I saw it from the beginning of our relationship. My husband and his money never parted ways. Everything was expensive to him. If he had to buy toothpaste, he would measure the price against his dreams and says, “If I buy this today, how long would it take me to make the money back? Will it not affect my finances and destabilizes my future plans?” If the answer to any of these questions is yes, he’ll move on to look for something cheaper. He wouldn’t allow anything to draw him back, not even a toothpaste that would give him a fresh breath in the future. 

He never bought me a gift without whining. He never bought something for himself without assessing the hole the price of the thing will create in his pocket. He’s that guy who will sew his stone together when it breaks apart. I knew how it was going to affect me in the future when we get married but everything has disadvantages and advantages. When I had to make the decision to marry him or not I looked at the positive side and made a decision. I’m always optimistic, the cup-is-half-full kind of person.

I told myself, “A man like my Kingsley will save a lot of money for our future. He’s frugal. It’s frugal people who build a better foundation for their families. He won’t waste our money on unnecessary things. That means our life will be focused on the important things. Yes, I will marry him. When push comes to shove, I’ll use my wifee powers to get my way.”

Our wedding was frugally planned. Nothing on top of the bar. Those who didn’t come early didn’t get food to eat but in the end, we got married. That was our aim. To get married regardless of what others would say about our wedding. The first thing we did as a couple was open a joint account. There were rules; 

#1. If it benefits the family, we do it without complaining.

#2. If it benefits only one party, then the party has to give good reasons why they need the money.

We lived in a marriage where everything had to follow certain rules. What we eat, what we use on our bodies, what we buy for the house, everything has to be subjected to strict reasons before they could be purchased. We didn’t celebrate birthdays. According to him, birthdays are just opportunities to waste money. We didn’t celebrate wedding anniversaries. According to him, anniversaries are also an avenue to throw your hard-earned money away. Our married life was empty of anything fun. You go to work, come home, eat and sleep. It was an endless circle but I didn’t complain because I knew what I was putting myself in before I said, “I do” 

Two years after marriage, my mom fell sick. At first, it was just a normal sickness that any painkiller could solve but as time went on, it got serious until she became bedridden. She celebrated her 59th birthday in bed. I was there with my two siblings. She was in pain but when we sang the happy birthday song for her, she managed to smile. After that, my mom started deteriorating. My two other siblings were doing their best while all I did was visit and pray for her. One day my elder sister called. She said, “Frimpomaa, since mom fell sick, you haven’t contributed any amount for her healthcare. I’ve left my husband and kids home to be here with her. We are both trying our best but if you add something to what we are already giving, mom should be well very soon.”

I’ve never been embarrassed in my life like that day. What embarrassed me the most wasn’t the fact that I wasn’t sending money but the fact that I didn’t know I had to send money. I went to my husband and told him, “My mum had been sick for a while now and you’re aware of it. My sister and brother had been the ones spending money on her healthcare. Now they are broke so it’s my turn to give. I want some money.” I requested GHC1,000 but in the end, he slashed the amount down to GHC500. I didn’t complain. I sent it to my sister.

I’m entitled to only 30% of my salary. The rest goes into the joint account. He also contributes the same amount but his 30% was bigger than mine so he was able to live on it until the end of the month. Utility bills, housekeeping money, maintenance, emergencies, and all other things are funded with our joint account. I didn’t have complaints until mom’s sickness got serious. I didn’t have any money of my own so I had to always ask my husband for it. Twice he denied me funds so I had to lie to my sister. In the end, I was contributing 30% of my salary toward my mom’s healthcare. 

At some point, she had to go through surgery. My sister went for a loan and my brother topped it up but we still couldn’t reach the amount. They were looking at me to do something so I went home and told my husband about it. I said, ‘I’m borrowing the money. I will pay it little by little.” He asked me, “How much?” I answered, “GHC3,000 would be enough.” He screamed, “Eiii, that’s too much. Are they carrying her to India to perform the surgery? Your mom wants to render us poor before she dies?” I asked, “Kingsley, what did you just say?” He repeated, “Am I lying? She’s going to die in the end so why waste all this money on her?”

