My life hasn’t been the same since I lost the pregnancy. Despite the fact that Amon refused to accept responsibility, I wanted to keep it. I am one of those people who believe children are blessings no matter how they happen. It’s just unfortunate that the heartache I felt from our break up and all the drama he caused when I told him I was pregnant stressed me to the point of miscarriage.
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I was shredded into pieces by every clot of blood that left my body. I am very sure I cried an endless river. Sometimes when I think about it, it still breaks me.
The most haunting part is that I have not been able to able to move on after that breakup. It’s not as if I haven’t tried.
I know no amount of tears will bring back what I lost so at some point I consoled myself. Whenever I felt a wave of sadness trying to overcome me I would say, “It’s life. Things happen and we have to live with it.”
I was certain that if I was intentional about my healing, it would happen. The dark nights will pass and soon I would be bursting with new life. “Maybe I will meet a kind man who will make me believe in love again,” I would comfort myself.
Well, that’s my problem right now. That whole ugly business with my ex ended in 2022. I haven’t met another man since that time.
No, I am not going through life looking for Amon in the men I meet. In fact, I have gotten to a point where my heart is ready to love again. I want to meet someone new, settle down, and start a family. I’m looking for that beauty God promised to give us for our ashes.
Sadly, the men I meet don’t want any of that. They want me to visit them in their homes when they barely know me. When I refuse they get angry.
“Why are acting like a child? It’s not as if when you come you won’t have a good time,” some have said.
Others have shamelessly asked me, “What will I do to you that you haven’t done with another man before?”
I am not kidding when I say these are the only kinds of men who come my way. Sadly, even these rotten ones only approach me once in a while.
It hurts, the way my love life has become a catacomb of lost dreams.
I am turning twenty-seven next month but I don’t have anyone to call my own. I feel so alone in this world.
All I do is work, go to school, and come home to take care of my sick father.
There are times I ask myself, “What if this is my fate? Maybe I am meant to do life alone.”
I worry that I may never find a man who truly loves me enough to marry me. Or that I may not be able to have kids.
Has anyone here ever felt the way I feel? I try to be hopeful and positive but is it normal for a woman not to receive any serious proposals for three whole years?
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Sometimes I feel I am tainted by what happened. And it’s why serious men don’t notice me. Before someone tells me to check my appearance, I am not ugly.
Sure, I’m no beauty queen. I’m not rich enough to dress fancy and sophisticated either. But I make sure I always look good and presentable. So what could be the problem? I am really struggling to make sense of how stagnant my life feels right now.
—Dela
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Sit down and be patient. Keep believing and praying. Don’t rush things.
Put yourself out. Go to church, join the youth group, join all the mixed groups. Volunteer when needed. Join a gym in your neighborhood. You need to meet people. Nobody is coming to your father’s house to ask for you; you have to go out first.
You have to mingle with people. Church, any group in your area can also help.