I am the first of my mother’s children. She had me when she was very young. So at this point in our lives, you could mistake us for sisters. That’s one thing that makes her happy. Whenever someone tells her, “You are so young and beautiful. You look exactly like your daughter,” she would smile so wide. I am sure if it was possible to see a black woman blush, we would see her cheeks turn rosy. I admit, she is beautiful. I love her very much but I don’t like her as a person sometimes.
Because I am the oldest among my siblings, I witnessed a lot of things they didn’t. One of which was her marriage to my father. He used to hit her at the least provocation. He yelled at her all the time. Honestly, when I think about him, all I see is an angry man who screams just to instill fear in us. If abusive was a person, it would be my father. Despite all the torture, my mother stayed for our sake.
When their marriage finally collapsed, his relatives took custody of us. They wouldn’t let my mother near us. She went to live her life the best way she could without us. And when she made something out of herself, she returned for us. She had to scheme and plot devices to steal us from them. We were so glad when she succeeded.
One thing I observed at that young age was how fortunate my mother was when it came to attracting good men. Most of the men who came into her life after my dad were white men. They had money so they took good care of her. That’s how she gave us a good life. They treated her with kindness as well, however, my mother’s ability to self-sabotage took the steering wheel in these relationships. It didn’t matter how happy they made her, she cheated on all of them. More than once. So whenever they found out, they left.
In all this, she never planned for her future. She didn’t buy land or even invest the money she got from these relationships as a retirement plan. I am not saying she is irresponsible with money. After all, kids are expensive, and she raised us singlehandedly. I am just saying, that if she hadn’t cheated on all the good men who were helping her, her life would have been better.
Some of these men set up businesses for her. Because they were the major investors, the businesses collapsed when they left her. One time one of my uncles told me, “Make sure you do well in school. Discipline yourself. Don’t mess up your life and end up promiscuous like your mother.” I nodded and said okay, even though I didn’t understand what the word meant at the time.
When I came to understand the word, I didn’t make anything of it. I felt my mother was a woman who did everything to survive and take care of her children in a harsh world. I did not appreciate that she was judged for the things she had to do when she didn’t have better. Well, that was until I brought home a man I was seeing. She knew who this guy was to me, yet she made moves on him. I had to let the guy go because of it. That poor guy probably still has so many questions to date.
Even after that incident, I excused her behaviour. I told myself, “She had to weaponize her sexuality for so long that it has become second nature to her. She probably didn’t realize what she was doing.” Regardless, I tend to keep anyone I’m dating very far away from her. Considering that I haven’t had a relationship with my father in decades, she’s mostly the only family I have.
That she’s mostly the only family I have doesn’t say much considering we don’t have a family anymore. She just doesn’t care to keep all her children close. Maybe she is tired of being a mother. Or maybe we are also tired of the unhealthy relationship we have with her. That explains why we only talk when it is absolutely necessary. Family get-togethers do not exist in our dictionaries. We are each on our own at this point.
I am not going to lie, my mother has put me through a lot. There was a time when she disappeared for two years. I was a kid but I was forced to raise my younger siblings in her absence. She has done things to me that I am even ashamed to share here anonymously. However, none of those things beat what she did to me recently.
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A friend of mine who also happens to be friends with her reached out with a job opportunity for me. When I shared the news with her she said “Ah that’s good! We can even do it together.” This opportunity was not about her. Besides, they were only looking for one person so they gave it to me.
One day my friend called me and asked; “Are you having problems with your mother?” “My mother? No, we are just both busy. That’s why we barely talk. Why are you asking?” My friend responded, “Keep an eye on her. When you are making plans, don’t tell her. I am saying this because she wants me to fire you and hire her instead.” My heart broke instantly. If I didn’t know my mother, I would have outrightly called my friend a liar.
It took me weeks to come to terms with the fact that she did it. Who closes their daughter’s doors like that? This is the same woman who has repeatedly refused to talk to her connections to help me secure a job although she demands I support her financially. I get it, she wants to make something for herself. But must it be at the expense of others? Especially me, her own child?
Despite everything that has happened, she is still my mother. I still love her. However, I try to limit my interactions with her because I don’t know what else she will do in an attempt to sabotage me. Is there anyone here with such a strained relationship with their mother? How do you handle it? I want to know so that I can adopt some of the methods you use. I don’t want to completely cut her off, but I also want to stay as far away from her as possible. Does it make sense?
—Clara
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Cutting her off is the only way. A leopard never changes it’s spots . We don’t tolerate certain behaviour but rather we put a stop to it. Inorder to grow well we uproot the weeds which prevents us from growing. That’s is the same way we deal with such people. If you don’t uproot it with the roots and just cut it off it will grow again and take all the nutrients from you. There is no way out of this. Don’t forget to pray.
It’s high time you look out for your father, you should know what your father has endured when with your mother. Look out for your siblings as well and maintain a united side. Keep a long arms length with your mother, though accord her the love.
How I wish I could speak to you Clara. We are in the same soup but the difference is the sabotage. With mine she is very self centered and does not care about the feelings of anybody. Very manipulative and always using emotional blackmail. It’s not an easy thing. Yours may be worse and I understand your frustrations. Just do you and ensure you don’t fall for any emotional blackmail that may erupt. I don’t know how I can get to speak to you but incase silent beads accepts to get us to talk I’m sure sharing ideas may be a great thing to both of us. Be strong Clara.