Whenever I go on my knees I pray for my husband, Peter. He’s fighting a tough battle with my mother and I pray God gives him the strength to withstand the kind of venom my mother throws his way. I pity him when I put myself in his shoes. He tells me everything is alright. He tells me he doesn’t feel hurt but deep down, I know what my mother is doing hurts him. He may laugh to cover the scar or smile to hide his bleeding wound but the truth still remains that it hurts the way my mother is treating him. I’m fighting for him. I’ve screamed at my mother on several occasions because of him. I’ve prevented him from visiting home with me but nothing changes. The demon in my mom wants to see Peter floored before she can rest in peace. But that won’t happen.
The whole problem started because of Chris. Chris comes from a very rich home and we attend the same church. Chris’ mother is a good friend to my mother. In church, I’m in the same society as Chris. He’s a nice guy. Very affable. Every woman in the church wanted a piece of him so I learned to stay out of the competition. I don’t know what happened, one day after church meeting, he asked me to wait for him so he drives me home. I sat next to him and he drove me home. Before I got down from the car he proposed to me. I was coming to say no but he said, “I know you will want to think about it. That’s alright, think about it. I will wait for your answer.”
The way he talked sounded like he already knew what I will say after thinking about it. That annoyed me so I decided to say no to him after a few days. But that day when he took me home, my mother saw us. When I entered my room she followed. She said, “Hmmm, it looks like you two are cooking something. Should I be happy about it?” I answered, “No we are not cooking anything. I don’t even like him.” She sat on my bed and used over an hour to exhort me on the need to like a guy like Chris. “Men like Chris don’t come a woman’s way often so when they come, you grab them with both hands. What do you want? What do you need in a man that he doesn’t have? He’s a Christian. He comes from a good home. He’s well educated. His future shines ahead of him. What else can a woman need?”
I said yes to Chris. I won’t put the blame on my mother. Maybe I liked him too but was only scared of the competition. But I won’t also write off the influence of my mother. She liked him. I thought it would make her happier if I said yes to him so I did. I became his queen. He showed me off to the envy of the girls who wanted him. I picked a lot of enemies in the church because of that but that didn’t bother me. He who carries the most colorful feathers draws the envy of many. I knew it before I even entered the relationship so nothing bothered me except the behavior of Chris. He was used to getting what he needed so he didn’t like to hear no from me. Even our first time, he forced his way through me. I should have left him that day but I stayed.
If he wanted something from me and I couldn’t give it, he insulted me. He treated me like I was beneath him. He didn’t see me as a partner. He treated me like an errand girl who he sleeps with. He didn’t talk about the future and he had other girls he was hiding from me. We were fighting more than we were loving each other. He broke up with me on several occasions but he used his access to my mother to get me to say yes to him. My mom was always on my case; “Don’t push Chris away. He’s a young boy. When he grows up he’ll change. Have patience.” We dated for close to two years. Nothing changed. He even slapped me once because I dared to challenge him. Yeah, he apologized afterward but his apology didn’t erase the pain from the slap.
I told him it was over. He ran to my mother again. I stood on my feet. I told my mom to stay out of it. For close to a month, my mom came to my room every morning advising me to take Chris back. I started locking my door so she wouldn’t have access to me. It was hard but slowly I got her to accept the fact that I’d moved on. A year later, I met Peter. I brought him home to meet my mother and my mom treated him very well. When Peter left, my mom said, “So you couldn’t go up to bring home someone better than Chris? Who is this one too? What’s his work and who are his parents? Where does he come from and what does he bring to the table?” I told my mom, “Life isn’t all about Chris. There’s moving on and there are many people out there who ain’t Chris but are better humans than Chris.”
Right from the word go, I let her know that I won’t entertain any diverse opinions about my man. We dated for a year and we got married. Chris was in a different town so I packed my things and went to live with him. All this while, my mother wasn’t pleased about the marriage but it didn’t matter to me. A year or so later, Chris also got married. I thought that would have drawn the curtains down on everything Chris. I thought wrong.
We went home one day to visit her. While at that hall watching TV she asked, “Do you know that Chris bought his wife a car recently?” Come and see how she drives the car to church and the fans she gets. Aware pa diɛ wo nya oo” Peter came to look at my face. I lowered my head and it was the last time anyone said something. When Peter went to bed I went to see my mother. I was calm and patient. “Mom, what was that for? My husband knows about Chris so why bring him up in our conversations like this?” She responded, “He’s also a man. When his wife drives a car he had bought with his own money, would he die? That’s my point. What has he done for you lately?”
What she said didn’t get me angry but the explanation. I still spoke to her like a daughter will do to a mother, “Don’t say things like that in his presence. You can say it in my presence but not him. He’s a man. He might not talk about it but he will think about it. Please stop. I had to spend the rest of the night apologizing to my husband. He said, “Don’t worry. My mind even wasn’t there when she talked.”
Last time at my grandfather’s funeral, she came up with Chris’ issue again; “Oh I didn’t tell you? Chris and his wife have moved to a new house Chris’ parents gave to them. It’s their wedding gift. I was there. The house is beautiful papa. Ohhh aware pa yɛ ankasa.” You should have seen my husband’s face. When we were going home he asked me, “Do you think there’s something about me your mother doesn’t like?” I told him, “Don’t worry. She won’t even see you again for her to be saying all those things. It hurts her that I didn’t stick with Chris. I’m not bothered by what she will say to me but I won’t let her disrespect you again.”
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During Christmas, I went home alone. She asked, “Where is that your husband?” I told her, “He has traveled.” She said, “He should come and see what a man younger than him is doing for his wife and his wife’s family. You children of today don’t listen to advice. You think life is easy? It’s never easy so you have to graze toward where the grass is greener and softer.” I challenged her that day and it turned into an exchange of words. She screamed, “You’ve regretted not marrying Chris. Is written all over your face but you won’t admit it. This man that you’re with, what has he done for you? Are you better than the woman Chris married? If Chris was abusive, then why did that girl marry him? You’ll regret this for the rest of your life.” I told her, “You didn’t marry a rich man. You’re not dead. I didn’t marry one. I won’t die too so leave it right there.”
Since then the relationship between me and my mom has gone bad. She doesn’t call me. When I call, she gives me an attitude. She’s always in a hurry to hang up. It doesn’t bother me. It’s my life we are talking about here. I’m happy with Peter. He has a job that feeds us. We pay our rent in time and we can afford food. What is there not to be grateful for? But my mother doesn’t want to see it that way. She brings up the past just to destabilize my present. I’m not giving her that mileage and now I’m her enemy. I’ll keep drawing to her but if she continues pushing me away with her attitude, I will stay off. I won’t call again and I won’t push for her to call me. I’m her daughter no matter what but I won’t sit there for her to destroy what I’m trying to build with my hands.
–Georgina
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