My mother-in-law was unwell so we took her in. Among all her children, my husband is the only one who is married and lives here in Ghana. The other one who is also married lives outside the country. The remaining two are unmarried men. Their work schedule doesn’t give them time to stay at home. That’s how the responsibility fell on my husband and me to take care of her.

We have two children so taking in my mother-in-law hasn’t been easy for us at all. However, it was meant to be for just a few days so I didn’t mind. Besides, we figured it would be good for our kids to spend some time with their grandmother. While I am determined to see the positive side of a difficult situation, my mother-in-law came prepared to dish out negativity in different forms and doses.

First of all, she believes I am living a better life than she did. She says this to my face all the time. Every little misunderstanding that happens she would say, “You are so lucky to have a man taking care of all your needs the way my son does. Me, I didn’t have it like this. I suffered to raise my children.” The way she said it made it sound like she would be happy to see me suffer too.

One time she walked in on me pouring water into a cooking pot we used to boil rice. The rice was finished but a few grains were stuck in the pot, thus the water. When this woman saw it she started shouting, “Why did you pour water on all that rice? You have it easy so you are wasting my son’s money.” I tried to explain to her that I wasn’t wasting food but she wouldn’t hear any of it. All she said was that I am talking the way I do because her son goes to work every day and comes back to feed me.

After everything, she would complain about my cooking. She would tell me there is no pepper in my soup but eat everything I serve her, and even go for a second serving. I am the one who suggested that she comes to live with us so we take care of her. And ever since she moved in, I go with her twice a month for her hospital visits. When I cook for the family, I make a special meal for her according to her dietary requirements. Yet she treats me as if I am her rival.

Apart from the way she treats me, she has issues with maintaining good hygiene. This woman lived most of her life in Accra. She worked for expatriates before old age caught up with her. So I know she knows how to take good care of herself. But I think menopause has altered the way she goes about things these days. She would wake up and not bathe until late in the night. When I ask her to bathe in the morning, she would tell me she is not dirty. And then accuse me of insulting her.

She would also wear one dress continuously for several days before she would eventually change into something new. It isn’t that she does her own laundry. I am the one who washes her clothes and everyone else’s. So one time when I saw her wearing an unwashed dress, I politely suggested that she wears something else. She got angry, “Didn’t I know that I already wore this dress yesterday before wearing it again? Yesterday I didn’t wear it out so it’s not dirty. That’s why I’m repeating it today. Or are you telling me that I’m smelling? Is that what this is about?” I just calmly apologized and left her alone.

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From the look of things, I would say I did her wrong by extending her a helping hand. I feel like I should have stood back and not offered to look after her when my husband and his siblings were wondering who would take care of their mother. Because the good I am trying to do has become a weapon fashioned against me. Nothing I have done to this point has ever met her approval.

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I haven’t complained about her behaviour to anyone in my life, not even my family. After all, I was the one who volunteered to do this. Now that I am tired of her constant criticisms, who do I turn to? Most importantly, how can I win her over to my side? I want her to understand that we are on the same team. And that she is like a mother to me so I would never purposely do anything that wouldn’t serve her interest.

I am also wondering if I am the problem here. I am very worried about the rate at which she picks fights with me. Please, let me know if there’s something I am doing wrong so that I can resolve it.

—Efy

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