When I proposed to her the first time, she said no without giving me a reason. In a man’s world, no, when it comes up the first time means “try harder” so I kept pushing until she told me she was healing from a fresh heartbreak so she was incapable of loving anyone.
“I can wait,” I told her. “How long does it take to heal? A week? A month? Even a year? I have nowhere to go. I can wait.”
She told me not to wait because she might never come back from it whole again. I didn’t listen. I hung around, thinking I could offer water to quench her burning heart or a tissue to wipe off her tears. I called her three times a day. When she needed help and I could, I was there for her. Three months later, she sent me a message. She sent it at dawn;
“Bernard, I’m sorry to disappoint you. You’re a good man and don’t deserve this after what you’ve been through with me but the truth is, we’ve made amends. He has apologized. I think I can give him a try one last time.”
I read the message over and over again. I knew I had lost but I was looking for a word that promised hope—hope that she might regret her choice and run back to me. I didn’t find any so I gave her a two-word response; “I can understand.”
From there, I tried to withdraw but she didn’t let me. She said I was too good to lose so I should at least hang around and be a friend. I didn’t want to so slowly we fell apart only to reconnect a year later. This time, her boyfriend had left her for good and she had accepted the outcome. She laughed about it and called it foolish. “The silly things love makes us do but I’m grown now. I know better.”
We started dating in the early month of May. All was going fine until six months later, she came to tell me that her ex had travelled abroad. It was innocuous information but something rubbed me off the wrong way. “You mean you’re still in contact with him? After everything?” I was angry. Mild kind of anger. She said it was a mutual friend who told her about it. “I don’t talk to him. He’s history but this just came out and I thought you should know. I’m sorry.”
We dated for two years. She was good to me. She stuck with me through thick and thin. We planned marriage. We planned the number of kids, their names, where we would live. We dreamt of good things and prayed for a good harvest for our relationship. Two years was enough to convince me she was the one so we got married. A few months after marriage, we travelled out of town to settle in the city to start afresh.
She had a good job not too long afterwards so we settled into marriage life with calm and hope for good things.
Her phone beeped. I checked the message because it was next to me. She had received an amount from a foreign transfer. I didn’t read beyond the amount. I screamed for her; “Bee, there’s money ooo. Come and give me my share.”
She came for the phone, read the message and smiled a little. She said, “Ah, you made me believe I’d won the lottery or something. This isn’t mine. It’s a foreign transfer from a client I’m dealing with. Office money can’t be good money.”
She got away with that one because I didn’t think deeply about it. One day, I was working on her phone when a message dropped. It was money. The accompanied message read like the first one I saw so I ignored it. Then something pricked my curiosity to check what the money was really about.
I went through the thread of messages and realized that sort of money came on her phone very often. It didn’t have a name to show who it was coming from. While going through the thread, another message dropped on WhatsApp. It read, “I’ve sent something. I hope it helps.”
I went to that message. The name was a female name but the messages didn’t read like it was coming from a female. At one point, she wrote the real name in the message, “Josh…”
That’s the name of her ex. From the messages, my wife had been telling him that we were suffering and sometimes found it hard to make ends meet. She said I’d lost my job and not trying to find another. “He’s always home, being a burden on me. All he thinks about is sex and children. Who’ll conceive for a jobless man.”
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Around the corner, she asked her ex to send something or else she would starve. The begging kept running through the messages. Always using different antics, different lies to get the money. One time she said she was on admission at the hospital but I, as her husband, was helpless. I couldn’t buy drugs and she had used all the money in her account so the guy should send something.
All the lies were hurting until I got to where it hurt the most. Josh had been in Ghana in December and they had met. The exchanges about their meeting were sketchy but weren’t explicit. It read like something went on that they were refusing to discuss in detail. They were hiding something in plain sight.
When I asked her to tell the truth, she accepted the fact that she was receiving money from the guy. Those wired monies I saw indeed came from Josh. The reason for the lies, she said, “Josh is rich now and I felt I had to benefit from him because I suffered with him for four good years. The only way to get the money is to lie my way around.”
“To the extent of embarrassing your husband and making your marriage look like filth?”
“I’m sorry about that. I didn’t think through it that way.”
“What happened between you two when he came back?”
