I gave birth when I was very young. My boyfriend’s parents insisted he was not responsible for the pregnancy. He knew his parents were lying. Between the two of us, we knew the things we did that led to the pregnancy. There was no one else I did those things with but him. So who else would have fathered my child?
Instead of accepting responsibility for his actions, he listened to his family. They told him to reject the baby and he did. He came clean about it later but how is that fair to me?
I was living with my brother when the pregnancy happened. When he found out he got the guy arrested. The case went to court. In spite of all this, the guy’s family insisted he was not the father of my unborn child. The court heard them out but ruled that they should take care of me till the baby arrives. After delivery, they should conduct a DNA test to prove that the child indeed is not theirs.
These people didn’t take care of me. It was my mother who took care of me till I had the baby. As for my brother, he didn’t let me have it easy. He made sure I felt the heat of my mistakes. I experienced frustration to the point of depression. My brother insulted me every chance he got. The guy’s family also went about spreading lies about me. Everywhere I passed, someone was either mocking me or making snide comments about the pregnancy. All because I didn’t have a responsible partner standing by me.
I was angry. I hated myself for allowing myself to be put in the family way by someone who abandoned me. This is someone I stood with when his life was hard. He lived with his father, stepmother, and siblings. His stepmother treated him differently from her other children. Sometimes he didn’t even have money to eat. I became a thief because of him. I would steal money from my brother and give him to go to school.
He always had a lot of chores to do while his siblings did nothing. I felt pity for him so I would go to his house and help him out.
Imagine my pain in knowing that someone I did all this for turned his back on me the minute it was convenient for him. He made it look like his parents forced him to betray me but I believe he was part of it. It favoured him so he jumped on it. My heart was beyond broken but what could I have done? I had to gather the courage and face my path. After delivery, I went back to school while my mother took care of the baby.
Although I finally moved on with my life, I still carry my past with me. The pain I suffered during the pregnancy continues to haunt me. It doesn’t also help matters that I am facing challenges in my marriage currently. All of it has made me bitter toward my child.
He is a lovely ten-year-old boy who bears an uncanny resemblance to his father. When I see him, all I see is pain, betrayal, and disappointment. So every little mistake he makes earns him a beating. I am not happy with the way I treat him but I cannot bring myself to stop it. I don’t hate him. He just reminds me too much of his father. I feel pain when I set my eyes on him.
Ironically, my husband does not treat him badly at all. The relationship between them is that of a father and a son, not stepfather and stepson. It’s just unfortunate that my husband’s attention is divided. He is too busy doing things outside to pay attention to my emotional needs. When he also annoys me, I take it out on my son.
I know I am not okay emotionally. I feel depressed but people don’t know this about me. All they see are the manifestations of my messed-up state of mind. They see a wicked mother. They don’t see me break down in tears when I am filled with regret for beating my child.
I have tried everything within my power to overlook some of his wrongdoings but before I know it, I am beating him. When am doing it too, I do it with the pain from my past.
Please help me out of this. I want to stop making an innocent child pay for something he doesn’t know anything about. I too want to be free from the shackles of my past. I have carried this thing for ten years. I feel sick; emotionally, physically, and psychologically.
I have tried to open up to people close to me but they all don’t believe me. They think I am just an abusive mother. But I am dying slowly from all the negativity within me. Please help me with suggestions. If anyone here has experienced what I am going through, tell me how you overcame it.
– Audrey
Seek professional help. Take a break if need be. Go on a retreat. Join groups such as church groups etc. Most importantly lean on God for your healing. After all these make an effort to control your anger. Talk to your husband about your challenges. He might be of great help to you.
It’s commendable that you’re aware of this and want to make a change. Here are steps to help you stop venting your anger on your child due to feelings toward the father:
1. Acknowledge the Cycle
Recognize that your child is innocent and not responsible for the issues between you and the father.
Understand that expressing your anger at your child can harm their emotional well-being and the bond you share.
2. Separate the Issues
Mentally and emotionally separate your feelings about their father from your interactions with your child. Remind yourself that your child is not an extension of the father; they are their own person.
3. Develop Healthy Outlets for Anger
Find ways to process and release your anger constructively:
Exercise (e.g., running, yoga, or boxing).
Journaling your feelings.
Talking to a trusted friend, family member, or therapist.
4. Pause Before Reacting
Practice mindfulness techniques, like taking a deep breath or counting to ten, when you feel anger rising.
This pause gives you a moment to redirect your emotions and respond calmly.
5. Focus on Your Child’s Needs
Spend time understanding your child’s emotions and behaviors. This can help shift your focus away from anger and onto nurturing your child.
Build positive memories with the child, which will reinforce the child’s trust and your connection.
6. Seek Professional Support
Therapy can help you work through unresolved feelings toward your child’s father and teach you healthier coping mechanisms.
Parenting classes can also provide strategies for managing stress and improving communication with your child.
7. Practice Self-Care
Prioritize your mental and physical health. When you’re well-rested and feeling balanced, you’re less likely to react out of anger.
8. Set Boundaries with the Father
If interactions with your child’s father are triggering, set boundaries to limit unnecessary conflict. Communicate in ways that reduce stress, like written messages instead of verbal arguments.
9. Apologize and Rebuild
After you have vented anger on your child, apologize sincerely. This teaches the child accountability and helps repair trust.
10. Consider Co-Parenting Support
If possible, work on improving the co-parenting relationship to create a less stressful dynamic, which can help reduce feelings of resentment.
Your awareness is already a powerful first step. With consistent effort, you can create a more positive environment for both you and your child.
Sweetheart i know how you feel, when i was reading your story i was tearing up because i have been there before. Please see a psychologist. i was always mad at my daughter for no reason but now she is my everything. I dont know how i changed from a depressed wicked mom to a sweet an loving mom. Seeing a specialist really helped me a lot. u can call me 0559528525 let talk more. u r not alone my dear.
I feel pity for the poor boy
This very sad, u can send him to leave with ur mum for a while, don’t think he’s ruined ur life, he may be ur pillar one day and that guy will surely regret
Just start hugging him by heart.
Take him to your mom and seek therapy