I wanted to tell him, “You’re the giver of life so you know when everyone is going to die, right?” Instead, I said, “Mom looks stronger. After this surgery, I know she would be better.” It took him five days before he signed GHC1,000 for me. I was angry.  For the first time in our marriage, we had a serious fight that nearly turned physical. I said, “Kingsley, the money there is for me. I saved it. I want it all. Just give me everything. I don’t want to do that joint thing again. What is that? Do you know how my mom suffered for us after my dad died? Why would you cut her oxygen just because you can?” He fought back with words until it turned bitter. He lifted his hand to hit me but later put it down. I said, “You should have hit me. Why did you stop?”

I gave the GHC1,000 to my sister and she sighed. She said, “Is that all you can get?” I answered, “I’ve really tried.” She bowed her head down in desperation. She asked, “How are we going to get the rest?” I never told her about the situation with my husband so somehow they thought I was the one being wicked. I told them, “Give me three days, I will get the rest from the office for you.” I signed for a loan and it came three days later. 

They took my mom to the theater on a Thursday morning and she came back to the ward in the evening. I was there. she couldn’t talk. She was still sleeping when I left. I was there on Friday morning. She had opened her eyes but still hadn’t said anything. I held her hand and asked, “How are you? Are you in pain?” She still didn’t say a word. She looked at me like she didn’t even know who was standing before her. I left them to go to work and return in the evening when I close. I got to the office, put my bag down, and saw my sister calling. I picked up the call and she was crying, “Mom died. A few minutes after you left, she closed her eyes. I thought she was sleeping until a nurse came to check her pulse and told me mom had given up.”

I cried like a baby. I went back to the hospital and came back home in the evening to see my husband watching TV. I told him, “My mom couldn’t make it.” He retorted, “I told you. That’s how they are. They’ll waste your money and still die.” I said, “Wow, is that all you could say? You’re happy to be right? Is that how heartless you are? Her death is on you. If you gave me that amount when you should have given me, she might have survived yet you’re here saying proudly that you told me. Thank you.”

I was crying for the death of my mother and also crying for my marriage because I knew my marriage was as dead as my mother. The children needed to plan the funeral so I packed a few of my things and went to join them. When I was leaving, I had this little hope in me that my husband would call and apologize for hurting me. I don’t know what gave me that confidence but I was sure he would call in the evening or somewhere along the line and say, “I made a mistake. I said what I shouldn’t have said. I’m sorry.” I spent over a week with my brother and sister and this man never called even once. He came during the one-week rite. He interacted with my family, said hello to my brother and sister, got to me, and said, “So you don’t know how to call home when you travel?”

We didn’t have money so we didn’t want to keep mom’s body in the morgue for too long. A month after her death she was buried. When I was leaving the family house I told my sister, “I know mom’s room has to be locked. Is there a way we can keep it open? I want to come and live there for a while.” She asked me, “Why? You don’t want to go back home again?” I answered, “I don’t have a home. I’m leaving my husband.” That was the time I poured out everything I’ve suffered to my sister. She said, “Wow? Your own money?” I answered, “If I had my own money, mom wouldn’t have died. She suffered for me yet I couldn’t suffer a day for her. That  breaks my heart.”

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I went back home, look at him in the face, and said, “I don’t want to be married to you again. One day my kids will die while we have money stuck in the bank. if you can watch my mother die then you can do anything.” He thought I was just making something up because I was in pain until I left t house. Our divorce was finalized last year. I didn’t take anything apart from my share of the savings. I rented a new place and started my life anew. 

This year, I celebrated my 31st birthday with my friends. I spent some money. I had fun. My heart felt free. I buy what I want to buy and when I want to buy them. Imagine the freedom therein.

Recently a guy approached me. He said he loves me. He said he wants to spend the rest of his life with me. He said I’m the only woman he sees in his future. I asked him, “How are we going to manage our finances when we get married? He said, ”You tell me. Whatever makes you happy, I will do it.”

He has a good job. He has a family that welcomed me heartily. He sends gifts. He takes me to places. He says sorry when he doesn’t call me. He looks like the one. I will give him a chance and see where love will carry us to.  

—Frimpomaa

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