It’s the season of love and joy. Everyone is going about determined to feel and spread some Christmas cheer. It’s beautiful watching them put away their problems and embrace the happiness going around. I haven’t gone out much but I know people are out there spending quality time with friends, family, and loved ones. They are either doing it at home or in town partying.

And then there’s me, alone at home. I am stuck in a rut. I have nothing going on right now, and that’s not my style. I am not usually left out of the celebrations but this year is different. How could I be out chilling when I lost my job four months ago?

Even if I try to pretend I am not moved by my circumstances, I won’t fool anyone. I’m flat-out broke. For this reason, I’ve been falling in and out of depression like a girl with daddy issues claiming she’s in love. And we all know how that story goes.

Honestly, the only thing that has felt meaningful in my life lately is my girlfriend. At least, that used to be the case until recently. Don’t get me wrong, I still love her but all we do these days is fight.
Sometimes I think about the things we fight about and it doesn’t even make sense.

I would ask myself, “How did we get to this point where we have misunderstandings over the dumbest things?” The painful part is that if she is the one at fault, she won’t admit it and apologize. Meanwhile, she didn’t use to behave like this.

In the past, she accepted responsibility for her actions. But now she always finds ways to make herself the victim in every disagreement. She won’t yield when she has to. That aside, she dismisses my advice or opinions. When I try to let her see my point, she retorts; “Why do you have problems with everything I do? You are always attacking me.”

It’s becoming increasingly obvious that I have fallen off her priority list. It would have bothered me at first but now I think it’s fine. She’s an amazing woman. It’s only fair that she might want to broaden her horizons. No woman wants to be with a man who is going nowhere.

Right now I am going nowhere. I am jobless and stuck. I don’t seem like much of a catch right now. So I am convinced this new attitude is her way of creating distance between us. If that’s the case, then I get it. I will fight for her if I know she wants me but one thing I won’t do is force myself to be with her if she doesn’t want me anymore.

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We’ve been together for nearly three years now. Right from the very beginning, I was sure she was the one I wanted to grow old with. But I also know that people grow apart for all kinds of reasons. And just maybe, this is just one of those moments where we are also growing apart. It’s hard but I think I should set her free.

While I’m grateful for the time we’ve shared and the beautiful memories we’ve created, I’ve also grown tired of the endless and trivial fights. It’s exhausting enough being jobless and trying to figure out how to stay afloat. I should have someone in my life who brings me peace. So having constant friction in a relationship that’s supposed to bring me peace just adds fuel to the fire.

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I think we both need some space to figure out our lives. She deserves the freedom to explore her options, and I need the time and focus to get back on my feet and find a job. So, tonight, I’ve decided to have a heart-to-heart conversation with her. I’m going to amicably end things between us. Well, at least I hope it goes as peacefully as I am planning.

I know this might sound like a rant, and to be completely honest, it is. I’m ranting, and I’m sorry for unloading all of this and staining your joy this season. I just need a space to blow off some steam.

— Anthony

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