My brother-in-law lives with us. He’s here on a project so he decided to stay with us. From our place to where the project site is not that long so staying with us gives him an advantage. He’s the senior brother of my wife, my age mate so we’ve struck some sort of friendship that ensures good living and communication between us in this house. He’s been here for over six months. We never fought. We never quarreled. He does what he can to ensure the smooth running of the house.
He’s a married man with two kids but he came here and got himself a girlfriend. I was the first person he confided in. I told him, “It’s better you hide it. I can’t pretend to be alright if you bring the lady to the house. How will your sister feel? How will your wife also feel if she gets to know that you have a girlfriend and we are aware of it? To avoid all those awkward situations, please hide it from us. If we don’t see it, we can’t feel bad about it.” He responded, “My sister wouldn’t say anything about it. She already knows me. She knows what I’m capable of so she won’t be surprised. If you’re ok with it, then let’s forget about my sister.”
I didn’t say I was ok with it but he took my lenient answer to mean that I was ok with what he told me. Maybe I wasn’t firm enough in my assertion or he read weakness in the way I spoke to him. He started bringing the lady into the house deep in the night when everyone was sleeping. I’m a light sleeper. Just a passing shadow can wake me up. Each night when they enter the house, I hear about them. The sound of their footsteps is different. He walks softly but the lady’s footstep clicks and makes wild noise. They would speak in whispers but I still will hear them going in. My wife didn’t know what was going on but I was worried about the kind of image we are creating for ourselves. One night I woke my wife up and told her what was going on.
“You mean he brings the woman in here while we are asleep? “
“Yes. Almost every night.”
One day my brother-in-law confronted me. He was angry about something. He said, “Must you tell my sister about it? I thought you knew the bro code. Why would you do that?” I said, “I thought you said she won’t be bothered? So why are you worried that she knows about it?” He answered, “Women can’t be trusted when it comes to issues like these, that’s why I didn’t want her in on this one.” “Then stop bringing her here,” I said. “This is a family home. We can’t entertain a stranger here, especially when she’s not your wife.”
He didn’t stop. He rather stopped bringing her to the house late at night. He brought her in the afternoons and in the evenings. Somehow, my wife couldn’t say much about it. I was the one who was constantly worried. I told my wife; “No we can’t allow him to do that in our presence. Do you think I can look at his wife’s face and smile after knowing all this? No, I’m not such a hypocrite. My conscience is not that weak. Talk to him. Let him stop or tell him to get his own place where she can take his girlfriend to.” My wife told me, “It hasn’t gotten to that. Let’s exercise patience. I’ll talk to him myself.”
One Saturday afternoon, I came home with my wife and saw the lady in the kitchen cooking, while my brother-in-law was in the hall watching TV. What annoyed me most was what the girl was wearing. My brother-in-law looked at my face with a smile. I didn’t smile back. I went straight into the bedroom and my wife followed. I told her, “Please tell him to take the Girl out of the kitchen and out of the house before things go bad between us.” My wife went out. I don’t know what they discussed. She came back to tell me, “I’ve spoken to him. The lady will be leaving soon.” One hour later, the lady was still in the kitchen, wearing that skimpy shorts and moving around the house as if she owns the place. I went there. I spoke softly, “Dear, we need our kitchen. Can you round up and leave?” She said, “I’m cooking for the house. Wifee doesn’t need to cook.” I said, “Just leave. We won’t eat what you’re cooking.”
My brother-in-law rushed into the kitchen asking me why I’m pushing the lady out of the kitchen. I told him we needed our kitchen. He got angry. “Is she going to spend forever in the kitchen? Must you let my visitor know that you own the place? Do you know what I own where I live? What sort of bad human relation is that?” His words didn’t bother me. All I wanted was to see the lady out of the house with her skimpy shorts. I succeeded. She walked out angrily. Her rice was still on fire. Her stew was yet to be well cooked. I didn’t care. I stood there until the lady left the house.
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By this time my wife was sitting next to her brother and calming him down. He got up, pointed his finger at me, and said, “You’re here playing holier than thou in the presence of your wife. Can you swear with a deity that you haven’t cheated on your wife before? Are you a saint? Or is it because I’m living in your house? It’s my wife your sister? Do you think you love my wife more than I do? What sort of macho flexing is that? All because I’m in your house?”
I thought he was going to pack and leave the following day. He didn’t. He still lives with us but doesn’t talk to me. We pass by each other every day without saying a word to each other. No, we don’t fight but we don’t smile at each other. It’s affecting my wife. She’s always playing the middle woman, trying to keep her brother happy while trying to keep me stable. I don’t like the feeling in the house currently. I want him to leave our house and leave as soon as possible. My wife thinks I’m creating enmity between her and her brother. I don’t think that’s the case. She insists I should allow him to live with us but I want him out.
Am I being too hard on him? Does it sound like I’m killing an ant with a sledgehammer?
Please advice. If that’s the case, I will stay quiet and watch him live with us until the project he’s supervising is over.
