If you haven’t read the first part of this story, here’s the link. Kindly read it before starting this one.

I omitted part of the story when sharing my story the first time. I thought adding those details would make it too obvious for him to know. But now I don’t care. If he sees it or not, it doesn’t bother me. I’m over the fear because I’m in a better place. I’m at a point in my life where my sanity should prevail over all things. Having a set of twins in itself is stressful. They cry together. They fall sick together. They want to be lifted together. That stress alone is enough to drive any sane woman crazy. They are kids. They don’t know a lot. They don’t know their attitude gives you stress. That’s ok. How about a man who you think should know better? A man who calls himself a husband and yet does nothing to deserve the title he had given to himself.

When we were about to marry and we were discussing finances and how much our take-home was. He lied about his take home. He inflated the amount. It was after marriage when I was going through his things that I saw his current payslip. It was way less than he made it look. I asked him, “Is that how much you earn? I thought you said…” Before I could land, he retorted, “That’s not all. I owe some amount to the company. I took a loan from them so they are deducting from my salary.” That too was a lie because I went through the slip and didn’t see any loan or deduction. His net came right after taxes and PF. He had no loan to his name. I didn’t want to drag it. I accepted his explanation. 

When he started behaving that way, I felt it was a way for him to leverage on his meager salary. It didn’t bother me that his salary was that small. Men are fighters. They are born providers so they would go out of their way to provide. I felt he could have a new job that would change his situation or do another side trade that will make him more money. He didn’t do any of that. He rather resorted to selling things. All the while he was doing “Bring a receipt from the market,” I felt he was hiding behind his lack to treat me that way. It was the reason I didn’t complain a lot. I was hoping he would find a new job and get money. 

One day he asked me, “Let’s start contributing to the joint account again. It was a great endeavor killed by pride. Someday when we are in need, we can fall on it.” I said, “If I would want to do that again, then you’ll have to come clear on how much you earn so both of us can make the contribution fair and equitable.” He said, “What’s fair and equitable in this situation? It’s a contribution. I pay GHc100. You pay GHc100.” I responded, “Don’t worry. I’ll pay the GHc100 into my personal account so you too pay into yours.”

He said I’ve questioned his authority and behaved like I was the one who married him instead of the other way round. He used that as an opportunity to stop giving me housekeeping money. Anytime I asked him he said, “You came to marry me. You’re the man so provide.” I will keep quiet and buy what my money can afford. One day he left money on the table. When I returned from the market he asked for his change. I didn’t have any change to give him. Come and see insult this guy dished out to me. I cried. I walked into the room and gave his full money back to him. I thought he wouldn’t take it. He collected it. From there I told him, “I won’t go to the market again. When you want things to be bought, go and get them yourself. When you come back, I will make the dishes for you.”

That was when he stopped paying housekeeping money. I didn’t complain. I’ve had too much stress from him to the extent that anything he did no longer stressed me.

Christmas was coming so we started making plans. Each year, we put resources together, bought foodstuffs, and send them to our parents. I would go with him to his parents to deliver the foodstuff and spend a day or two with them. From there, we would also go to my parents, presents the foodstuff, and spend a day with them before we come home for Christmas. Early December, I started drawing his attention to it. He kept postponing until 20th December when he told me, “I don’t have anything to give this year. Buy whatever you want for your parents and I will also do the same for my parents.” I didn’t argue. I asked, “How about the kids? How about us. How are we going to celebrate Xmas? He said, “We are alive. That’s all we need to celebrate Christmas. 

He didn’t give a penny for Christmas. I had to buy everything with my money while he came home every day to eat and sleep. He even had the audacity to invite friends over for a party in the house. On the 31st of December when I went to church I prayed a prayer asking God for strength to move on. I felt the despair down my throat. I looked at the faces of my twins and got angry with myself for letting them have a father like him. But I told them, “Don’t worry. Mom would make everything right. You’ll be fine, with or without him.” 

All along, one of the comments from the first story kept ringing in my ears. I wanted to do it right after I shared my story but anytime I thought of it, I told myself, “Just be a little patience and see what happens.” The comment was from a lady who said she had been in my situation before. She said one day she gathered the courage and packed all of her things little by little to her parents’ house without her husband knowing. By the time the husband realized, she had moved with her kid. They separated for years before the divorce. I wanted to do it too but I didn’t want to move to my parents’ house. I needed a new place. A single room that I could rent in the meantime. All I needed was enough money to pay the rent. 

In January, I spoke to my father about it. I assured him, “Dad I’m not divorcing him. I want to be where he is not. I want a space to clear my mind. I need separation for a while. When he later comes back for me, I will put the terms and conditions down. We would redraw our life’s chart. If he accepts it, we’ll begin again.” My dad applauded me and even gave me some money to add to the money I had for rent. My mother also gave me her full support which I really needed. In January, I got the place. Little by little I packed out. He saw the room getting empty but he didn’t question it until he came home one day and didn’t see the fridge and the TV.

I told him, “I’m moving to a new place so I’ve taken what is mine. Clearly, you don’t take this marriage seriously. Maybe you don’t want it again but can’t say it. I’m going for a while. If you think you want it more than I’ve ever given you credit for, then prove it.” I thought he would stop me. He didn’t. I thought he was going to fight me and challenge my assertions but he did none of that. I said in my head, ”Wow. So I’m right. This man doesn’t need us.” 

That didn’t change anything. We left. 

The very moment we left the house, he picked up the phone and called my dad that I’d called for a divorce. My dad told him he knows everything and it’s not a divorce that I’m calling for. He even used the opportunity to advise him to be the man and go after his family. “Go for her. Take her home and speak sense into her but above all, take your position as the man and provide for your family.” When he called me he accused me of telling my family that he doesn’t take care of me. I asked him, “Dear, we’ve been married for six years. Tell me. what was the last time you bought a dress or a dross for me? When was the last time you provided housekeeping money? What happened to our joint account? If something happens to any of us today, do we have the financial muscle to fight it?” 

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It was an invitation for a discussion but he saw it as accusations that shouldn’t come from a wife. He called off my bluff and cut the line. Two days later, his parents called me. His father said, “My son tells me that you’ve moved out of the house. You’re divorcing him. Is that the case?” I told his father, “Dad, you’re aware of our issues. I came running to you, begging you to speak to him on my behalf but each time I complained to you, it got worse. I can’t keep up. I’m tired. I want to see a change in him but he’s not. He gets worse every day.” He responded, “Please don’t leave the marriage. I will talk to him and he’ll change.”

I left in January. I’ve been living alone here with my kids and the kind of joy and liberty we’ve been experiencing here is so huge that nothing can make me replace that with anything. He doesn’t call to even ask how his kids are doing. He goes around telling people that I’ve divorced him. It doesn’t matter anymore. I’m only waiting for the face of June and call for a divorce. Life had been better without him. I’ve tasted a glimpse of how life would be without him and I think it’s the best thing that could happen to me. I’m not going back again. If he comes today with the face of an angel and a voice of God, I won’t look at him again. He had proven beyond doubt that a man like him cannot be relied upon.

I don’t care again and it’s the reason I’ve given a lot of details than I did the first time. If he reads it, he’ll know I’m the one who shared this story. Maybe he’ll call and ask if indeed I shared the story and I will say, “Yes I did. Just to take issues off my heart and move on finally with my life.” He’ll know the marriage is over because it is. No one goes to freedom and willingly walks back to slavery. It doesn’t happen. And marriage was not designed to make our lives miserable. I was miserable. Now I have my peace and sunshine back.

–Sara

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