Relationships are hard. A lot of troubles creep in as you move along. We are different people who see things differently; Is the reason for the troubles—most of the troubles in our relationship lives. So In my philosophy, when I see trouble looming, I notify my partner so we can think about it and see how we can resolve such problems. I’ve had a lot of failed relationships. I’ve never cheated on a girlfriend. I’ve never abused a girl—both physically and emotionally. All I’ve done is to be there and try my best to be the man I promised to be. In my mind, someone like me doesn’t deserve all those breakups but life is not fair so I’m the one who goes through them. 

Berlinda cheated. Eno found love in an older man who took care of her. Gifty fell for a married man. Araba said she was tired so I should give her a space to recover herself. Four months later she went to her ex and they later got married. I’ve seen it all and bore the brunt of broken heart pains. So when I met Eyram, I told her,  “Be frank with me and be very frank with your feelings. When I’m doing something that you don’t like, draw my attention to it. Let’s discuss and let’s make a change. Don’t lie to me because I won’t lie to you. Open up to me because that’s all I’m going to do with you.”

She listened and agreed with me. We’ve dated for a year now and to the best of my knowledge, she had been open to me. She would wake up in the morning and tell me about her day. During the day when something changes, she tells me about it. I do the same because that’s what love is all about—being an open book to the one you love.

 Early this year, I called her phone and it was on call waiting. I called fifteen minutes later and it was still on call waiting. Thirty minutes later I called. It was still on call waiting. I was about to sleep when she called back. “What happened? You’ve been on the phone forever. I was even about to sleep.” There was anger in her voice when she said, “Is it not this man that my mother introduced me to. He had been calling me every day talking about a whole lot of nonsense. Days ago, he called to propose to me. I told him I don’t like him but he had been pestering me, telling me all the things he wants to do for me. He’s an elderly person and I didn’t want to disrespect him that’s why I kept engaging him. Next time he won’t have it this easy.”

I asked her to be patient with him. “Tell him you have a boyfriend and you’re planning to get married, he would leave you alone.” She responded, “I told him that. It was the first thing I said when he proposed but his answer was, “A boyfriend is not a husband.” I asked her, “Is he married?” She answered, “I don’t know and I don’t want to know too. I’m not interested in him so it doesn’t interest me to ask all those questions.” I made a joke out of it just to calm her down. I said, ‘Eiii these old men. They’ve finished breaking the hearts of our mothers so they’ve descended on their daughters. Don’t mind him. If possible, block his line.”

I didn’t hear about this man and his issue again because I didn’t bother to ask about him. I saw a change in my girlfriend. She would be with me and still stay on her phone for hours. She would be chatting and laughing. I was curious so I jokingly asked, “Are you chatting with that your old man?” She laughed and said, “How did you know he’s the one I’m talking to?” I was a little bit surprised. I asked, “You mean he’s the one you’re chatting and laughing with?” She confidently said, “Yeah he’s the one. We are friends now.”

“Friends? As in friends that call each other and chat with each other even late in the night?” 

“Don’t think too far. I realized he’s a good person and he has understood the fact that I have a boyfriend that’s why we are friends.”

“How’s that possible? How do you keep someone who wants you as a friend?”

“I’ve discussed that with him already. He knows his position in my life so there’s nothing to worry about.” 

There was a lot to worry about but I didn’t want to overstretch the issue.

One afternoon I called her. I was around her neighborhood and wanted to visit. When she picked up the phone and I told her that I was coming to visit, she answered, “My friend is here ooo. If you’ll feel comfortable in his presence, then fine, you can come.” Honestly, I didn’t want to go but on second thought, I said, “Let me go and see the face of this man who had been giving me headaches. I met her mother in front of the house and greeted her. Her response was awkward. It was as though she didn’t want to respond or talk to me. I asked, “I’m here to see Eyram.” She nodded her head and left. 

Eyram’s room is a single room. Apart from the mattress on the floor, there’s nothing else there to sit on. When I was going I thought the man would be in their hall or something but I got there and realized he was inside her room. I knocked and entered. The man’s behavior looked like he wasn’t told I was coming. He was jittery and uncomfortable. He was sitting on the bed with his back against the wall. When I got in, Eyram said, “Eiii you are here…” as if she didn’t know that I was coming.” She told the man, “This is Elvis…” I was waiting for the “…my boyfriend” part but it never came. I shook the man’s hand and left the room. She came outside to see me. I told her, “I can see you’re busy. I’ll leave now. Call me when you are free.” She asked, “I hope you’re not angry.” I didn’t answer that.

The next time when we met, we talked. We talked about her relationship with the man and how uncomfortable I am about it. She screamed, “He’s just a friend. He’s too old for me. I don’t like old men and you know it.” I said, “Life has a way of proving us wrong. Today we don’t like this but tomorrow all we like is the same thing we didn’t like yesterday. Our situations determine what we like and don’t like and situations change quickly. It has happened to me before. This is a man who wants you. Why keep him close? Who leaves the mouse and the cat in the same room?”

We planned to go out on the 6th March because of the long holiday. A night before the 6th of March she called me, “Elvis, I’m going to tell you something, please don’t get angry. Can we push our date to the 7th March? It’s a holiday. We can equally have fun.” I asked, “Is that the reason you asked me not to be angry? Is that all or there’s something else?” She said, “That’s all.” I asked, “Why should we change our date? What happened?” She said, “Promise me you won’t be angry.” I didn’t promise. She told me, “My friend is not well. He has asked my mother to tell me to cook something for him so I will go to his place and do the cooking for him. I may not come back early.”

I snapped, “Are you the only one in this world he could fall on? Doesn’t he have a family? Before you came into the frame who was doing all that for him? Where’s that person? Why can’t you tell him that you’re busy or something? Would he die if you don’t do that for him?” She started speaking softly, “You don’t have to ask all these questions. It’s a request he placed through my mother. This once won’t change anything.”

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Her mind was already made up. I couldn’t change it. She wouldn’t allow me to change her mind so she went to him the next day and that whole day, she didn’t pick up my calls. When she called in the evening she said, “Sorry, I was busy. I will make it up to you.” As if that is all it takes to make things right.

May plans were for us to get married this year. She’s aware of it and she seems eager about the marriage but the presence of this man is changing everything. She will listen to me on everything but when it comes to this man, she doesn’t listen. She’s making me feel like she puts that man first before anything else and it hurts me a lot. It hurts my ego and it hurts the man in me. The last time she asked about the marriage, I told her, “I’m thinking about it.” She got agitated. That I said I was thinking about it but in an actual sense, I want to put everything on hold until further notice.

Am I being reasonable? Am I being overly jealous? Am I making a mountain out of a molehill? Am I creating a cloud of smoke where there is no fire? 

I don’t sleep at night because of this. I don’t know how else to address it for her to see it from my point of view. Maybe I’m wrong. If I’m wrong tell me. Wouldn’t you have a reason to worry if you were in my shoes? 

–Elvis  

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