She left Amanda and came for me a year later. It was a bitter break-up they went through. He wanted to leave the relationship because it wasn’t working. Amanda wanted to go on with it though nothing was working. She was relying on the family of my husband who was then her boyfriend.

Amanda’s mother is a very good friend of my mother-in-law. They were in school together until life separated them at some point. When Amanda completed the university and was posted to Accra for her national service, she came to live with my mother-in-law and it was during those days that Amanda connected with my husband and started dating.

Because of the history that existed between my mother-in-law and Amanda’s mother, I think the two of them pushed the relationship to its limit, hoping and praying that it would end in marriage but according to my husband, they couldn’t get to the finish line because there were a lot of issues they couldn’t deal with or even tell anyone about.

There were issues of infidelity so trust was broken. They were fighting to exist. Amanda relied heavily on my mother-in-law and my husband’s sisters to bring them together but my husband’s heart was already made up. They broke up after some time but remained friends. A year after their breakup, I came into the picture. I asked him, “So why didn’t you tell your parents about the infidelity? Maybe they would have been on your side and let Amanda go.” He responded, “That wasn’t the goal. I felt it would affect the relationships between our parents. And even if I told them what happened, I don’t think it would have changed a lot. Amanda has lived with us so they knew her on a personal level before our relationship happened.”

I met him in a very bad shape but the good thing was, he opened up to me right from the start so I knew what his problem was. He drove my male friends away. He asked me to choose between him and them. When someone came close to me and he didn’t like it, he drove the person away. It could even be a woman. He didn’t mind. He wanted to occupy the pinnacle of my life so I surrendered my whole life to him. I did it willingly because I knew his heart was bruised and was bleeding. When he had trust issues with me, I knew it wasn’t about me but from his past relationship. I was patient and transparent, did everything for him to see I had a clean heart and would not cheat on him the way his ex did.

We dated for two years before we got married. His mother didn’t have any problem with me though at a certain point, I felt his sisters were cold towards me. During our wedding, they were all there. And guess what, Amanda was there too. I wasn’t angry. I wasn’t angry when I found them talking or when I found them together. I trusted my husband enough to know that nothing of that sort would happen.

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A year after we got married, Amanda also got married. She has three kids now while I have two kids with my husband but Amanda doesn’t seem to go away. She has always been there in places I didn’t expect her to be and it’s giving me headaches.

Whenever there’s an event at my husband’s house, she will get the first invitation while no one talks to me about it. I get to attend these events because of my husband. And when both of us are around, the family ignores me and plays it cool with Amanda. They even choose her children over mine. At my sister-in-law’s wedding, Amanda was the chief organizer. They engaged her in everything while they ignored me.

It gets to me sometimes. I’ve complained about it to my husband. He thinks it’s not a big deal. I’ve complained about the way Amanda acts around my husband when she sees me around him. She would be all over him giving him attention and trying to create the impression that my husband still loves her than he does me. Deep in my heart, I know nothing is going on but it looks like she wins at any given time when my husband’s family is involved.

Recently, I had to unfollow all my husband’s family on Facebook because they were annoying me.

After an event, they would post all the photos on Facebook but wouldn’t post a single one that my face showed. When I comment, they would pass my comment by and rather engaged with Amanda’s comments. Immediately my husband enters the fray, Amanda hops on him and the whole family makes the comment section about Amanda and my husband as if I don’t exist. They even post a picture of both of them just to set up a conversation about their past.

I tell myself I would ignore them. I tell myself they don’t affect my marriage in any way so they are not important but behind the scenes, at the back of my mind, it hurts me. So recently I told my husband, “I will have nothing to do with your family again because, from all indications, they see Amanda in a better light than they see me. And when there’s any event in your house, please go alone. I will stay behind with the kids. I’m not angry. I just want to be away from the drama.”

He thinks I’m overreacting. He accuses me of paying attention to what’s not important. It’s important to me the way his family treats me so I put him on the spot and flipped the table before him, “If I take you home and they treat my ex better than they treat you, would you be comfortable? Would you go back again and again pretending all is well?”

I Didn’t Tell Anybody Because I Enjoyed It

He couldn’t give me an answer. His inability to give me an answer it’s an answer in itself. I will stick to what I’ve decided just to keep my sanity in check and also my mental health. Do you think I’m blowing things out of proportion? It happens whenever we go back home. It’s hard to pretend it doesn’t hurt. It does and It disorients me more than any other thing.

—Abi  

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