My marriage ended terribly. The woman I got married to fell back on her ex and they cheated on me. The man was abroad. According to my ex-wife, they were sweethearts until he travelled abroad and abandoned her. Two years later, I came into the picture. She narrated the story to me even before I proposed to her. I assured her of good love and even made a promise that if after two years we were not married, she could leave the relationship. This was to prove to her that I didn’t come into her life to waste her time. Her heart was empty and it was difficult to fill it back with love again. Even after she accepted my proposal she was still scared. If I didn’t answer her text early enough, she would get angry. If I went a day without calling her, she would call and ask me if I was planning to leave her.

She came to my place unannounced on several occasions. I didn’t mind. I had nothing to hide. A year and a half after dating, we agreed to get married. She was as happy as I was. Apart from her insecurity, I knew she was a good woman. She planned with me in mind and gave me support anytime I needed it. Her boyfriend used her support to travel abroad and abandoned her but she never pulled her support away from me. Our wedding was superb. Our honeymoon was perfect. We started marriage on the right footing. Until a few months into the marriage, I noticed a dent in her actions. It started like a small innocuous crack until it kept getting larger each day.

She would close from work and come home very late. She came home complaining of fatigue and as such wouldn’t do anything for me. On weekends, she would either go to a wedding of an unknown friend or attend the funeral of a relative who hadn’t died. I started asking questions; “Abena, why is everything changing this quickly? Is there something I’m not doing right? Where am I going wrong as a husband? You and I are new to this thing called marriage. We’ll make mistakes but it rests on us to correct our mistakes and bounce back. You’ve started living life all alone and it scares me. Why don’t we attend those weddings together? Why can’t I go to those funerals with you? What’s different?”

She answered, “I didn’t know you’ll go. Next time I will go with you but stop thinking something is wrong. We are fine. I love you. You’re doing everything right and I appreciate it. We’ll make it to the end so stop talking about the end from our starting point.” I stayed calm, believing everything was alright though I had my doubts. One late night, I felt a light in my eyes. It was consistent so I woke up. I saw she was typing on her phone. I turned around and continued sleeping. Another time, I woke up at dawn and she wasn’t sleeping next to me. I waited and she wasn’t coming so I went to look for her. She was sitting on the toilet seat typing on her phone. I stood next to the door until she was coming out. Her hand holding the phone came out before her body so I snatched the phone from her.

She was chatting with her ex-boyfriend. The boy was in town and they had met the day before that dawn. They had done a lot of unnamed things and they were reminiscing about it in their chats. I got angry. I screamed at her. I told her I wasn’t going to give back the phone to her until she takes me to the guy. I made a lot of threats while she stood there fumbling. I was hurt but I decided to forgive her if only she could confess everything that happened and be ready to go to counselling for it. She confessed but did not accept to attend the counselling. I was paranoid. Every move she took smelled like cheating to me so I started monitoring her move. I could go to her office and stay in the corners until she closes. I will follow her to see where she’s going. One day, the guy come for her after work. I called her immediately and she told me she was in the office and was going to close very late.

I didn’t sack her from the house. When she came to the house, I wasn’t there. I had packed and left the house for her. I went to stay with a friend for a week. He gave me the courage to seek what I should have sought right from the day she cheated. I called her parents and reported everything to them. They didn’t even try to resolve it. Her father said, “I’m too embarrassed to even say anything. You’ll be right to leave and we’ll be here to accept whatever you say. The divorce process was long and meandering but we sailed through in the end. We got divorced and she later travelled with her ex. 

READ ALSO: To The Man Who Broke Me Twice: It Will Never Happen Again

It was very difficult for me to love again until I met Matilda, a woman who has gone through the same story I’d gone through but in a different way. She met a man who got her pregnant. They both agreed they will marry after the baby was born. “The man has money and could have married me even before the pregnancy showed but he delayed and later said the marriage would be done with the naming ceremony.” After the baby was born, the man started having second thoughts until he finally came out to say that he wasn’t going to marry her again. To make matters worse, the child they gave birth to has down syndrome. When the man realized everything was not right with the child, he absconded from their lives, leaving Matilda to carry the burden all alone.

Two souls with the same love story…a story of love gone bad. With time we bonded and became lovers. We’ve dated for three years now. We should have married last year but my parents said no. “You can’t go out there and settle with just anyone just because you’re lonely. She has a sick child. For the rest of your life, you’re going to take care of someone’s sick child.  We won’t allow that to happen. Have you found out if the sickness is from their family? No, look for another woman. You’ve gone through a lot to go through this one too.”  

What haven’t I said? What haven’t I done? My parents don’t even want to meet Matilda for the second time. At this point, she’s giving up on me. She thinks living with me prolongs her suffering and she needs a break but I don’t want to lose her. I’m thinking of a way to make my parents understand but they won’t. I told Matilda. “They won’t allow us to get married but they can’t break us. We can stay this way without marriage. One day they’ll give up and leave us alone. Let’s soldier on.” She said, “No. I want to be married. For how long will I stay with you and be reminded that I have a sick child? Go on with your life and let me go on with mine. You can’t disobey your parents and that’s fine.”

What else should I tell her to give me more time? I need time. It’s not going to be easy but I believe my parents would carve in if we persist. What should I tell her to understand me? I need advice. 

—Cyrus

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