Meeting good men in Nigeria is close to impossible. I remember when I was a little girl, all I wanted was to be swept away by my own prince charming. It didn’t happen until I turned twenty-three. I met this guy, Isaac. He was three years older than me.

Isaac was my first love, and I very much intended to make him my first sexual partner. However, we had our fair share of problems that usually got in the way. For instance, in the early stages of the relationship we broke up twice and got back together twice. Both breakups lasted for two weeks. How could we have done anything when we were fighting?

Even when we weren’t fighting, the story was still the same. I remember one night when I went to visit him. The sexual tension was so thick you could cut through it with a knife. Surprisingly, Isaac didn’t touch me. Honestly, I was worried. I felt he didn’t find me attractive. I even asked him, “Why didn’t you do it with me when you got the chance?” Yes, I loved him so much that I didn’t think I could wait till marriage.

He told me, “I don’t want to touch you because I made a promise to God that as long as I don’t sleep with anybody’s future or present wife, let no man sleep with mine.” I laughed thinking he was joking but then I realised he was serious. I asked if he was a virgin and he said yes. I asked him, “So what if I wasn’t a virgin?” “Then I will know you are not mine,” he answered. Something in me just made me love him more.

Three years later, Isaac was in my home for the necessary steps for marriage. My father didn’t like his tribe but after much convincing, he paved the way for our love.

Four weeks to the wedding, I went out with my friends. It was a girls’ night out. This outing turned out to be my worst nightmare. It was getting late so I left before my friends, and called Isaac to come pick me up. The distance from the party venue to the main road was only a few minutes walk so I decided to walk and wait up for Isaac by the roadside.

While I walking, I felt movements behind me. I looked back and saw two shadows. I picked up my pace but they were faster. They were two guys who came out of nowhere. To spare you the horrid details, my sweet Isaac wasn’t given the honour of disvirgining me.

He arrived after the incident. When he got to the scene of the crime, I was lying on the floor crying, bleeding, and in pain. He didn’t ask me what happened. He just rushed me to the nearest hospital. When we got to the hospital I was admitted.

He stayed by my side until I told him what happened. He was devastated. He left me at the hospital and went away even though I begged him not to go. The next morning I was supposed to be discharged but I asked the doctor to conduct tests for me in case I contracted any diseases.

I still hadn’t heard from Isaac at the time I was discharged. I got home to worried parents and friends. No one had told them what happened to me. When I saw their faces, I started crying and insulting my friends for no reason. Later when I was calmed down, I explained everything to them.

My mum broke down. My friends and I also cried. I also told them Isaac left me at the hospital and I hadn’t heard from him since. My parents told me to give him time. I kept on checking my phone for his call or his text, but there was nothing. When I got tired of waiting, I called him. But he didn’t pick up.

While he was ignoring me, I kept thinking about the promise he made to God. When I didn’t hear from him for three days, I wanted to go and visit him. However, my parents advised me; “Let him be. He will come around when he is ready.”

I did as they asked, and the next day he called me. The first thing he did was apologise for leaving me at the hospital. Then he told me I had to do a test to make sure I didn’t get any infections. I told him I already did that. He asked that we both go together to the hospital for the results, and I agreed.

You cannot imagine the thoughts that kept on sweeping in my mind when it came to the possible outcome of the results. The next week, we both went to the hospital. The doctor told us there were no signs of infections. We were so relieved that when he said we would need to run another set of tests in a few weeks time, we didn’t bother.

I was glad, but I looked at the doctor and sensed there was more news. I asked him, “What else are you not saying?” He paused for a minute before saying, “There’s a life growing inside you.” I was speechless. I was almost in tears. I heard Isaac tell the doctor that we have to get rid of it.

The doctor told us that while treating me the night of my unfortunate encounter, he found out that due to the nature of my womb, getting rid of my first pregnancy might be dangerous and might destroy any chance of me getting pregnant again.

Isaac left the office. I cried more and asked the doctor if he was sure. And he said yes. I went out and found Isaac in his car. His head was resting on the steering wheel. When I got in, he drove off. It was a marathon of tears for me in the car.

When we got to my house I gathered my composure and asked him what we were going to do. He told me to leave and that he would call me. I sat there for a while looking at him with my wet eyes, but he didn’t look at me back.

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I wanted to tell him that I was sorry but I couldn’t. I don’t know why I couldn’t. I told him I would be expecting his call and gave him a kiss on the cheek, but I got no response from him. Immediately I got out of the car, he sped off.

I got into the house and said nothing to my parents even when they kept asking me questions. I got into my room and started crying and screaming. Our wedding is in three weeks. I don’t even know if I still have a wedding. I almost tore the wedding dress. It seems there’s trouble now but wait till his parents eventually find out. They are very traditional so they definitely would not allow Isaac to marry me.

I’ve Thought About How To Blame God

I want to get rid of the pregnancy but I can’t just yet. Not without Isaac’s permission because it might also involve his future. That’s if we still have a future together. It was five days ago he left my house, and there have been no calls or texts from him. He doesn’t respond to my calls. God knows I didn’t plan for misfortune to happen.

Yesterday I was suicidal but today I decided to share my story here for any form of support. Please, help me with any advice. Should I just let him go so he would find another girl that no man has slept with?

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—Binta

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