I wasn’t in a good place when I met him. I was still dealing with the aftermath of a broken home. That aside, I was coming out of a toxic relationship. He was exactly what I needed just when I needed him. My father after cheating on my mother several times, chose to abandon our family. It was my mother who toiled day and night to take care of me and my siblings. She was doing her best but we faced money problems.

The road was not easy but I made it to the university. It was there that I got into a toxic relationship which did me no good. As soon as that relationship ended, Gandhi came into the picture. Unlike my ex, he had a car. So that scored him points. It also gave me the impression that he had money. What can I say? I was young and naïve.

Things were so bad for me that I usually did not have pocket money for school. Gandhi made sure that was no longer a problem. He took care of me. To be honest, I didn’t love him at first. I just wanted to enjoy the favours I was getting from him.

He was older than me but that didn’t bother me. I always wanted to marry an older man so I knew I could marry him if it came to it. However, I was also sure it wouldn’t come to it. One of the things he kept talking about was his plans to travel abroad. He invested in this plan and did everything possible for it to happen. So I told myself, “He will travel soon so let me enjoy all the goodies before he leaves.”

Over time, his generosity won my heart. He was absolutely not my type but I began to fall in love with him. He had big dreams for his life but unfortunately, things didn’t work out for him. Even his travel plans didn’t come to pass. I was a witness to all his struggles.

As I watched him strive to make something of himself, I felt bad for him. My plan to spend his money and run away no longer held any appeal to me. I felt he had done so much to deserve a genuine shot from me. By the time I came to the realization, I had completed school and started working. My entry-level salary was the same amount he was earning even though he had been working for years. That was when I knew that he didn’t have money.

The knowledge of his poor finances didn’t push me away. As far as I was concerned, we were a team. We got into quite a number of financial setbacks but I was prepared to stick with him. One thing that also stuck with him through the years was his ability to dream big. Gandhi always came up with elaborate plans for the future. It gave me the impression that this man really had a good vision and was definitely going to make it despite our struggles.

After five years of dating, we got married. My mother and my siblings did not support the marriage at first. They said he was not good enough for me. I was surprised because they knew we were dating yet didn’t say anything. I am sure they expected us to break up along the way. When that didn’t happen, they tried to discourage me from marrying him. By that time I was too far gone in the pool of our love.

Nothing they said was enough to convince me to change my mind. I fought very hard to win them over to my side, and they grudgingly gave us their blessings. I understood my family’s objections. Gandhi waited till the time we were trying to get married to tell me he had a child. Even that did not put me off. I thought about everything he did for me and decided not to be ungrateful. The best way I felt I could prove that I appreciated his kindness was to marry him.

I managed to convince my family to take his child in to live with us while we prepared to get married. I was doing all this for love. That aside, I felt indebted to him because he supported me with pocket money while I was in school. I had a scholarship that took care of my school fees. His help made sure I didn’t have to starve through school.

After we got married, things began to get worse. We had to take loans to stay afloat. At a point, I agreed to take over the expenses for running the home while he paid off the loans with his salary. When you are married to a good man, you can’t help but be a supportive wife.

That’s one thing about Gandhi. He is a good person. He is neither a cheater nor an abusive partner. He tries his best, that much I must admit. I know he has potential. But it ends there. It’s always potential, dreams, and hopes. He always has the plans but they never materialize.

It got to a time when we couldn’t sustain our means of living so we had to separate. He lives alone somewhere in a single room while I had to pack and go back home with the kids to live with my family. It wasn’t financially feasible to pay rent and live together as a family. The best thing to do for all of us was to separate. We didn’t have any misunderstanding. It was a financially compelled separation. He visited us once in a while.

Do you recall his plans to travel abroad? Well, I got tired and decided to also give it a shot. With just one try, it worked out for me. Now, I am here in a foreign land hustling to bring him over to join me. It’s the least I can do for him.

When it comes to our marriage, I feel like he is all talk and no action. I feel like I have scammed myself. I work in a highly competitive profession but being with this man has set me back years behind. I’m now trying to forge ahead to get where I am supposed to be.

Right now, marriage and playing house don’t appeal to me. I have done it all before and while I am grateful for the experience, I am no longer interested in being that person.

After my father abandoned us, my mum never remarried. She focused on work and took care of us. Things were difficult for a while but eventually, things turned around for her and our family. Apart from my mother’s experience, my own experience after my separation has taught me that I can make it in life without tying myself to a man.

I feel like my husband is a dead weight that I keep dragging around. That’s why I want to help him join me here. I am hoping he will take advantage of the opportunities available to make something out of his life. It’s my way of paying him back for taking care of me while I was in school. Yes, we are still married. But I have fallen out of love with him.

I am worried that when he comes over, I will resent him and it will make us part ways in a messy manner. As he is back home, he is still selling dreams to me. He talks about breakthroughs but not one has happened. When I was leaving Ghana, he was unemployed. I left some bulk money for him so he could send it to my mom to support the kids.

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Our marriage is currently four years old, but I am done. Anytime I see a message from him, it turns me off even more. He is either talking about breakthroughs or business ideas. It gets on my nerves. The only reason I don’t lose it is because I know he is a good man.

He has been doing a few things here and there but it’s only enough to fend for himself. As it stands now, if that breakthrough he is praying for comes today, I will be happy for him. It also means I can go ahead and divorce him without feeling guilty. I believe I have finished paying my dues.

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I didn’t want to be an ungrateful person. The kind we read in all these stories where men support their girlfriends yet still get dumped. I have tried to be the kind of woman who stands by her man but I can’t take it anymore. Staying separate from him really gave me some clarity. I told myself that if I am able to make any significant progress in my life, then indeed he is a deadweight. Now here I am, fighting to get my life together. And I am making progress. So tell me, how do I continue with this marriage?

I am not sharing my story because I am confused and need a solution. I am sharing this story to rant. There is a lot on my chest that I haven’t been able to share with anyone. One of which is the greatest lesson I have learned from this whole experience. It’s simple: Before you embark on any “Dabi dabi ɛbɛyɛyie” (ride or die) journey, make sure you genuinely love the person. Pity love will eventually clear from your eyes. Thanks for the opportunity to rant. I needed this.

—Theresa

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