I had a good job and a stable financial foundation before we got married. She’s a civil worker who wanted to do some work on the side. She likes selling so I gave her money to start any business of her choice. I won’t say the money I gave her was everything but it was something. She went into buying and selling and was good at it. I saw her grow from selling basic stuff to buying and selling expensive clothes and shoes and other things. Happy is the husband whose wife is happy.

I didn’t make demands from her. I didn’t ask her what she did with her money. I was the one paying for everything in the house. I paid for food, I paid the utilities, I gave her some allowance when I received bonuses at work.

A year after marriage we welcomed our first child. Two years after the first child, we welcomed the second one. Right after the second child, we welcomed a tragedy into our home. I had an accident. I spent three months on admission. After I was discharged, I had to go through physiotherapy because my body atrophied while I stayed in bed for three months.

Just when I was going through therapy to regain full fitness, the company I was working for used some technicalities to lay me off. It was hard to believe something like that could be done to me after seven years of working for this same company. I was healing from physical pain while going through emotional pain. It was hard for me to think about the future without a job but with a family to take care of.

I spent close to five months to be able to stand on my feet again. I lost weight. I lost my drive. I lost what it took to be a man. My wife was there, providing for our needs and taking care of the family all by herself. I was scared anytime she complained of lack of money. When she had to pay fees and she complained about how expensive the fees had become, I shivered. She complained but did what she had to do to keep the house running.

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I was home for two good years, helping her sell her things and at some point delivering to people who bought from her. I couldn’t provide from my pocket so I had to support with my strength. I wanted to be useful too so she didn’t have to resent me. One day, I attended an interview and after several weeks of going up and down with the company, I was called to take up the role.

I sang praises. I danced to the drum beat playing in my head. The happiness didn’t come from the fact that I was employed again. I was happy to return to my position as a man of the house because let’s face the fact, a husband who doesn’t provide loses himself and his esteem in his own household. Your wife could be everything and provide for all things but you lose a little bit of yourself each time you go to her and say, “My hair. I want to visit the barbering shop. Can you give me something small to go to the barbering shop?”

You sound like a beggar because men weren’t built to ask. We were raised to provide so asking from your wife makes you feel you’ve lost your essence as a man. Every man knows this. That’s why we don’t rest. It’s a burden society placed on so we have to prove that we are equal to the task. We have to wake up every morning with the sun and come back at sunset with food on the table. We do it without fail because it’s our mandate. A call to duty. What makes you a man.

This is what the new job did for me. It brought me confidence and made me feel alive again.

My wife went through my appointment letter as if she was going to write exams on it. She studied every detail and memorized every zero and took notice of where the commas are placed after the zeros. When my first salary came, she asked, “So what are you going to do with all that money? You know when you were not working I was the one carrying all the burden. Don’t you think your salary should replenish the account that took care of you when you were not earning?”

We deliberated extensively about what she meant and what she didn’t mean. We later agreed on a joint account. She wanted all of our salary to go through the joint account. I didn’t have any problem opening a joint account with her but I said no to the terms.

She said, “That’s how you men are. When you get a place in life, you forget the hand that fed you. When you were bringing nothing, where did you think what you were enjoying came from?”

She took her hands off every responsibility. She stopped contributing to the house. She told me, “I’ve been doing it all by myself. I’m tired so continue from there so you know how it feels like.” It’s funny. She forgets that I was doing it all by myself before the disaster struck. I’m not complaining but the way she wants to determine how I use my money is what gets on my nerves.

I spoke to my mom on the phone and she extended her greetings so I told her. My wife asked, “Why is she calling you? She’s asking for money, me boa? They know how to call when things start to look good.”

My mom was calling me every day during my hard times. Some days I didn’t pick up her calls because it was becoming too much. My mom never abandoned me so I was surprised with her comment. I confronted her. I warned her not to talk about my mom that way. She replied, “You’re warning me? Where were they when I was the only one carrying the burden? I don’t blame them. Today your hand can reach your back so you’re warning me.”

Every move I make is looked at through the filter of my jobless past—the days when I had nothing and was nothing. Someone else should do this to me and not my wife. So we fight over little things. We go for days without talking to each other. I go to the kitchen and there’s no food for me because we are fighting.

The last fight before this story was about a loan I gave to one of our co-tenants. He knocked on our door and gave back the money in a white envelope. My wife saw it and asked about it. When I told her about the loan, she went berserk, “Oh you’re now IMF? You give loans to stabilize failing economies? Eiii, is that how money changes people? You that you couldn’t feed?”

I don’t know why she’s not happy for me. She wants to determine how I use my money, who I give money to and who I decide to help. She wants to be the one to have the final say and this makes me feel like she was happy when I had nothing. Maybe she’s even praying I lose my job and go back to depending on her so she can remind me of all my sins when I had something.

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Is this not witchcraft? How is this normal? To have a wife who doesn’t support you but stands aside and judges your every move. Honestly, I’m tired but not tired of the marriage. I want this to work. She has her demons but she’s very helpful. Many wives would have left in hard times but she stayed. I just don’t like who she is now. How do I make her change after every sit-down conversation has failed to yield results?

—Nana A.B

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