My husband and I have been married for eight years and we have two beautiful children. In the second year of our marriage, my husband lost his job so he became a stay-at-home dad. It was not a problem for me at all. If anything, it helped me launch myself fully into my career. I earn good money so I shouldered the responsibility of our family. There were times I even took care of my in-laws.
My husband also does a good job with the kids. He is patient with them, cooks their meals, gets them ready for school, drops them off and picks them up, helps them with their homework, and makes sure they don’t hurt themselves. He is watchful of them and attentive to their needs. I knew he could take good care of them but sometimes he goes the extra mile and that is always a pleasant surprise. He is exactly the kind of father I envisioned my children would have.
Even though he is good with the kids, he is not good with me or our marriage. He is quite temperamental and happens to be a bad communicator. He is also very good at keeping grudges for a very long time. Whenever there’s a problem, he is quick to get angry. If I try to sit him down and resolve the issue, he would end up shouting and arguing with me instead of talking to me. And then he would go about acting hurt and giving me the cold shoulder. I have tried to discuss his attitude with him hoping that he would change, but that hasn’t helped.
We are gradually drifting apart and I am even too tired to try and fix things. We live in the same house but in different rooms. We could go an entire day or even days without seeing or talking to each other. I am not happy that we don’t share the same room but it had to be done. The moment he starts sleeping in our bed, I start getting agitated. He refuses to bathe regularly, he wouldn’t brush his teeth at night, and he leaves his things scattered around the room. When I complain he would tell me, “I have had a long day and I am too tired to do anything else.” But I always insist, “So because you are tired, personal hygiene can take a vacation? Tiredness is not an excuse to be unkempt.” We argue about this till he gets tired and moves back to his room.
Right now, he is doing a business that is picking up. And he is able to take care of eighty per cent of our expenses at home, though I earn more money than he makes with the business. He says, “It’s my responsibility to provide for the family so it doesn’t matter that you earn more than I do. Allow me to do what’s necessary.” And I allow him to do that. My job requires me to travel a lot of times and he doesn’t try to hold me back. He is always ready to take care of the kids in my absence. My problem with him is that when I am away he doesn’t call me. I am the one who always has to call and check up on them. If I don’t call, I don’t hear anything from them. It makes me feel as if he enjoys my absence more than he does my presence. And it breaks my heart when I think about it. He is doing his best to meet our basic needs, but what about my emotional needs?
All my attempts at having a conversation with him about it have failed. He cooks, cleans, and runs the home perfectly when I travel but won’t lift a finger when I am back. When I complain he’d tell me, “That’s your job as the woman. I’m happy to help when you can’t, but don’t expect me to do it all the time.” I don’t buy into his argument but I accept it for the sake of peace. There are days I would feel so down and I would be quiet throughout the day. My husband would see my low mood but decide to mind his business. He won’t even ask, “What’s wrong with you?” This attitude of his makes me angry. And I am certain if it continues, I would lose my mind.
These days I keep to myself because talking to him doesn’t yield any results. Whenever he does something I don’t like, I just keep quiet. I have stopped complaining about his unpleasant behaviours, hoping it would bring some peace into our home. But no, it doesn’t. He gets angry and yells at me at the least provocation. He doesn’t know how to communicate with me amicably. Most of the things he says to me always sound angry even if they are not meant to be so. The only thing I am thankful for is that he acts right around the kids so they don’t get to see that side of him.
I am convinced he doesn’t care about me. There are times I ask him for money, even though I don’t need it. He doesn’t ask, “What do you need it for?” Or “Is everything okay with your finances?” He just plainly says, “No. I am not giving you money.” Meanwhile, he is very generous with people outside our family. I just want him to do something to show that I matter to him but he doesn’t. I have thought about things, and I think the best thing to do is to walk out of the marriage. It is the only way I will have some peace of mind. So my question is, am I overreacting? Or am I justified in my reasons to walk away?
—Francisca
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