For three years my husband wore the same pair of shoes, and the same belt and seldomly bought new clothes for himself. I complained about it but he didn’t do much to change things. It was getting embarrassing at some point. His belt was almost giving up but he kept wearing it. I asked him, “How much is a belt that you can’t buy a new one? His answer was, “If it’s not broken, you don’t buy a new one. That was how I was raised.”

In church, I observed other people’s husbands and how they put a lot of care into the way they dressed and how they smelled. My husband didn’t own a perfume. According to him, he didn’t have a body odour to own a perfume. I wanted him to look good. I wanted him to look the way normal husbands in our church looked. He asked if I wanted him to compete with them and I told him, “It’s not competition when you try to look good.

He didn’t get it. He thought he had more important things to do with money than spend it on himself just because he had to look a certain way. One day I brought it up during a conversation. “You have two shoes. They are almost giving up. How many times have you repaired them? When you have to buy a dress for yourself, you go for the cheap ones. Even that, you don’t buy often. Is your body an enemy to new things?”

He responded jovially, “It was the way I was brought up. When I was young, anytime I wore new things, I felt embarrassed to walk around with my friends. My walking would change and they would notice. They’ll tease me so I always preferred the old ones. I’m used to them so they don’t give me away.”

I bought him a new set of shirts, and trousers and even got him a new pair of shoes. He quickly switched from the old ones to the new ones. I asked, “I thought you said you’re  shy to wear new things but see, you’re all over the new ones now.” He responded, “When someone buys them for you, it’s easy to enjoy them without feeling embarrassed.”

I called him stingy. He told me he wasn’t but that was how he was raised.

One day, our first son’s school report came and it was very bad. He failed in almost all the subjects. My husband got mad. I’d never seen him that angry ever since we got married. He shouted at him and berated him for several minutes, calling him all sorts of names. He screamed, “Because of you guys, I’m not able to buy new things for myself. I don’t remember the last time I bought clothes for myself. By the time I finish paying the bills around here, I would be left with nothing for myself, yet you don’t learn. See your results.”

Over the night, I couldn’t sleep. My husband had finally said the truth without knowing. I thought about it all night and in the end, asked myself what kind of wife I was.

My husband is a civil servant. He had worked in his position ever since I got to know him and married him. He hadn’t been promoted. I work in the private sector. Since we got married, I’d been promoted twice and each promotion came with a raise. I didn’t know how much my husband was earning and he also didn’t know how much I was earning. Money was something we didn’t talk about.

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He knew he had to provide and I knew I had to support so we’d been that couple since the beginning of our marriage. We had three children but we didn’t change anything in our marriage. After nine years of marriage, my husband continued to provide while I supported him when the need arose. He didn’t complain. He performed his role with his head up high and his shoulders high but the day he made that statement a switch went off in my head.

I asked him at dinner one evening, “How much do you earn in a month?” He smiled. “Why do you want to know?” he asked. “Do you want to increase the bills?” I shook my head. “We’ve been married for nine years. At first, I knew how much you were earning but now I don’t. You tell me. I just want to know.”

He mentioned the amount and my heart started beating faster. My salary was almost twice as much as his and yet he was the one providing for us. I said, “It’s unfair the way things go in this house. I earn higher. Allow me to take away some of the burdens. You’ll continue to be the man in this house. I’m not going to take that away from you but just allow me.”

When I told him how much I was earning, he bowed down his head and didn’t lift it for some time. “We have taken a lot of things for granted around here. Let’s do better going forward,” I said.

I started paying the fees of the kids. I didn’t ask him to pay the utilities. I took care of them. He gave me the housekeeping money every month and once in a while asked if there was something he had to pay. I mostly shook my head. His demeanour around the house changed. He was like a flower exposed to the sun for the first time. He took up home chores without me asking him to. He came to the kitchen when he was free. When I did the laundry, he went for them and folded them. We became real partners, a support system we should have been right from the start.

One day he came home with a bag in hand while wearing a huge smile. I asked what was in the bag and he said, “Shoes. I bought a new pair of shoes and some other things. Come and look at them.”

He took them out one after the other. A new pair of black shoes. A new belt that looked better than the old one. He bought two pairs of shirts. They were in a box. He smiled and said, “These ones are not fose ooo. Original one ankasa.” He showed me his new perfume. He sprayed a bit on my skin and asked, “Do you like the scent?” I smiled broadly and nodded.

We Met At El-Classico Match | Rich & Derby

I don’t know but I was very proud of him as if those things were bought for me. I went to bed a proud woman.

He’s no longer carrying more than he can so he can afford to buy new things. He isn’t stingy. I was the one killing him with too many responsibilities. I go to church and don’t compare him to other people’s husbands because he’s the husband I’ve always wanted him to be. He even has a smell I can identify him with even when my eyes are closed.

—Jemila

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