I live in Accra with my husband and our children, while my parents live in Takoradi. In the eight years we’ve been married, my husband and my parents have maintained a cordial relationship. Once in a while, my father visits Accra for business. When he does, he doesn’t stay with us. He doesn’t even try to impose his presence on us. He would book a guest house and go about his affairs. He would sometimes stop by the house to check up on us and the kids. He always ensures he does not overstay his welcome. Once he is done with whatever brought him to town, he returns to Takoradi.
To make his stay in town less stressful, I make stews and soups for him and take them to his lodgings. This helps him not stress too much when it comes to food. A few months ago, he called to tell me he would be in town. He was coming with a female cousin who lives with them in Takoradi. So I suggested, “Instead of booking two separate rooms for the two of you, why don’t you book just one for yourself? Araba will come and stay with us until you are ready to leave.” My dad agreed to my suggestion so it was settled.
I believe my fault in all this was that I didn’t tell my husband about the arrangements. All I told him was, “My dad is coming to Accra with my cousin.” “What is he coming to do here with her?” He asked in response. I had no idea. It didn’t even occur to me to ask my father when he made the announcement. So I shrugged and made a little joke, “Maybe he is bringing her here to serve as his personal cook.” And we both laughed about it.
Now, when it was time for them to arrive in town, they decided to come a day earlier. We were expecting them on a Sunday but they were here on Saturday. My dad called me and asked, “We are in your house, where are you?” I explained that we weren’t expecting them so we were out. He brought some stuff for us and wanted us to take them off his hands. “On our way home we will pass by your guesthouse and get the items, and pick up Araba as well,” I assured him.
We stayed out later than expected. My dad’s guesthouse was on our route so I suggested we pass by so I pick up the stuff he brought. “I am tired. I can’t go there this night,” my husband declined. I calmly asked him again to do it for my sake but he refused. What didn’t I say to try and change his mind? This guy still said he wouldn’t go. He didn’t have any reason other than he was tired. This is my dad we are talking about but it didn’t matter to him. So I got angry. My anger didn’t change his mind either. He insisted we go home.
At almost 9 pm, my dad called to ask why we hadn’t gotten to his place yet. “I am sorry but we are not going to pass by as planned.” Of course, he got angry. He yelled at me for changing plans last minute when we had all agreed on something. Out of my frustration, I told him it was my husband who refused to come. So he got mad at him too. When we got home, I called him; “I am sorry about everything. Please, I am coming to the guest house to get Araba.” I believe he was still angry so he said he already got a place for my cousin.
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Things were quite heated that night. I was angry at my husband, and my father was angry at both of us. The anger continued the next day. I wasn’t talking to my husband and I didn’t hear from my dad either. On Monday after work, I went to the guest house to see him. He was still angry. He complained bitterly and even raised a whole lot of issues. When I got home too, my husband was angry. He said my dad was pushy. “He is always imposing things on you, and whatever he asks you to do, you do it.” I didn’t know what to do. The two most important men in my life were in a tug of war and I was in the middle, trying to reason with both of them to let go of their grudges.
Before my father left for Takoradi, I went to see him. He told me he was no longer angry and that everything was fine between us again. My husband, on the other hand, refused to let his side go. I asked him to take a step and apologize to my dad for his behaviour but he said, “I didn’t wrong your father in any way so why should I apologize?” The war is over but my husband is still fighting, and I feel stuck in the middle.
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It’s been months since this whole thing happened, but the two men haven’t spoken. Considering my dad already told me he let go of everything, I believe he is expecting my husband to call him so they talk about things. However, that hasn’t happened. That’s because I haven’t told him my dad has forgiven him. How could I? We are talking about someone who refuses to accept that he has done anything wrong. He will only get angry if I tell him, “My father said everything is now water under the bridge.” He will feel the need to defend his stance that he did no wrong. To avoid all that drama, I have chosen to keep my mouth shut.
Unfortunately, my silence is not doing me any good. I know my dad is expecting my husband to call him. So the fact that he hasn’t isn’t sitting well with my dad. And now he is giving me attitude because of it. As if I am responsible for my husband’s decisions and actions. What do I do? How do I get the two men to let go of that little misunderstanding? I don’t like being in the middle of all this drama.
—April
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Are you sure you are a woman at all ? Because your husband decided not go so also didn’t go. All this mess started from you. The only way out is to explain to your husband so he can see what to do. Learn to keep your mouth shut sometimes. Also before doing anything consult your husband and make him aware of any developments. Also go and apologise to your dad since he thinks all decisions you took on behalf of your husband was done by him. Do you know why your husband refused to apologise? It’s because he didn’t do anything wrong . Indeed it’s true too. So now be a wise woman and clear the confusion from both ends by cleaning the mess you made. Some men are suffering because of the kind of women they get married to.
Lack of humility, unforgiveness- the husband is a son to his father- in- law. By exhibiting the above mentioned behaviors the husband is wrong. The poster yes should have keep her husband informed at all times about these matters but fact is her husband is wrong.
Your husband is disrespecting your father, he needs to be spoken to by someone senior.
@Maameafuwa, this is men affairs and not the opposite or plain. The husband is wrong, for the fact that the wife told him everything later on and he also agreed to the arrangement to pick up the items and later on change plans made him wrong and he also did not accord the rest inlaw any respect to go with the wife the following day and refusing to apologise now is also a no. Well, unless he doesn’t have a daughter, he too will become father-in-law soon.