Right from the beginning, my mother wanted me to marry a certain man because of his money. I told her politely, “I can’t marry this man. I don’t love him and I don’t see myself marrying someone I don’t love. Again, he’s way older than I am. I can’t marry him.” She insisted. She did all within her power to make me settle with that man but I didn’t succumb to her pressure. When the time was right, I introduced the one I wanted to marry to her and that was when the issue started.

She said no to us. She said she wouldn’t agree for us to get married. My dad was receptive. He was happy for me and encouraged me to go ahead with the marriage. My mom and my dad are no longer married. They got divorced long ago and have been living apart since then.

With encouragement from my dad and other siblings and our pastor, we decided to go ahead with the marriage. At a certain point, she came around and even decided to help sew my wedding dress and all the other costumes. We set a date for the wedding but due to delays from her end, we had to postpone the wedding. We fixed another date and when that date was also approaching, she said she was sick and will not be able to finish sewing the dresses for our wedding. We asked her, “So what date do you think would be favorable for you?” She chose a new date for us. God being so good, we were able to have a beautiful wedding on the said date that she chose. 

After marriage, she started warning me not to get pregnant anytime soon. I asked, “How is that possible? I’m married now and the next thing is to bear children for my husband, so why shouldn’t I?” She said, “Remember the building you’re putting up for me. Finish that one first before children come in to distract you.” I started that building long ago before marriage. When my husband also came into the picture, I discussed it with him and he also agreed to come on board for us to complete it quickly. It had never occurred to me that giving birth will distract me from that building. If anything, we are committed to finishing it so she can move in as soon as possible. That day when she raised that view, I told her, “You have nothing to worry about. We’ll finish it for you.”

Right after our honeymoon, I got pregnant. She wasn’t happy when she got to know about the pregnancy. She never hid her displeasure. She woke up each day talking about how disappointed she was about my pregnancy. One day, right in front of her, I miscarried the pregnancy. She saw it with her eyes and knew the pain I was going through. I was devastated but there was nothing I could do. Right after the miscarriage, she started warning me again not to try to get pregnant. I didn’t care about her warnings.

One day I traveled to where my husband is stationed. But before going there, I passed by my mother’s place, spent a night there before going to my husband’s place. When I told her where I was going, she said, “Be careful you don’t go and get pregnant again. You have a project to accomplish. Finish that one for me first before you think about pregnancy.” I went to my husband’s place and came back. Another time, my husband came to visit me. I was in the room with him when my mother called me on the phone. She heard the voice of my husband and asked me, “I can hear voices. Who is that?” I said, “My husband is here.” Her mood changed immediately. She started ranting, “I’ve told you over and over again and I will repeat today. You better not get pregnant. You have to finish the building first.” She sounded like a broken record so I didn’t mind her.

Five months after the miscarriage, I got pregnant again. And again, I got a miscarriage. I cried. I was totally shattered. I asked myself, “How long is this going to continue?” I called my mom and told her I had miscarried again. I asked her, “Did you go through the same thing when you were young? Is there anything—any medications at all  I could use to prevent these series of miscarriages?” She got angry. It was her first time knowing about that pregnancy so she made a case out of it; “Why do you have to get pregnant when I had told you in a clear language that you shouldn’t get pregnant until the project is done? You don’t want me to go and live in my new house? Why don’t you listen to me?” 

It was all about her and the new house she desires to live in. Somehow I could understand her concerns. Where she’s currently staying is not comfortable at all. She needs to relocate and I understand her but if anything, it’s the same house she had lived and raised us for the past ten years so living in it for a couple of years wouldn’t change anything or hurt anyone. But this woman is using it as a reason for me not to get pregnant. My husband wants kids. Currently, kids are everything that would make him happy. I can’t deprive my husband of his happiness all because of a new building we have to put up. 

I brushed her complaints and nagging aside and went ahead to get pregnant again. Currently, I’m three months pregnant. I haven’t told her anything about the pregnancy. I’ve told my dad about it and my elder brother also knows about it. We’ve all agreed not to tell my mom about it. My dad warned, “Never in your life tell your mom about this one until you deliver.”

READ ALSO: Never Cheat On The One You Intend To Live With Because Nobody Forgives Completely

“Until you deliver,” That’s where the problem lies. She’s my mother. Regardless of everything, she still remains my mother and I can’t keep her in the dark until the baby arrives. It will spark chaos and that chaos may spread through my marriage. I don’t want that to happen in my marriage. The last time she told me, “If you go ahead and get pregnant and later deliver, you better not bring that baby to where I live now. Know also that I won’t come to your house to help take care of the baby. First things first.” That threat didn’t bother me a lot. My mother-in-law is a loving person. She’s way over the moon about this pregnancy. When we asked her to come around when I deliver, she gleefully accepted and told us she couldn’t wait to come and live with us.

The problem now is whether or not to tell my mom about the pregnancy. I’m in between a rock and a hard place now. If I tell her, trouble. If I don’t tell her until delivery too she will make a huge issue out of it and make my life a living hell. 

I’m confused. My husband and I don’t know what to do. We know what that woman is capable of doing when she gets to hear about a baby without getting to hear about the pregnancy that brought up the baby. She’s my mother and I love her regardless. But this one is beyond me. Kindly advise me on what next to do. 

–May

Do you have any relationship experience to share? Email it to [email protected]

NOTE: NO PART OF THIS CONTENT CAN BE REPUBLISHED OR REPRODUCED IN ANY FORM WITHOUT THE EXPLICIT CONSENT OF THE EDITORS OF THIS BLOG