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I went home with Jay in August. August because it was my mother’s birthday and she was in the best of moods to receive good news. I had dated Jay for two years and we were getting closer to the altar. Since I couldn’t marry him at the blind spot of my parents, I took him home to introduce him to my parents. My mother was very happy to finally meet a man who was going to give her grandchildren. My dad didn’t worry so much about grandchildren. He didn’t even worry about my marriage and how long it would take to happen. It was always my mother who called to tell me, “Jemila, Look at me and your father. We are growing older and older each day. We don’t have so much time left in our sleeves. Your senior brothers won’t marry but you’re at the glorious peak of your life. When are you going to come home with a man? When are you going to make me grandchildren?”

So when I was going home that day on her birthday, I already could imagine the kind of happiness my mother was going to be in. I said, “Mom, this is Jay. The man…” Then she snatched the rest of the sentences from my lips, “The man you’re going to marry, I know. You don’t have to talk too much. I knew what the mission was immediately you came here with him. Gentleman, you’ve done very well. You bring honor to us because you came to see us. May God bless your intentions.” All this while, my father was sitting quietly, only nodding and not saying anything in particular. After my mother’s rant, my dad asked Jay, “What do you do? I was asked this question the day I met my wife’s parents. It’s just right that I ask the same question. Don’t take it wrongly.”

Jay said, “I’m a doctor. A new doctor I must say. I’m in the second year of my practice.” My dad asked, “Does that make you less a doctor? The number of years you’ve practiced?” Jay answered, “Not really. It’s just information I seek to put across.” My father looked at my face and said, “You’ve done well. This only shows that all the training we gave you in the house went into your head. You came home with a man. Our investment in you wasn’t in vain.” 

After everything when we were leaving the house, my mother called me on the side and whispered, “So when are you guys going to get married and start making babies? Look at him. He’ll give you beautiful babies who can speak good English. You don’t have to waste time. Get married as soon as possible. Time is running out.”

August, September, October my father called me on the phone. Usually, he was the first to say hello before I respond with a hello. I picked up the phone and he wasn’t talking. I said hello for several seconds before he finally said “Hello.” He sounded suppressed with a lump down his throat. I asked, “Dad are you ok?” He said, “How can I be ok when your mother has decided to do this to me? How can I be ok?” He was crying. He was lamenting about a lot of things I had no idea of. I said, “Dad you’re scaring me. What did mom do?” He responded, “She died. Your mom died. She chose today to leave me alone here on this earth. How could she do this to me?”

My mother wasn’t sick for even a day but she died just like that. Headache turned to abdominal pains. Abdominal pains graduated to severe itches. She was rushed to the hospital at dawn and she was pronounced DOA. Her time was running out and she was telling me all the time but I didn’t understand her. Time and tides happen to everyone differently. Her time was due. Four years ago we buried my mother. 

It delayed our marriage plans but it didn’t stop us. After her one-year anniversary, we brought back our marriage plans from the archives and carried on until we finally got married two years ago. Jay has been my joy. He’s the reason why my mom’s death didn’t hurt that much. He helped me through it all and in marriage, he had done everything for me to know that he’s the right man for me. He told me one day, “Your father had been calling me every day asking me for money. He calls with issues and later asks me to send him something. I don’t have problems with sending him the money but the frequency of it is getting me worried. It only means he’s not managing the money I send to him very well. Can you get someone to help him?”

“My father? Calls you to ask for money?”

He showed me his mobile records of all the MoMo he had been sending to my dad. It looked like he was sending him money weekly. I screamed, “But Jay, that’s wrong? He’s not your father. If anything, I should be consulted before you do anything for him.” He said, “He’s a man and I’m a man too. Men understand men differently.”

“He’s a man but he’s my father. He knows you because of me so if anything, I should be the bridge between you two. He can’t just jump and get to you like that. That’s wrong.”

So I called my father; “Dad, we pay you monthly allowance. We don’t default. Even after we’ve gathered the money and sent it to you, I personally add extra so you can be comfortable. Why are you calling my husband for money all the time?” He asked me, “Did he tell you?” I answered, “He didn’t tell me. I found out from his phone and the amount he sends you every now and then. Stop doing that. You’re creating the impression that we are not taking care of you well and it’s not right.” He responded calmly, “If your husband is not complaining, then why would you call me and complain? And what’s wrong if your husband gives me money? Is it your money? Why are you being selfish?”

I didn’t expect the conversation to go how it went but I figured I’d sent my message across to him so he’ll desist from calling my husband. That very same day he called my husband and told him, “You know women are different. You don’t have to do things and later allow your wife to see it. She’s my daughter but I can’t trust her as I trust you. That’s why I come to you directly. Don’t tell her what goes on between us and don’t let her see it.” Days later, he called again asking for money to go and fix his eyes at the hospital. My husband told him to discuss it with me first since the amount he was requesting was so much. My father never called me until a week later he called my husband again asking for something less than what he requested to fix his eyes. My husband again told him to discuss it with me. My dad said, “So now, even a penny, I have to discuss it with my daughter first? Is that the same way you treat your own father when he calls for assistance? He has to discuss it with your wife first?”

My dad called me and he was very angry. He cried on the phone accusing me of blocking his income; “Do you know how I’ve suffered for you. All my kids, you’re the one I suffered to raise. Even when I was sick and couldn’t get up, I had to walk through the rain and storms for you because you were always sick and dying. You’ve found your feet in life now and you want to deny me my own share? Do you know how difficult it is to live this life alone? Why are you being selfish?”

Nothing I said would calm this man down. I discussed it with my other siblings and they called him. He called them ingrate before he cut the call on them; “All of you are ingrate. I labored single-handedly to bring you to where you are now but you won’t allow pennies to fall on me because you’re the ones in power now. I swear when I die you guys shouldn’t come and claim me. I don’t know you. I’ve disowned you. I don’t have kids and I’m fine.”

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So we figured it might be depression. Living life alone usually gets depressing. We tried to help him in that direction and he accused us of thinking he was a mad person. He won’t meet anyone and he won’t talk to anyone. We send him money and he collects it but he won’t pick up his phone to talk to us. I visited him one day and the kind of drama he put up that day, I got embarrassed. All because I’ve stopped my husband from sending him money. He doesn’t have eye problems. He has never had eye issues since we’ve known him. He would call and complain about chest problems which he doesn’t have. He’ll say anything just to get money from my husband and since I won’t allow him, he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me. 

He’s sixty-three years old and very strong. Has anyone had such issues with their old folks? My dad doesn’t pick up my calls. He continues calling my husband for money. I know my husband, he gets frustrated and sends it to him. The only time he calls me is when he wants to insult me because my husband didn’t give him money. It’s embarrassing and it’s getting to a point where I’m getting angry too. I don’t want to treat him the same way he’s treating me—rejecting my calls, cursing, and fighting whenever he’s denied money. What should I do?

—Jemila

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