Growing up, I kept to myself a lot. It was mostly because I was shy so I barely made friends. When it came to women, it was worse. I couldn’t talk to them without my lips quivering and my palms sweating. So an amorous relationship was not in the books for me at all. I was single throughout my teens and through the most of my university days. 

It wasn’t until a few months to my graduation that I entered my first relationship. It was my first time so I gave it my all. I even allowed myself to be distracted from the one thing you could not tear me away from, my books. 

Instead of studying, I would be busy speaking on the phone with her or we would be together doing what lovers do. It affected my grades. I can even say that the semester was the most poorly I performed. However, it didn’t bother me much because I still graduated with first class.

Among all the women in my life at the time, it was easier to choose her because she was already someone I knew very well. We were in the same hostel and had been friends for two years. Before our relationship, I was green when it came to the bedroom. 

Everything I knew about intimacy was knowledge I had gathered from movies, books, and the internet. She was the one who taught me how to kiss, touch, and do all the other aspects of foreplay. We did everything but go all the way. It was her rule and I obeyed. 

We were together for two years but had to break up because our paths in life led to different directions. 

After the breakup, I concentrated on work till I met the woman I am currently married to. Apart from her beauty and kind heart, I was drawn to her love for God and the things of God. While I was working, she was still in school. I was willing to wait for her so I went ahead and proposed love to her. “I want us to study each other for marriage. I will wait for you to complete school but we can use the time in between for courtship. 

She agreed to give me a chance based on the condition that we would abstain from sex until marriage. I didn’t have a problem with that. All that mattered to me was that she is a good woman and I loved her. Why should I write her off because she chooses to be celibate? I am not going to pretend it was easy. It was a challenge but we sailed through. 

In the three years that we dated, she did not want to have sexual conversations. Even when I asked questions for the purpose of getting to know each other better, she shut the conversations down. “So when we get married, what would you like me to do to you in the bedroom?” I would ask. She would respond, “I am not comfortable having this conversation.” 

No matter how many times I explained to her that it was important for us to ask these questions so we would know if we were sexually compatible, she would refuse to hear it. So we kept anything related to the subject in the closet. Even during our marriage counseling, there was little mention of intimacy.

When we finally got married, we couldn’t do it until a few days after the wedding. We had to use lube to get a successful penetration. It wasn’t as pleasant an experience as I had hoped. But it was understandable, considering it was her first time. I was sure things would get better along the way but it has rather gotten worse. Ever since our first time, I always have to use lube when we have to do it. No matter how softly I touch her, my wife doesn’t get wet. 

I could have a conversation with her from morning till evening, talking about the intimate things I would do to her. She would still be dry when it’s time for the action. We would watch all the romantic and steamy movies on Netflix but she would still not get aroused. I can play with her body for a long time but not even a drop of excitement in her panty.

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Her lack of arousal aside, she has never initiated shuperu since we got married. She keeps saying that if I need it I should just tell her, as though she herself never has need for it. The only positions she is comfortable with are missionary and doggy style. Any other thing is a no-no for her.

I have observed that she only gets into it when I touch the knob between her legs. Nonetheless, when she starts getting excited and I try to penetrate, she immediately gets dry. The only way she can reach her climax is for me to play with her knob till she gets there. And once she gets there she loses interest in the intercourse altogether.

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I’m gradually getting frustrated with this whole thing. Our sexual life is deteriorating and we are only a year into this marriage. We have gone from doing it twice a week which was just the first month of marriage, to doing it twice a month. We are very young too. I’m in my early thirties while she’s in her late twenties.

I know people will say she doesn’t love me or that she’s not sexually attracted to me. It’s not true. I know she loves me very much. She is a good woman and a great wife by all standards except the bedroom department. Do you think she is just not interested in sex? Or she has no libido? What can I do to help our situation?

— Benji

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