She swore she never saw him until I pointed out the pieces in the messages that said he was in Ghana. She denied it and swore upon the heavens that Josh wasn’t in Ghana. If I hadn’t read the messages myself, I would have believed her. It took three days for her to accept that Josh was indeed in Ghana. It took a week for her to accept that indeed they met but nothing happened. They met in town, talked for a while and parted. I said, “So I should ask him about it?”
She was loud with her answer, “Oh you can call him and ask him. He’ll confirm everything that I told you. It hurts that you don’t believe me but here’s his number just call.”
I said, “No, I’m not going to call him. I’m going to chat with him on your phone like you were the one talking to him. Give me your phone.”
She didn’t. She said that wasn’t fair. We fought over the phone but she was stronger. I didn’t want to break the phone so I left it. That was my mistake. I thought I would get the phone again and secretly chat with Josh as her. She changed all the passwords on her phone and told me, “It’s my private property. If you don’t believe me after all the explanations, it’s OK. God is my witness.”
Our beautiful problem-free marriage hasn’t been the same again. It’s like there’s a wall between us or this thick darkness in our midst. We are fighting every day and at the brink of breaking apart. The only thing keeping us together is who she was to me before the incident. We were not fighting. We were a normal couple trying to build a family piece by piece. She was a good woman before this, that’s all I have to keep this marriage going but it’s killing me.
I Didn’t Tell Anybody Because I Enjoyed It
So much so that I brought her parents into the issue. After several deliberation, she still maintained her stand that I was the one crying wolf when indeed there were only sheep in the grazing field. How do we bounce back from here? How do I let go when I feel there’s an elephant in my marriage? How do you forgive when there’s no apology?
—Bernard
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Too bad she had to lie just to get money. To the extent of telling why she has not conceived for you. You will have to tell us whether she is pregnant or not. This marriage has K-leg, because your wife is still much connected to her ex and not good at all. She might brought another man’s pregnancy for you one day. The remedy is in the hands of your wife, either she’s leaving the ex for good or you’ll leave the marriage for her.
Why are some women foolish? They think by speaking ill of their partners to their exes we make then look smart but they don’t know that they are disrespecting and distracting themselves first before their husbands. This goes to show how stupid and shallow minded they are. At the end of the day the former partner will use and dump them. Because on a more serious note your husband whom you are supposed to protect when he is naked you don’t but rather leave him in the open to be watched by others. Despite not being all these they want to create a picture of a good for nothing. Obaa gyimifo) b3n nono. I can tell there are a lot of such women. My brother the question is she still the good woman you married? Don’t look at the past woman she was .Look at the present. Since she is not willing to apologise just let it go. For all you may know she is telling the truth but the way in which she went about it wasn’t right. Sit down and communicate with her calmly. Don’t use violence and force. Talk to her the way a father would his child I.e calmly by telling her what you did was not good. You doing it will prevent a fight from happening. A husband is not only name sake but also a second father to his wife. Always remember violence begots violence. Peace begots peace so choose and act wisely.
Your wife can never be trusted… She isn’t remorseful either… What hurt more is the audersity to even change her password… Who does that! Such deceit
I can tell that you still love your wife very much. That you are ready to forgive any and everything she has done provided she admits to it and apologizes. She has however called your bluff. You have 2 options. First, eat humble pie and endure her disrespect or two, let her go. I think you have bent backwards to breaking point and your marriage will never be the same if she sticks to her guns. Let her go and save your sanity.
Hmmmm u might think u alone. I was told it is an uncle. Even on our wedding nite she was in touch with him. And I believed her. After about five years after marriage things we not adding up. I confronted the dad and he told me he does not know the man as a relative but as a friend to her. He said I do not know him but all I know is they are friends.
I did. It have enough evidence until about three years ago. .
Some few example. My wife calls to ask him for money.
Tell me boldly that what the man has done for her I can’t do. Very interesting.
The man buys her fones. As if I have never bought her a fone in her life.
Until last year my wife goes to spend time with him on his birthdays almost every year apart from corona lock down. But u see when u keep watching someone without talking eg become bold and start doing it in your face.
That is when I gave her more evidence and when I started she told me I am going crazy but when I started giving dates and pictures all she had to do was beg.
My brother shine your eyes. Do not be in a haste to call things off pretend you have not seen anything and start planning ur life well. Then shock her when she least expects.