He looked exactly like the man I have to marry, Joseph. He wasn’t as tall as I wanted him to be but he was tall in kindness and very tall in wisdom. When he said he loved me I only nodded. He didn’t understand me. He had probably proposed to many women in his life and none of them responded to his proposal with a nod so he was confused. He asked me, “Is that the answer?” I nodded again. “Is that all?” He asked me. I looked into his face and asked him, “Are you expecting something different? Yes, I’ve accepted your proposal. Let’s do this.”

A year later he completed school and left the university. I called him every day telling him how much I’d missed him. Everyone around me had someone they loved and those they loved were very closer to them. I couldn’t bear it so I started complaining, “You’ve left me here all alone and you don’t even care to visit me. If you don’t love me again, please let me know so I can move on with my life. Who leaves the woman he loves on campus without looking back? Knowing very well that there are a lot of temptations around here. Huh?” He said calmly, “But Nancy, it was only last week that I left you on campus?” I screamed, “And so what?”

The next day he was there. We talked and joked and gossiped. I felt my life was whole again. I was looking at his face. Eyeball to eyeball and thinking to myself, “What did I do to deserve this kind of man?” He sees I’m thinking about something. He asked me, “What are you thinking of?” I said, “I’m thinking of getting a new boyfriend if I don’t see you again for over a week.” He laughed. I told him, “Keep laughing but don’t come here a week later to beg me to take you back because I won’t listen.” He made a promise. He said, “I will be here often, trust me but when you also get the time, come home on some weekends. It works that way too.”

The following weekend I was in his house. The weekend after, I was there again. I was there every weekend until he told me, “It’s ok. Just stay in school. I will be there on weekends myself.”

We were young. Love feels different when you’re young. The responsibility that comes with loving someone is always less when you’re young. You don’t pay bills. You don’t pay rent. You don’t wake up to the sound of crying babies and you don’t get a call from your kid’s teacher telling you that your son beat someone else’s son in school today. All there’s to your existence is to love each other and rely on each other as though the world revolves around only you two.

After his service, he got a very good job. The job kept him busy. He couldn’t visit often as he used to but I could understand him. I was also getting ready to complete school so I got busier. I thought of him less but I didn’t love him any less. We’ll talk on the phone often. He texted when he had the time and he sent a gift when he ought to. 

I completed school and couldn’t wait to go home and pick up the love I’d left because of school. I got home on a Thursday. I saw him on a Friday. I was in his room breathing the air around him when he told me, “I’m traveling. School is calling me again and I need to respond.” I asked, “Traveling to where?” He said, “To Germany. Master’s.” He spoke telegraph language. No conjunctions. “Why are you always in a hurry to leave me? You’ve been away for two years. I just got the chance to be closer and you’re leaving again. Who does that?” 

I knew I couldn’t change anything. It was once in a lifetime opportunity and he had to grab it. I was happy for him to be honest but I would have been happier if the two of us were together all the time.

He traveled to Germany. Distance relationship isn’t an easy thing to keep going. It takes a lot of strength and creativity to be able to keep it going but we were doing our best. He sent me photos and he told me about his days. He complained about the language barrier and complained about the weather. He made new friends. He told me about them. I said, “You can make new friends but you can’t make new love. That position is already filled and you know who is filling that—moi.” 

A year later, I completed my national service. A year and a half after my national service, I had a job with one of the international banks in Ghana. It was a dream come through. I called him on the phone and we celebrated it. He said, “You’re a big girl now. I can’t believe the small girl I found five years ago is now a woman.” The sound of the five years in his statement brought a certain kind of feeling to my heart. “We’ve done this for five years already?” I asked. “When are you coming home? We need to sit down and plan for our future. Time is going.” He said, “Soon I will be home. We’ll get married and put finality to this love journey we’ve been traveling.”

He was in Ghana in May 2016. In November 2016 we got married and moved in together. He didn’t have a job then but a man like Joseph, with his kind of certificate had no reason to be scared of staying unemployed. Three months after marriage, he had a job. He did the job for seven months and quit. I saw it coming. He complained about the working environment and complained of being underpaid. He complained about everything, including the food they sell at the cafeteria. I told him, “Look for a job. Get a job you’ll be proud of and quit this one.” He didn’t listen. He quit the job and came to stay in the house.

It didn’t bother me because a man like Joseph always knew what he was doing. Months later, he got another job. He did the work for three months and resigned. His reason? He didn’t see a clear career path that would lead to career growth. “Joseph, you don’t just leave a job like that? You get a new one before you leave.” He said, “I can’t sacrifice my happiness for a job I don’t like. It’s a big world. If you don’t move, you’ll always stay at one position.” 

He got another job months later. I begged him, “Jo, please let this work. Whatever the situation, try and adjust. There’s no perfect condition anywhere.” He nodded. He winked at me. “I will be a good boy, trust me.” 

Six months later, he was in the house watching TV while I was dressing up for work. He had resigned from that one too. I stopped complaining about his work. I believed he was old enough to know what was good for him. Months later he told me, “I’ve had a job offer in Germany. I think I will take it.” He had accepted the offer without discussing it with me. Nothing I said changed his mind. Nothing I said made sense to him. He enjoyed leaving me so he packed and left one dawn. 

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All my life, I’ve never fancied leaving apart with my husband. I’d wanted to be like the two peas in a pod with my husband but the man I married doesn’t know what it means to settle down. He’s always flying away because he has strength in his wings. He told me, “Come to Germany and let’s live together.” I said, “I have a good job that promises a great career path. How do I leave it here and travel to a place where I have to start everything afresh? What’s the plan for me? Will I get this kind of job when I come around?” He said, “You have to be here and give it a try. It’s a big country. Opportunities come every day.”

He has changed jobs four times since he traveled to Germany. At a certain point, I was the one sending him money from Ghana. How do I trust such a man with my career? Traveling there isn’t the problem but there are too many uncertainties. The what-ifs are what scare me. What if I get there and he stops working? Who will take care of us? The fact that I have to go there and depend on him gives me shivers. It’s a new country with a different language. It will take me a while to settle. I can’t take that risk while depending on a man like Joseph.

Our marriage is suffering because we live apart. He has no intention of coming back to Ghana. I have no intention of settling in Germany because of my doubts. We can’t run our marriage electronically. There should be a better way to marry than this. Honestly, I’ve thought of divorce but I want to believe there’s a better way out of this situation. What do I do? Please advise. 

–Nancy 

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