I don’t even know who will judge me after reading this, but at this point I just need advice before I lose my mind.
For the past seven months I’ve been dating a married man, Johnson. Yes, I know. I’m not proud of it. But at that time, he treated me better than any single man ever had. He supported me, cared for me, and made me feel seen. I convinced myself his marriage was already broken, and I was just the woman who gave him peace.
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Everything was fine until one afternoon he introduced me to his half-brother, Ben. It was a casual meet-up, nothing serious. Johnson only said, “This is my good friend, Efia.” And that was all.
But the way Ben’s eyes followed me that day, I should have known something was coming. Later that evening, Ben asked for my number “so we can all link up sometime.” I didn’t think too much about it. But the next morning, he called. Then he texted. Then he started checking on me every day. Before I realized, he was asking me out on dates. I panicked. I told Johnson everything, expecting him to be angry or at least warn his brother. But all he said was, “You’re an adult. You decide.”
Something broke inside me that day. Meanwhile, Ben kept showing me the kind of attention I had secretly wished Johnson would. He was open, intentional, emotionally available, everything Johnson wasn’t. The only issue was that Johnson was the one I was already involved with.
Then Ben travelled back abroad. I thought the distance would make him forget about me. But no.
Three days after he left, he video-called me and confessed everything. He said he had fallen in love with me from the very first day. He said I was the kind of woman he wanted as a wife. And to make it worse, he has even spoken to Johnson, his own brother about his feelings for me and asked Johnson to support him to “win” me.
When Johnson told me this, he still didn’t seem bothered. He just repeated, “Choose what you want.”
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Now I’m sitting here confused. I know dating a married man is wrong. I know Johnson will never leave his wife for me. Ben feels like the better option. He’s single, he’s serious, he’s intentional, and he wants a future with me. But then again, he’s Johnson’s brother. What if he later finds out the full truth about me and Johnson? My life is turning into a Mexican telenovela.
Please, what should I do? Should I let go of Johnson and give Ben a chance? Or walk away from both brothers entirely?
I really need advice.
—Efia
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If you so much want Ben, then I think you should let him know the relationship between you and Johnson. Or it will bite back hard at you if you keep it from him(Ben). Again you can let them both go if you want a fresh start.
Sister Efia, it is heartwarming that you know what you are still involved in (because you did not indicate that you have ended your affair with the married man; happy or not) is wrong. Hence, judgement will not be necessary.
What you seek is counsel, so here it goes;
1. End the affair with this Johnson. It is clearly in both of your interests that you do.
In that, he would not have ‘given’ you the choice of deciding on/with another man, who happens to be his brother as well. You may label it as him being “trusting” or even “liberal”.
2. Do not marry or date Ben.
It will be unfair to him (he might not know or never find out about your affair with his brother, but you will always know).
Will you be able to truly look at Johnson as simply a brother-in-law, should you marry Ben?
Will you be able to look at Johnson’s wife only as a sister-in-law?
3. Take the time to heal/get over this phase of your life, then reevaluate your life and the next steps ahead.
You know what you wanted at the time Johnson appeared to be all that you desired at the time you met him.
The very best is what I pray for you. May God lead you to proper restoration in forgiveness and newness of life.
If you know what’s good for you, you would abandon both brothers immediately. Do what will please God! That’s my advice.
Leave the two and come clean with Ben
Let the God give you your husband soon
Don’t Marry Ben has because once you marry him, it’s still possible to have feelings for Johnson again. At the end of the day they are both gonna have sex with you. Go and have a neutral person that’s gonna love you genuinely.