationship. So I ended things with him.

Although he refused to give up and was still lurking in the shadows, I gave all my attention to my second man, Nestor. He is twelve years older than me but it never bothered me. I always told myself age is just a number. All that matters is the love we have for each other. He is currently writing ministerial exams to become a pastor. That’s one thing I really like about him.

He is almost perfect but something is missing. This guy doesn’t know how to show affection. He is not the kind of man to send a touching text message. He doesn’t even send regular messages to start with. He is not one to call either. As far as he is concerned, we should only talk once in a while even though we are in a relationship. When I am going through a hard time he leaves me alone. He doesn’t even bother to find out what’s bothering me and what he can do to help.

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I have sat him down and spoken to him about his behaviour several times. Each time I do he apologizes. He tells me, “Give me some time to change,” but so much time has passed yet so little change has been accomplished. What worries me is that his indifference has seeped into other parts of our relationship. Our sex life, for instance, it’s nonexistent.

He doesn’t touch me. He has never tried to kiss me. When I am with him, you would think I am a piece of wood lying next to him. Or maybe I should say he sees me like a Bible. All he knows to do is share the word with me. When I try to initiate something, he doesn’t respond. Honestly, I am sexually frustrated. It’s even affecting me mentally.

It’s not as if his thing doesn’t work. It works, I have seen it fully rise. He just chooses to withhold himself from me. This gives me the impression that he doesn’t find me sexually attractive. I really love him but this is one thing I can’t overlook. I am worried that this behaviour will continue in future and I would be driven to cheat on him.

I have told him my concerns. I have already shared my fears with him. “This is why the relationship is no longer working for me. Let’s save each other the trouble and end things,” I told him. He doesn’t want to let go. He said I should give him time and that things would get better. When I compare him to Secure, I would say Secure is the better man for me. So I want to let this Nestor man go and focus my affections on my first love, Secure. Am I taking the right step? I need advice.

—Michelle

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