I have always wanted to marry the first man I date. So I took my time before I entered the dating world. My first boyfriend was everything I dreamed of having in a husband. Our relationship was beautiful, and we both knew that we were headed to the altar. Unfortunately, we couldn’t get there because of medical reasons. We found out that his blood group is not compatible with mine. Although this broke our hearts, we had to go our separate ways so we could each find partners we can have healthy children with.

Two years after the breakup, the COVID-19 pandemic happened. It was during that season that I met a gentleman through my cousin. When we first met he said, “I want us to be my friends.” However, l could tell that his rfriendship requestwas just a foot in the door for something more. I appreciated his interest but I had no desire to get involved with him. l didn’t want to jump into anything that wouldn’t work. That way I wouldn’t have to date a lot of guys before l settle down. So I made sure to keep Enoch strictly as a friend.

As time went on, he became one of my closest friends. We would sit and have long conversations about everything, including our plans for the future. He also showed up for me whenever I was in a bind. And he lifted up spirit when I was low. Apart from that, he helped me in everything I did. His all-out kindness made me consider him as a love interest. However, I wasn’t sure if I wanted to marry him so I made sure to constantly remind him that we are just friends. To show him that I was serious, I rejected every material gift he brought me, especially the expensive ones. I just did not want to be in a position where I would feel I owe him love or a relationship because of his gifts.

In June 2022, he proposed to me again. This time around I was sure about him. And my love for him had intensified so I immediately said yes. I introduced him to my mother right from the beginning of the relationship and she loves him. All my sisters get along well with him. And I was happy with how perfectly things are progressing. Marriage is definitely in the pipeline. However, there is something I am conflicted about.

When I met Enoch in 2020, he opened up to me that he has a daughter. She was eight at the time. Apart from the fact that I love children, I teach Sunday school and I am a Pediatrician by profession. l am a natural when it comes to kids. And they also love me, so I didn’t mind that Enoch has a child. I didn’t get to meet the child during our friendship stage because she lives with Enoch’s parents in Lagos. And I didn’t meet her when we started dating until her birthday this past February when Enoch and I went to see her in Lagos.

My first thought when I saw her was, “This baby girl is so cute and innocent. I love her.” Truthfully, we clicked that instance. Now this is the problem. I am the last child of my parents, so l am clingy. I am not used to sharing attention with others. But now that I am a potential stepmother, things have changed. Enoch’s daughter came to spend some time with us and I noticed a few things. The first one is that I have to prioritize her when it comes to receiving attention from my boyfriend. She gets to spend all the time with my man while I sit on the sidelines feeling ignored. l know he is her father but I honestly get jealous when this happens.

I opened up to my supervisor who is a counsellor, about my feelings. He told me, “Marrying a man with a child, especially a daughter, is not far from becoming a second wife. That child will always be a representation of her mother in the marriage. Also, girls cling to their fathers more, so if you are also clingy then there won’t be peace.” I think he is right, seeing as my sense of peace is threatened by my own jealousy.

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A month later, my aunty also made a statement that being a stepmother to a baby girl is not going to be easy. She also said, “The child will mostly represent her mother in the marriage. So the man needs to treat the child and stepmother differently but love them equally.” I didn’t know it was this complicated to date a baby daddy until now. If this is really what is expected, then this marriage journey is going to be one bumpy ride for me. How can I in good conscience marry Enoch when I know that I won’t be happy to watch his baby girl get all his attention?

As l write this, I’m so confused. It feels wrong to play rivalry with an innocent child just because l want to have my man all to myself. That act is kind of evil, and I am not an evil person. I thought l loved children until l realized that a child can make me feel jealous. Right now, I don’t know if l should end things with him. Or suggest to him that we should let the child stay with her grandparents for some time after we marry. Kindly advise me on how to handle this.

—Yeychi

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