I am a stay-at-home mum. And my husband compensates me financially for this. He pays me every month and also provides everything we need for the house. I can boldly say that I am doing well financially. What I cannot say is that I am happy. This unhappiness is not a result of my unemployed status, but rather, my problems with my husband. I am the one who started everything, yet I am unable to end it. This is what happened.
The first one and a half years of our marriage were filled with marital bliss. Everything was almost perfect until I got pregnant. The pregnancy altered my personality a little. I was constantly having mood swings and my husband was usually at the receiving end of all my moods. I mostly took out my anger on him, even if he didn’t do anything to make me angry. One day I even told him, “I am no longer interested in this marriage. I want a divorce.” Thankfully, he didn’t mind me. If he did, I wouldn’t have a marriage to speak of.
There was also a time when I packed my things and went to live in my father’s house. “I want to have peace of mind,” that’s what I told everyone. What I forgot is that my husband is human. At some point, he ran out of patience for me and my behavior. That was when everything changed in my marriage. He started going out on Friday and Saturday evenings. At first, he would say, “I am going to get some fresh air.” And then he would go and drink bottles of beer and return home at 11 PM.
I spoke to him several times about it but nothing changed. He rather became worse. He started returning home after 3:00 AM or 4:00 AM. Even when I was in labor, I called him around 9 that I was in pain. This man didn’t come home until 3 in the morning. That was when I knew that his little drinking habit was becoming a big problem in our marriage. I tried to talk him out of it but he responded to all my complaints with anger. Sometimes I remember all the happiness we used to have and it makes me sad that we no longer have it.
Last week I sat him down and we had an in-depth conversation about all the changes going on with our marriage. One of them was the presence of his elder brother in our house. When he brought the man home they told me he would only stay for two weeks. It’s been nine months and he is still living with us. When I asked my husband to let him leave, he refused. I also asked him to either reduce or entirely put a stop to his weekend outings. That one too he refused, “I can’t do what you are asking me to do. You were the one who pushed me to start going out. And I have found peace among my friends. I won’t give that up for anything.”
To prove that his lifestyle is indeed a peaceful one, he took me on one of their outings. He seemed so happy among his friends but I was losing my mind the entire time. I panicked when I lost count of the bottles of beer and shots he consumed in one night. There were people around us smoking shisha and cigarettes. And the kind of music they were playing made me uncomfortable. The whole place was wild. I have been thinking a lot since that night. My husband is turning thirty this July. I believe he is too young to live his life like this. I am afraid that his excessive drinking habits would cause him health problems.
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I admit that I was a bad wife at one point. However, I have come to my senses and changed my ways. I am doing everything possible to maintain peace in our home. So I don’t understand why my husband won’t bring his mind back home. I regret everything I did to push him so far away. I want us to have the beautiful marriage we once had but it seems I am grasping at straws. I discussed my concerns with a friend, and she recommended a spiritualist to me. She said there’s something I can put in his food that will cure him of his alcoholism.
In as much as I want my husband back, I am a child of God. I cannot consult a spiritualist. So I have rather taken my burdens to God in prayer. I am trusting God to touch him and change him. I also reported him to his mother, hoping that he would listen to her. His mother came back to tell me, “My dear I tried to talk to him but he wouldn’t listen. He said he is not a child, and that he knows what is right and wrong. What else can we do?” I didn’t want the old woman to worry too much so I told her to leave everything to me.
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I am acting as if I am in control of the situation but I am not. I want him to have his space but he should reduce the amount of alcohol he drinks, and come home at least by midnight. That’s all I asked him to do, but he told me to my face, “Don’t bother yourself. In the end, I will do what I want.”
I have been crying a lot these days. Our marriage is only three years old but the heaviness I feel in my soul makes it look like I have been stuck in a time loop for three centuries. Apart from his drinking, he is a good man. I love him so much and I would hate for any harm to come to him. I have thought of talking to our marriage counselor about this problem but I am not sure if it’s a good idea. What do you suggest I do?
–Lisa
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Apologise for what you got wrong then appear to do nothing else about his mistakes. Dont try to control him. Don’t give him a curfew, don’t complain when he comes late- if anything be welcoming and sweet when he comes back. However, in the background- if you don’t already attend a bible believing church start. Pray for him, pray, pray, pray! Pray for him to find Christ. Pray for his heart to be turned back home. Pray that you find favor in his eyes and his heart turn away from alcohol and his wayward ways. Only God can change a man. Nagging him will only make you look ugly and boring in his eyes.
Thank God for using ADU to bring peace back to my family once again. I will forever be grateful reach out ASAP solution.temple @ mail. com
Yeah I support ruva. Keep praying and you will see a change. Show him love, respect take him out on date .Do little things that bring happiness to your home such as playing games,cooking together, going to the beach, to church etc. Be like his sister ,a friend. He is finding comfort ,acceptance from his friends. If you become his friend and lover he will see no reason to entertain such negative friends.
Lovely advises here.
Lisa, pls try any of the suggestions here and u are good to go.
You’ve to be your partner’s partner. In other words, your partner’s best friend.
Best of luck.
It is highly unfortunate but that is life.
Whiles you pray which is your Marital duty even if there is no issue, I respectfully suggest that you also carefully plan strategic distractions on his normal weekend schedules such as plan and take him on a romantic dates on Fridays or Saturdays nights. Do not control his alcoholic intake. In fact buy him some to drink and have fun together as a couple and come home together. You can do this once in a month to alert him that, he can still have this fun with his wife without his friends.
Organise your girls girls friends to plan some weekend small drink ups to coincide with his normal outings and take him along. To me, your man is outside there having fun….so go out there and bring him home.
Enjoy outing as a form.of strategy to cajole him.back to the house.
I wish you well, sisssss