My father started sleeping with me when I was in JHS. I was his favourite child. She paid my fees on time, bought me things he didn’t buy for my other siblings and always made sure I was alright. One night, I was sleeping when I felt a moving darkness had descended on me. I instinctively opened my eyes only to see my dad standing at my feet, casting a large shadow on me. I was sleeping next to my elder sister. My dad asked me to get up and follow him.

I trusted him. A man who loved me that much wouldn’t have bad intentions so I got up and followed him to his room. Mom had travelled to the North. She travelled once every month to the north to buy maize, beans and other things to come and sell. Dad was alone that night so he took me to his room and asked me to sit down.

“You know I love you so much, right?” I nodded sleepily. He said, “Open your eyes well and look at me. I’m going to do something with you. I’ll teach you something you’ll use in future to get a husband. You’re my favorite child and you ought to know this before you grow up to have a boyfriend and later marry him.”

He stripped himself naked and pushed me to the bed. I got it. I knew what was about to happen so I started defending myself. I rolled myself into a ball and buried my knees in my embrace. He said, “Hey, I want this to be as gentle as possible. If you fight me, you’ll end up hurting yourself.”

I fought him. That didn’t stop him. I didn’t shout. He’s my father. I didn’t want to embarrass him or bring our family to its knees because of my father’s shameful act. He took my virginity away that night and asked me to swear an oath never to tell anyone. He gave me water and asked me to pour it as make the oath. I did what he wanted before he allowed me to leave.

I was in pain. I bled abnormally. He took me to the hospital and answered every question the doctor asked on my behalf. I was giving the doctor signs. If he watched my body language carefully, he might have gotten a clue but he didn’t.

It didn’t end there, every once in a while, when my menses was over and mom had travelled, Dad would walk in at dawn and steal a piece of my innocence. When I completed JHS, I was tired. The whole thing was a huge burden on me. I couldn’t sleep well, I couldn’t eat well and couldn’t learn. Sometimes I would vomit for no reason at all. I decided to tell my mom about it.

My mom looked at my face and asked, “What have you been eating lately? What dreams have you been having? Have you checked your brain? Are they functioning very well?” She pulled the skin under my eyes down and checked under my eyes. She said, “It looks like you have high fever. What are you talking about? Who have you mentioned this to? If you don’t shut up, you won’t wake up the next morning.”

When my dad came back from town, my mom told him what I’d told her. “Your daughter says you’ve been having sex with her. Come and answer for your sins before she crucifies you.”

She was joking but my dad’s face changed. He looked at me sternly and asked what evil had descended on me. Mom agreed it was the devil in me talking so she suggested I should be taken to a pastor. She concluded, “I don’t blame her, I blame you. When you pamper one child out of the lot, that’s what they do to you. They dream of you having sex with them because you love them.”

Right in front of them, my stomach turned and I threw up. My mom muttered, “I knew it. You’re not well.”

Dad threatened not to take care of me. He stopped showering me with gifts which I was happy about. He stopped, for a while, sleeping with me.

The night before I left for SHS, he came at dawn. I hadn’t seen him in months. He said, “If you fight me, your SHS life will come to an end tomorrow. You won’t go to school again.” I was too tired to fight. I got up and followed him. We did it in the kitchen because I wouldn’t go to their bedroom. The next morning, I left for school. He came to visit often, bringing food and a lot of goodies. I didn’t want to see him. He reminded me of everything I was trying to forget.

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Whenever I came home for vacation or midterm, it continued. Using my school and fees as a threat against me. One night when I came back to bed, I cried out loud. So loud it woke my elder sister up. She asked what was wrong and I told her. “Something happens in your dream and you wake up crying? What is wrong with you?”

I didn’t continue. She was conditioned not to believe me. I turned my face to the wall and cried myself to sleep. The next day, she told my mom about it. Mom also told my dad about it. They all agreed my demons were too loud at times.

After SHS, I ran out of the house. I went to live with my aunt in the same town. She thought it was just a visit until I told her I was going to stay until my results come. She was a single mom and loved to keep me in her house but my dad didn’t agree. He was on her every day, asking her to tell me to come home. She got fed up and asked me to go. When I left her home, I found myself in Accra, living with a friend I went on my midterms with while I was in school. I didn’t mind ending up on the street of Accra. Every place was better than home.

All along, I was carrying a pregnancy but I didn’t know until I started feeling feverish and weak. No drug worked. We didn’t have the money to go to the hospital until my friend’s father came home one day to see my condition. He forcibly took me to the hospital and I was told I was pregnant. The man asked me to go back home to my parents. I cried. I knelt and begged him not to send me away. “They’ll kill me if I go home. My dad will abort the baby. I want to keep it.”

That was what saved me. The fact that my dad would abort the baby. The man said, “Then you’ll go home when it’s grown to the extent that they can’t abort.” I was looking for another place to run to before this man sends me home. The next place I found was a school. Crèche. The proprietor was looking for someone who would stay in and help grow the school. She took me in and gave me a place to sleep. The pay was OK. I worked like a horse so she wouldn’t sack me.

Keeping the pregnancy was an act of revenge for me. It was the reason I didn’t want my family to know about it. I knew I was carrying the baby of my father and I was ready to give birth for him so everyone would know I wasn’t hallucinating when I said my dad was sleeping with me.

I gave birth to a boy. The proprietor of the school was forcing me to go home. I felt she was even going to sack me if I didn’t go so I told her my story. She said, “I know you don’t want to go home but you don’t have to tell me a lie just to keep staying here.” I broke down and cried. I was shaking. I screamed, “Who’ll ever believe me? Am I mad? What should I say or how do I tell my story for someone to believe me?”

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My reaction got her scared. She said, “Tell me more.”

So I started from where it all started to how I ran from home. She looked at me the way my mom looked at me when I told her my story the first time. I was waiting for her to tell me exactly what my mom said when I told her my story. That I’m not well. That I should check my brain and see if it’s working. I was expecting her to come close and pull the skin under my eyes down and check if my undereyes were pink enough. She went quiet. Her next question was, “Are you alright?”

I sighed heavily and said to myself, “There we go again. She doesn’t believe me. I have to leave this place.”

To Be continued…

—Mavis

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