–Flex
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Flex, you are absolutely right. You can’t move into someone’s house and do what YOU like, and make him uncomfortable, no. He is inconsiderate and self-centered. I pity his wife.
Naw Man..
You did the right thing. You your wife Bro in law & sister in law & the children y’all have amongst the two households are family not some side piece.
You demanded respect, tensions might be tight. You got your earned respect.
That is your house. Wife needs to back you 100%.
I can’t tell you how to handle this, but if it were me. I would tell my wife she tells him he better show you respect as the man of the house or he needs to pack it up and go.
If she won’t then you do.
He needs to act accordingly or move.
Good Luck
Boss man , you did the right thing . Ask your wife ,if she would have been happy if you did to her , unless that is you have cheated before .
Paapa, your are so right that’s a good point how would she feel if the shoe were on the other foot? Why is she so willing to accommodate her brother in such Tom Foolery? What is HER views on infidelity or on integrity period? As I stated in my comment I’ve been here & done this and over 2 decades later I STILL do not trust or interact with my ex-inlaws over my ex’s indiscretion that involved meeting up with the side chic at his mother’s house. I actually cross paths with her a few times and was lead to believe she was friend of his aunt’s or some relatives. My children are adults now and have learned through the grapevine at my ex inlaws homes why we’re divorced all the details should not have been revealed to my children but as I stated affairs NEVER stay hidden and my ex’s affair resurfaced years later and caused my children anger towards him. The oldest two seem to have noticed I NEVER discussed it or spoke on it and while I am distant I have never displayed my disdain for any of those involved in the presence of my children. So the oldest two seem fine now with their dad & the rest of the family if they do harbor any resentment they have never voiced it to me. My youngest however feels because there is such an age difference between them his older siblings experienced who their dad and his side of the family were on a deeper level & cultivated memories & a stronger bonds than he had a chance to because the affair started during my pregnancy with him which lead to me of course leaving my ex and being distant with my ex inlaws until my son was a little older. Now that my youngest has a child of his own he has animosity towards his father he says because he felt like a “latchkey” kid only seeing his dad monthly & on holidays. The older kids were college age by then. He feels his actions were selfish and divided the family to a point where is siblings have memories of a two parent household and his experience was being raised by a single mom and only visitations with his dad but had never lived with his dad or knew what having 2 parents at home was like. In his teens he decided to stay with his father to get closer. It lasted about a summer he moved back home mad at his father stating at 16 “that man will never change he is a liar and a cheater. My stepmom is pregnant and he’s cheating he just has ZERO penis control”. My son is an adult with a family of his own now he says it bothers him that when things are bad at home he doesn’t fall into temptation because he knows how unfair it would be to his child and can’t get why his father didn’t put being a father to him or his half sister years later over his own selfish needs. He barely speaks to the man and I had to ask him to allow him to see his first granddaughter (we already had 5 grandsons between the 1st 2 children). My son felt his dad was not a good influence to be around his daughter. He lived in the man’s house witnessed his stepmom experience the SAME thing that lead to me leaving him. There are TOO many casualties to such affairs.
There is nothing messier than an affair in-laws get mixed up in the middle of. Your brother-in-law is a narcissistic sociopath and your wife is enabling him. What kind of man challenges another man about his fidelity in front of his wife to justify his behavior. The brother-in-law is treating your HOME like a speedy, tawdry motel. Affairs NEVER stay hidden & when it does come out it will create tension for you and your wife with HIS wife. I pray there are no children on either side because a damaged relationship between the adults could ruin the children who are 1st cousins bond! I have past experience in such a matter. When I learned of the affair I remembered seeing the woman at my mother-in-law’s house a few times. EVERYONE knew but me. I didn’t trust them either afterwards. Since then my brothers know not bring ANY outside mess around me not toy house or in my presence. Not judging just unwilling to be a co-conspiriter to ANYONE’s extramarital affair. And furthermore NO ONE is gonna live in MY house & not speak to me. I STILL floored over the woman parading around in your kitchen in skimpy attire preparing dinner like she owns the place. She may not know he is married and be that as it may you are NOT wrong and wife should support you on this and have her brother move out immediately! Best of luck to you AND this messy man’s poor wife!
Isn’t he ashamed of himself staying a whole 6 month with married couple?
And your wife too keeps on pampering his faulty brother.
You are right, it’s time for him to move as well. What’s up with your wife? You should never compromise your integrity for a selfish to pompous person. Take back control of your home.
This is the worst child like teenager display of selfishness. It’s your and your wife’s home right? Why are you both putting up with this self entitled by example of a husband. Then as a brother and a brother in law. My words to him would be hit the road jack. You and your wife set the atmosphere in your home and if you want that kind of self serveing spirit in your home then open the door wide for him to rule in your home. This is upsetting on every level.
You absolutely did the right thing. You need to have a serious discussion with your wife as to why she won’t stand up to her brother and show some morals to her children. If she has a son, does she want him learning how to treat a woman by his uncle’s horrible behavior and his mother’s laxadaisacal response to it? It seems possible that brother and sister share the same morals.