Right after the National service, I got pregnant. It wasn’t planned. It was so out of the blue that Collins, my boyfriend then thought I was lying to him. He asked, “But you took medicine after everything?” I said, “I did. You were there when I swallowed it.” He asked, “So what happened?” I said, “I still got pregnant.” He said, “No this can’t be true. Check again.” I spent the night with him. Early the next morning, I did the test with the first urinal that came out. The two stripes lighted up in all their red glory. He said, “That can’t be true.” I said, “You’re looking at it right in front of you so why can’t it be true?” Then he asked the question I knew he was going to ask, “What are we going to do?” I didn’t think twice about it. I said, “I’m pregnant. What do pregnant women do? They give birth, right? I’m going to give birth.”

He started singing the canticles of the worried boyfriend; “Why do you want to give birth? Are you prepared? Do you have a job? Why do you want to bring a child into this world and watch it suffer because of ill-preparation? We can’t have the child. I’m not ready.” I said, ”One day you’ll be ready. He/she will still be your child so don’t worry.” He got angry as I expected. He didn’t pick my calls for days, as I expected. Later when he called he asked, “Have you made up your mind yet?” I said, “I made up my mind the very first day we talked about it so what mind make up are you talking about again?” He said, “Count me out of it. I don’t know anything about the pregnancy.” I said, “So be it.”

The news about the pregnancy made my parents angry, especially my father. Days later, my dad walked into my bedroom early one morning and asked, “What is the child’s father saying?” I said, “He said he can’t have it.” He asked me, “I guess he’s as jobless as you are.” I said, “Yeah, we both completed national service together.” He said, “Shame on you for getting pregnant with an idiot. I thought you knew better.” I didn’t argue. He was right. That boy was an idiot. He’s still is. 

Five years later, I’m working and doing fine with my little girl by my side. I met a lot of men who backed out immediately I told them I had a daughter. Those who wanted to stick around regardless of my child didn’t have our future in mind. They just wanted to be with me so later they can bounce off and go for a woman without a child. I saw through them early. I didn’t give them the chance to waste my time. I’d rather be alone with my child than entertain people who couldn’t afford to have me and my daughter together. We are a package. Two peas in a pod story. The torchlight and the battery affair. 

For a long time, I was alone and enjoying my life until one day a man walked up to me and said hello. It was Christmas and we had closed from church. He said, “When you were entering the church I said hello but you didn’t look my way.” I said, “Oh sorry about that. I was too late my mind was all over the place.” He mentioned his name and asked about mine. He looked new to the church. Ours wasn’t a megachurch that you walk in and get lost. It’s a small church that everyone knew everyone. The kind of church your pew remains empty when you don’t go to church. I asked him, “Are you a new member?” He said, “I’m a distant member. I was born in this church. My mom and dad lived all their lives in this church until their passing days. Whenever I’m in town. I worship here.”

My daughter pulled my hand and said, “Mommy let’s go home.” He looked down at her and said, “Oh don’t do that. Allow me to talk to your mom for a few minutes ok?” We stood at the church entrance for close to fifteen minutes, talking and asking each other questions. He said, “I’ve been seeing you around since I came here. I think I like you. Do you mind if we become friends?” I said, “Not at all.” So we exchanged numbers and continued the conversation from there. 

One day after church, I followed him to his house. Not long afterward, I opened my doors for him to also visit. He had the right age. He had the right sense of humor and was considerate in the ways he treated me. I asked him, ”What’s your story?”

He had lived in the UK for about twenty years. Got married, had three kids, and became a widower when his wife died of cancer. “Since then, my life had never been the same. She was the pillar of my life. A Jamaican who lived her life like a Ghanaian after we got married.” I asked him, “So where are your kids now?” He said, “They are living with their grandparents in Jamaica.” Our friendship flew on the wings of what we had in common; kids. It didn’t take a very long time until he proposed. I love him. I really did so I said yes.

We dated distantly for two years and later got married. A year after marriage, he came for me. I had to leave my daughter with my parents until conditions are right for her to join us. I’ve been living with him for the past three years and we still don’t have a child. I asked him, ”Are we doing something wrong?” He said, “I’m even amazed. Looking at how hard we’ve been working towards it, we should have a child by now.” We kept trying, visiting hospitals, looking for a remedy. When I came back to Ghana for a visit, I remember my mother boiling herbs and other drugs for me to take. She said, “When you get back to your husband, it will be one touch. You’ll call me and give me your testimony.”

I went back, had a lot of action but nothing happened. On our third wedding anniversary, this man took me on a trip I was dying for. I was happy. I felt lucky. I thanked my God for bringing him my way. I said, “I wished I could give him a child to make this marriage complete.” It was a week’s trip. On the third day, he said, “I have a confession to make. I hope and pray you forgive me because that’s all I will need after the confession.” I sat stiff. I looked into his eyes. I said, “Go on.” I knew for sure that my happiness was about to be shattered. “I have a confession to make…” almost always doesn’t end well. 

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He said, “When my wife’s health was deteriorating, we didn’t want to add pregnancy to her numerous problems so I had a vasectomy.” My system shut down immediately. I died for a minute. I wasn’t listening again. All I heard was, “Are you here with me?” I said, “Please take it back. What did you just say?” He said, “Yeah you heard me right.” “And it took you five good years to tell me? You’re heartless. Please take me home.” He tried all he could to make us stay but I said, “No, take me home. You didn’t bring me here to make me happy. Take me home.”

For days I couldn’t sleep. He kept apologizing. I asked, ”But why would you do that?” He said, “You already have a daughter so I thought it wouldn’t be a problem?” I said, “You knew it wouldn’t be a problem so why didn’t you tell me?” He said, “Forgive me. It’s my mistake and I take full responsibility for that.”  I said, “It’s over. I will go back home and live my life like this never happened. If you can lie about this, I wonder what else you’ve lied about.” He said, “I can swear on my parents’ grave, this is all about it. There’s nothing more.” I said, “Good for your parents’ grave but I’m out. You’re very selfish and a dangerous human being. You watched me go through emotional pains, visit hospitals, go to Ghana, tasting concoctions. Meanwhile, you had the answer. What kind of wickedness is that?”

Currently, we are both in Ghana. I’ve decided to stay here and begin life again. I don’t see myself living through that lie. It would be difficult for me. I want kids. If the man I marry doesn’t want kids, at least he should be bold enough to bring the discussion to the table so the two of us will know what we are going in for right from the beginning. This one didn’t do that. He’s also not ready to give me a divorce, asking me to change my mind so I can live for what he wants and not what I want. 

Am I wrong in any way? I have a child so it should be Ok for me to marry a man who doesn’t want to have a child and yet wasn’t truthful about it? Am I making a mistake for asking for a divorce? Please advice.  

– Ophelia

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