This is not the way I planned my life to turn out. When I said I wanted to get married and raise kids in a happy and peaceful home, I meant I wanted it all. So how did I end up with only half of the deal? I know they say half a loaf is better than none, but in my case, I wonder if I would have been better off with nothing. But then again, it would mean I won’t have my beautiful daughter. She is the best thing that has happened to me so far. So I wouldn’t rather have nothing, although I am not raising her the way I dreamed I would raise my kids.

I always envisioned marrying a loving and devoted husband. Someone who would treat me like a queen while I treat him like a king. The goal was to raise our own royal babies. Every beautiful thing they would learn about love, they should learn by watching their parents love each other. “If I have a daughter, I want her to learn how a man should treat her by watching how her father dotes on me. And my sons would learn how to behave like gentlemen,” I often told myself.

This is why I was careful when I was dating. The moment I sense too much aggression in a man, I take a step back. If I am getting to know someone and they verbally abuse me in the heat of anger, I just withdraw from them. It was Karl who stayed. He was a sweet and gentle soul. I never saw any violent display of emotions even in his dealings with people who provoked him. He was well-tempered. That’s what I like in a man. Someone who is ready to talk through differences and not one who would resort to tantrums and violence to make himself understood.

I married him knowing that I had gotten my dream man. And truly, he was the perfect husband for the first two years of the marriage. Everyone talked about how the honeymoon phase of the marriage doesn’t last beyond a few months. Mine lasted for two whole years. I am exaggerating when I say our home was full of laughter, peace, and love. If you didn’t know us and you saw us in town you would know instantly that we were lovers. I was so sure that we were going to go on like that.

It’s been nine years now of marriage and things have taken a drastic turn. At first, my husband started changing in little ways. He started finding reasons not to be at home as much as he used to. He always had somewhere to be or something to do in town. Just because we are married doesn’t mean he shouldn’t have a social life, right? So I didn’t think much of it at first. I only became concerned when he started growing distant. He was physically present at home but emotionally, he wasn’t.

He also started withholding money. It’s not as if I don’t have a job, I do. I don’t earn much but I support the household with my little. That’s why it was noticeable when my husband stopped covering the costs of certain expenses. It was as if he had an added responsibility I was not aware of. I started putting things together and realized he was cheating on me. When I confronted him he got angry and insulted me. I was shocked. This was not the man I married.

A part of me held out hope that he would change back into the way he used to be. But as the years passed, things got worse. He wouldn’t care if our child was watching us, he would insult me miserably in front of her. Sometimes he would hit me at the least provocation. He says I am of no use to him. That’s his favourite insult for me. Useless woman.

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There was a time when he didn’t touch me for two years. It’s not as if I am ugly, or smell bad. I keep myself clean at all times. I even tried to initiate intimacy several times but he rejected me. It is only when he doesn’t see me as useless that he performs his marital duties. I have heard that insult continuously for so many years that I started believing it.

I am not proud to admit this but there have been times when I attempted to take my life because I felt absolutely useless. I was so sure that nothing good would come out of me. I wanted to die and leave my daughter motherless because I was convinced she was better off without me. That’s how badly my husband’s abuse has affected my self-worth. By the grace of God none of my attempts to unalive myself worked. And I am thankful that I survived.


I have realised that I am not the problem, my husband is. I am not useless, he is a bully. We’ve been married for nine years and the good part lasted for only two years. The rest has been me enduring his cheating ways. And all forms of abuse; emotional, financial, verbal, and physical. Surely, it will not get better from here. He will never change back into the man I married. This is who he is now, and this person is not good for me. That’s one thing this marriage has taught me. Once it starts going bad, it only continues to become worse. It does not get better.

Ever since I learned this, I have accepted that my marriage is over. In my heart, we are divorced. He also treats me as if I am no longer his wife. We are just skirting around the subject of separation. Nobody wants to take the first step toward the dissolution of the marriage. I am working hard and saving money. The goal is to get in touch with a travel agent once I have enough saved. By the time he realises, I have left the country. He should stay in the marriage alone and continue doing whatever he wants. When I also make something out of my life, he will know that I am not useless.

—Naana

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