I’m slowly becoming emotionally strained because of the kind of husband I have. He’s a man who doesn’t show much interest in intimacy. To be honest, I wouldn’t say he changed. He has always been like this, even before I moved in with him. Sex is always the last thing on his mind. It doesn’t happen unless I initiate it.

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At first, I didn’t mind being the seductress. I wore sexy lingerie and made sure I smelled delicious. It was fun. That was when we were new lovers. Now I am starting to feel deeply frustrated and unwanted.

I’ve tried talking to him about my feelings. Each time he told me, “I understand how you feel. I will make some changes soon.”

I don’t know when that “soon” will happen. Nothing has changed as I share this story.

At some point, I started suspecting he was getting it somewhere else. Maybe there was another woman involved or he was playing for the other team. I even embarked on an investigation in an attempt to get to the bottom of the problem.

I have monitored his phone closely for two years. So far there’s nothing suspicious going on. He is not out there womanizing or hiding a secret male lover. He is squeaky clean.

I’m not someone with a high libido, but I still feel starved by my husband. Emotionally and physically. “I don’t feel seen or desired,” I have said this to him one too many times but he is still who he is.

Some may say he’s stressed with work, but we both work and share the bills equally. I don’t stress him in any way. His excuse is usually that he’s tired from office and community work. But even on days when he’s not working, things are the same. He comes to bed around 1 or 2 a.m. Left to him alone, the couch would be his bedroom.

For context, he lived with his parents till he was 36. And I started dating him when he was 40. I’m 30 now. We have a one-year-old daughter.

Our marriage is the traditional one. The plan was to have the church wedding just about this time but I haven’t had the strength or courage to make it happen because of everything I’m going through.

I love him, but I’m tired. I even bought a dildo to satisfy myself. But still, I end up feeling angry and resentful that I have a husband who won’t satisfy me. Why should I, a married woman, turn to toys for satisfaction when I live with my husband?

It’s painful but no matter how starved I feel, I can’t entertain thoughts of another man. That’s why I use the toy. I have never cheated, and I am not about to start now because of him. I would rather leave the marriage.

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Yes, I often think of leaving him. It just happens that his family is very loving. This makes me feel terrible when the thought crosses my mind.

So I have just decided to detach from him emotionally and let him be. Once we have baby number two, I will tell him to have the rest of his kids with someone else. He says he wants four.

I Was Fine Until I Was Alone In My Room

I don’t know if I am harming myself by staying or if I should continue this journey with this man whose entire routine is work, sleep, and scrolling through his phone.

Is there any other woman going through this? How are you coping? Please, I need advice. I’ve started to believe this is simply his personality and I’m the problem for not accepting him for who he is.

—Dorothy 

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