When my husband was in the university, he impregnated the girl he was dating then. Things got ugly between them when they were deciding on what to do with the pregnancy. According to my husband, he didn’t want to have a child because he was not ready but the girl insisted they had the child. Through that misunderstanding, the girl got angry and blocked him out of her life. He said he tried his best to get into contact with the girl but she was simply not ready to see him until one day he learned that the girl had traveled outside of the country.

Regardless, he did his best to connect with her so they see the way forward but the girl didn’t give him a chance. Two years later, the girl opened up to him about their child. That was when he got to know that their child was a girl. The relationship between the two of them didn’t work out but the girl once again gave him the chance to be a father to their kid.

He told me this story when we were just a month into our relationship. I had loved him for a very long time so what he said didn’t make any difference. I was happy I knew about it and even encouraged him to find a way to be in the girl’s life. Three years later we got married and started thinking of raising our own family. Our marriage was barely a year old when he told me, “My daughter’s mother called me. There’s bad news.” I asked, “I hope it’s not news about someone dying? He said, “Not at all. It’s about my daughter.” I asked, “What about her?” He said, “Her mom called to tell me that she wants to bring the child to me.” I asked, “Why? What’s her reason?” He said, “She wants the girl to know me, that’s one. She wants to girl to experience our culture, that’s two. And most importantly, she said she’s going through a lot of things that make it very difficult to take proper care of her so the best option was to bring her back home.”

It was a tough situation for me but I was careful not to create the impression that I didn’t want the girl around. When he saw that I was quiet, he said, “To be honest I don’t want her here too. I want to send her to my mother but the fear is her education.” I said, “No problem. Bring her here. After all, she’s my daughter too so we can raise her together.” Even that, he was still pensive about it. He was quiet oftentimes and was acting weird for a long time. I stood by him and encouraged him to bring the girl.

The day the girl was coming, I went with him to the airport. I picked her up and tried to cheer her up. She was very quiet and confused. My husband was quiet too. I could see it was hard for him—meeting his daughter for the first time after eight years. He didn’t talk a lot. He only said, “Welcome, Ava. I’m your father and this here is your new mom. Whatever you want, tell her and she’ll do it for you.” The girl only nodded.

We came home and begun life as a family.

Then the issues started raring their face.

It started from the school she had to attend. I know my husband and knew his finances. He chose a school way beyond his income. I told him, “Can we afford to pay the fees? It’s too much.” He said, “That’s the only befitting school for her. Remember, she’s Obroni so she can’t attend just any school.” After paying her first term fees, my husband had nothing left in his account. If there’s something we needed and I went to him, he’ll tell me, “I don’t have money. Remember I’ve used everything on me to pay fees.” He stopped paying for the things he used to pay for. The burden came on me.

He won’t give me housekeeping money because he doesn’t have money but he’ll come from work with cheeseburgers and other exotic foods to give to his daughter. Because “She’s Obroni and can’t eat our local food.” I said, “This girl is going to live with us for a very long time so for how long will you continue feeding her obroni food?” We’ll be eating fufu and Ava will request something outlandish. Her dad will go out there and get it for her. The only time he doesn’t have money is when I ask for something.

So one evening I told him, “Let’s change Ava’s school.” I didn’t finish my statement when he said, “I’m not changing it. You are not the one paying fees.” I said, “If that’s the case, then you have to pay fees and pay for other things too in the house. I’m not going to pay utilities and also pay for food and other stuff. Ever since this girl came around, our life had been turned upside down. Everything is about her and nothing about me. Maybe you haven’t seen it but I’m telling you. You’ve changed.” He said, “I haven’t changed. You’re the one complaining instead of helping me put Ava in a better place.”

Everything was about Ava.

Three months ago, our rent was due. I told him, “What are we going to do?” He said, “I don’t have money but I will try and raise something so you add something to it.” Guess how much he paid. Our rent is GHC550 and we were supposed to renew for two years. He gave me GHC3000 cedis and asked me to add the rest. I said, “What in the name of hell has gotten into you? How do I raise the rest?” He asked, “You don’t pay fees so what do you use your money for?” We argued. We fought over it for days. He didn’t add anything more. I had to plead with the landlord to accept one-year renewal fees.

I’m tired of complaining but I don’t have a child who is obroni so according to my husband, I lack every reason to complain. Now things have gotten worse. Ava has been with us for a little over a year. She had been sleeping alone until recently she saw a wall gecko entered her room. This girl has abandoned her room and now sleeps in our midst. A nine-year-old girl lies in the middle of our bed. How can we function at night?

From the start, I thought it was temporal. Now every night she comes with her cloth complaining of having nightmares. Last time it was a dragon spitting fire on her bed. The other time he saw a large crocodile swallowing her. She had left her room to pitch tent with us. Her father sees nothing wrong with that, obviously. When I complain he tells me I’m complaining because I’m not the real mother of Ava.

I’m tired. They say marriage is about communication but here, they call my communication nagging or complaining. I don’t know what else I have to say or do for my husband to know that he’s too much invested in his daughter than he’s invested in our marriage. He had said it too often that I’d also come to believe that indeed I’m hating on the girl. Kids are smart. They identify wrong energy quickly and stay out of it.

Now, Ava sees me as the enemy. She won’t let me do anything for her if her father is not around. I will serve her food and she’ll wait for her father before she starts eating. Everything is going wrong in our marriage not because of Ava but because of a man who can’t get his thought straight about what is happening to us. I’m trying but unfortunately, the two of them had formed a gang against my effort, throwing my good intentions to the dogs.

I don’t know how to make changes. I don’t know how to bring my marriage back. I don’t know how to make him see reasons for change. My parents are aware of what I’m going through. They say it’s delicate and have even advised me against bringing my in-laws into the issue. My dad said, “They might think you hate the girl because she’s not your biological daughter.” So where do I go from here? Please tell me.

–Ava’s Mom

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