My husband and I got married the same year we met. We felt right and there was no need to wait. When we met, I observed he made some bad decisions with money but I kept my opinions to myself. He spent his savings on expensive gadgets and lived in luxury in his father’s house. Sadly, there was a robbery and he lost all the things he spent his money on. I can recall him telling me, “What hurts me most is that the thieves stole my new MacBook and the information I have on it.” A part of me felt if he had invested that money in secure ventures, it would have been safe. At the end of the day, I was glad he survived the robbery without a scratch. I was determined to do everything I could to help him get back on his feet. 

 At the time I was in school pursuing my master’s degree. I had moved out of a family house into a one-bedroom apartment. I was earning enough money to live in comfort and luxury but I decided to invest my money in a building project. I was then halfway through my three-bedroom house. When I was starting out I told myself that, “My parents don’t live in Accra so they don’t own any property here for me to inherit. I owe it to my children to be responsible with my money and make something of myself.” 

This means that my boyfriend and I were complete opposites when it came to managing finances. Everything else between us was good. We had a good connection and the love we shared was deep. The day he took me home to his family they welcomed me with so much love. His dad especially was very happy. He kept saying, “I wish my wife was alive to see this day.” After the visit to his family, I also took him to meet my people. My parents loved him and my mum couldn’t get enough of him. My mum doesn’t talk much but that day she made jokes about his cheeks and head size. 

After he met my family, he asked for the marriage list. My dad told him, “I don’t give a marriage list for my daughters. There’s life after marriage. Do what you can within your means and we’ll support you.” He put together a beautiful traditional marriage and I took care of our honeymoon. After everything, we moved into my one-bedroom apartment just because it was closer to both our workplaces.

 We agreed to wait for a while before having kids but he changed his mind along the way. So I got pregnant. It was during my first trimester that I realized he had anger issues. When he gets angry he says the most hurtful things. Later he becomes remorseful and apologizes but “sorry” doesn’t undo the emotional damages of his words.  I remember when we were making a decision to move to a bigger space because our baby was almost due. My husband thought renting a fancy apartment was the way to go. I proposed, “Why don’t we use that money to complete my building so we wouldn’t have to pay rent anymore?” It was just a suggestion he got angry and said things that broke my spirit. Later he regretted it and came to apologize. Love forgives so I forgave him. 

He told me he discussed our issue with his bosses and they insulted him for not supporting my idea. We had a good laugh about it but I told him; “I don’t think your idea is bad either. I don’t want us to rush the building project so let’s rent a modest space and live there for now.”  Apart from our fight about the apartment, he was with me throughout my pregnancy journey. 

When the baby arrived it was a happy day for all of us. My husband wanted to throw a big party to celebrate the baby’s christening. I didn’t agree with him because I felt it was a waste of money. I suggested we do a simple celebration as a family. The issue was that he wouldn’t be able to fund such a party. I earn three times more than he does so he was expecting me to put in the money. He does that most of the time. He is always looking for fun and celebrations but when it comes to rolling his sleeves and doing the handwork, he makes excuses. When I try to talk to him about it, he insults me. 

His insults cut deep and affected my mental health. Because of this, I suffered a very terrible postpartum depression and I had to seek the help of psychologists. He feels remorseful when he sees how he hurts me but that hasn’t stopped him from doing it again. To make matters worse, he doesn’t put any effort into the work part of our marriage. He gives excuses when we have to make long-term plans but he is quick to jump on the parties, celebrations, and spending money to show off. 

There was a time he had to put some documents together for his master’s degree. He tried to get me to do it for him but I refused. He got angry and insulted me as always. He prefers to spend time on social media following trends and chatting with his female best friend than investing in his growth. Because of his irresponsible attitude towards money, I decided to lock my savings in a long-term investment (bonds) so we can be on equal footing financially. 

When I shared my plan with him, he asked, “Exactly how much money do you have sitting in your account?” I told him “That’s not something I want to disclose to you.” This made him angry so every little thing I do earns me insults. He called me names like “Angry woman” “bitter woman” and so many horrible names. I got tired of it so I called him stupid. He couldn’t sleep for days even when I apologized. Ironically, people can’t even take their own medicine when it’s served to them.

Prior to all these decisions I made, I had asked him to sell his car to build a solid financial statement for himself. I told him he could use my car whiles I join trotro after work. I had sent substantial amounts of money into his account to support us being on equal footing. When he started complaining about his job I went out of my way to get a lawyer to assist him with a permanent residency permit for him in one of the best countries so he could get a better job.

I couldn’t leave my job because I am rising through the ranks and I’m almost at the top. All he had to do was put his documents together and respond to a few emails. This man always came up with excuses; “I am too tired to reply to the email, I’ll do it tomorrow.” He did that until the window closed.” He puts absolutely no effort into anything good that could positively change his life and our lives as a family. 

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If I get tired or for some reason, I am unable to cook, he gets furious and throws tantrums. He does everything to tell me my place is in the kitchen as a woman. I’ve gotten to a point where I feel I’m better off being single. I don’t know exactly what value this marriage is adding to my life. All it does is drain me. I look at my little baby and I feel so disappointed for failing her. My husband doesn’t excite me anymore. I can’t forget the majority of the derogatory words he uses on me and the extent to which he goes to win arguments.

Instead of solving problems, he acts like we are competing over who makes the best case and he would even lie to achieve this. I cried myself to sleep imagining how beautiful our marriage would be if he channelled these efforts into something positive. 

I recently applied for a visa for both of us to go on vacation as part of the annual trips I usually take. This was going to be his first time with me in Europe and he was supposed to meet my family over there too. I know how desperately he wanted to go but I have decided we need time apart so I will be going alone. Maybe I will have time to think things over and come back with a refreshed mind. 

I don’t regret marrying him but I have learned some lessons. I have learned that love is not enough. I learned that it’s important to share similar beliefs and values with your partner before you embark on this marriage journey. 

–Sophia

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