We had a new baby not too long ago. We’ve been happy, it’s our first child, new parents for that matter. When my wife was pregnant, I was with her through it all. Obviously, I couldn’t help carry the baby during the nine months but everything else she did, I helped. I went to antenatal with her, I helped with house chores, including cooking. When she was around seven months, she stopped cooking so I was the only one doing it, plus all other house chores. I didn’t see it as abnormal. I didn’t complain about it. It’s our home and the two of us had to keep it.
The pregnancy itself wasn’t easy to carry but we didn’t have any event that scared us. On the day of delivery, my wife went through it successfully and was discharged. She spent the first month in her mother’s house, learning the basics of childcare. I visited every day so I can help or learn something for myself. When she came home from her mother’s place, I took my annual leave so I can be home with her, helping and bonding with our new baby. I had only fifteen leave days but I used it to learn and helped around.
I was doing everything to make my wife’s life easy for her because she deserved a break after going through nine months of pregnancy. There was nothing she told me that I didn’t do. There was no errand I didn’t run for her. I learned how to bathe the baby so I could do it while she rests. When she cried at night, it was my responsibility to carry her around until she stops crying, Unless of course, she needed to be breastfed, then my wife would do it.
My leave days are over and I have resumed work. Immediately after work, I rush home to be on the side of my wife and baby. The thing is, my work is very stressful. During working hours I could stand on my feet all day, attending to customer needs and also working on cases that need to be resolved. I come home knackered yet I still help around. The issue now is, my wife has left almost all the work to me. The most annoying thing sometimes is, she’ll internationally leave certain work for me to do when I close from work.
I came home one evening and didn’t get food to eat. She told me, “She had been in my arms all day so I didn’t have time to cook.” I didn’t complain. I fixed something for myself. Then the work began. There were baby clothes to wash, and baby errands to do. I did them and went to sleep. I was so tired I needed that early sleep. I was in bed around 10pm When my wife came to dump the baby on me; “She’s crying. I’ve finished feeding her but she’s still crying. She misses you.” I had to wake up and carry the baby around while my wife sleeps. Sometimes I believe the baby needs breastmilk but my wife will protest and I’ll carry the baby around, trying to calm her down. Several minutes later, she’ll tell me, “Let me see if it’s hunger.” She’ll feed her and she’ll be quiet and sleep.
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We are both learning but it looks like she’s giving me the lion’s share of the work anytime I’m home. Immediately after I get home from work, she doesn’t do anything again. I have to carry the rest of the work as if I had just returned from a vacation. I started getting the effects of those sleepless nights. I wake up tired and get to work on an empty tank. I had to say something and I did. “You haven’t resumed working. I’m the one who wakes up early at dawn and goes to work. Why don’t you take care of the baby at night so I can have some rest? After all, you’ll be home all day and can rest when the baby sleeps.”
She argued, “Are you complaining here? You do so little around here when it comes to the baby so I don’t expect you to be complaining. I carried her for nine months while you sleep. I breastfeed all day while you’re at work. I don’t complain so why are you complaining? Am I the only parent? Did I make her all alone? You should be grateful and thankful to me for doing all that.”
I didn’t tell her to do everything all alone. All I said was at night when the baby cries she should handle her so I can rest. I don’t think I was asking for too much but she made it sound like I was asking for her head on the plate. She does the barest minimum once I’m around yet complains when I asked her to do more since she’s home. On weekends, she’ll use the baby as an excuse not to do anything. Even when she’s sleeping, she’ll carry her while I do the cleaning and cooking. Once I’m done she’ll tell me, “Come for her so I can rest. I’ve been carrying her all day.”
I’m ashamed narrating all this here because it feels like I’m complaining about chores I shouldn’t complain about. My wife has carried a baby alone for a whole nine months so I should be OK to suffer the chores while she rests. Yes, I’m OK but I’m complaining because I feel I’m doing more than I should.
The solution is to get someone to help. Currently, that help will arrive only when my wife resumes working. My mom will come around and help while we are away and go home when we are back. I feel even that won’t change anything. She’ll still push a lot on me because she’s the one who carried the baby for nine months.
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I need to do something to restore the balance. I’ve tried talking to her but each time we have such a conversation, she sees it as me complaining so she’ll use her nine months of pregnancy to blackmail me. When I push, it turns into an argument and I don’t see why adults like us should fight about chores. Currently, the only option is for me to bully my way through but I can’t stay unconcerned while my child cries, she can do that just to push me to act but I can’t. At dawn when she cries, my wife can pretend she hasn’t heard. When I tap her to wake up, she’ll tell me, “Ain’t you her parent too? Or I’m the only one who brought her to this world.”
What should I do to get her to act? The solution is to get a helping hand but we can’t have it now until my mom comes and even that, she’s only going to do a day’s work while we continue when we come back from work. It won’t change anything. I need a master plan before I break down.
–Pee
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Azeey,its alright.Come down ok.I underatand if your mom comes over,it will still be a days work.So she will still continue worrying u at night.Talk to someone close to her,im sure she will comprehend.Its well.
I agree with Araba!
You can discuss that with her mum and see the way forward. Though she might not be happy with that, I’m certain her mum will try to let her understand certain things and peace will reign from there.
Dear Mr Pee, I think you made a mistake from the beginning allowing your wife know you can do that much. I’m a woman that will always advice my man not to make me get too comfortable with regards to chores because I feel I may relax when I start enjoying it. Its not a bad thing as a man helping with chores at home but there should be a limit. Even when you are doing it, get her involved at anytime. You should both do it together at all times unless when she’s unwell due to her condition or unavailable. Some women are like that, if you let them know too much they use that as weapon against you just like she relaxing after you made her feel so comfortable not doing any housechores simply because she was pregnant not even thinking of the fact that you had her interest and well being at heart that was why you took up that task even when it was so tiring. She should understand that because you know it wasnt possible for you to carry the baby with her, is the reason you did every other thing around the house all alone so she can also be comfortable carrying the baby. So sad she got a man like you and not appreciating your efforts. My dear, talk to someone she has so much respect for, to talk to her maybe she’ll change. Good luck.
So sad she has a man like you and she is abusing that.
You can gladly choose to stop every help you are giving her and there is nothing she can do.
People have 3,4 and 5 children and yet so house chores and takes care of the children.
You got to man up and put the situation under control since its troubling you that much.
Hmmm….than another pregnancy and a child,I wonder what will happen.
Talk about the situation and mean it, some of my fellow women…hmmmm the least said the better.
So carrying a baby for 9 months is now a reason why we won’t do any other thing.
I get sooo hurt when good men like this are taken for granted.
Dear hubby. All these traits could be postpartum depression too. I’m surprised no one has mentioned it. Everything is talk to someone. Less education is done on postpartum depression. It changes the mother n she needs more care n therapy to handle it. She also needs more love n her mum at this point. All the best.