I have never seen single fathers as a deal breaker. I believe that just because someone has a child doesn’t mean they don’t deserve love. Also, I love children. I teach Sunday school in church and I enjoy it very much. Because of this, I don’t shy away from the prospect of being a stepmother. It so happens that God gives us what we are ready for. I am saying this because of a man I met during the COVID-19 era. After getting to know him, I can vouch that he is a good man. I listen to a few women talk about the qualities they want in an ideal partner, and my man has it all. The one thing he has that most women shy away from is a daughter. He had her when he was twenty-two. The story surrounding her birth is so sad that I was determined to show this little girl all the love I have and more.
While Kwabena and I continue to grow in love with each passing day, the little girl and I get along just fine. She is currently ten so she doesn’t understand a lot about life, especially adult relationships. She has done certain things for me to see that she does not want me around her father as much as I want to be around him. My love language is physical touch. Because of this, I love spending time with the people I love. Kwabena understands that, so whenever we are together, he makes me feel extra special with the way he touches me.
Sometimes we would be watching TV together and we would sit close together with his arms around me. Sometimes I would put my legs on him. Other times too, we just hold hands and talk. We don’t do anything remotely graphic in front of the baby girl. However, she doesn’t seem to like the way we hold each other. The moment she sees me and her dad getting cosy she would start crying, “Daddy, my back is itchy. Scratch it for me.” Or, “Daddy, my tummy hurts.” I have lost count of the number of headaches, tummy aches, and itchy body parts this child has had whenever her father touches me.
At first, I believed whatever she cried about was genuine until it dawned on me that when we sit apart while watching TV, she wouldn’t feel any discomfort but the moment we get close to each other and there is some physical touch, she cries. This has gone on for a very long time but her dad doesn’t seem to notice it. Children are naturally drawn to me but the one child I am trying to win over doesn’t seem to be won over. I always give her extra care and attention but it doesn’t seem to be working.
I treat her as I would my biological child so it hurts my feelings when she tries to shift my man’s attention from me to her. And the fact that her father gives me very little attention when she is around makes matters worse. I am not saying she shouldn’t get any attention, but the way she pretends to be unwell just to be the centre of everything is what bothers me.
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I spoke to my mother about her and she said, “Baby girls are like that. They treat their mothers as rivals, and being a stepmother is no exception.” When she said this I became concerned. Because l don’t have the strength to play rivalry games with a ten-year-old. Kwabena and I have started talking about marriage but I am not excited about it. I keep imagining how our marriage would be. My husband would give most of his attention to the little girl and I would be lucky if he gives me any.
I want to suggest to him that we should let the girl stay with either his mum or my mum when we get married. She would stay there for three years. By that time she would be a little older and independent. She would also have some understanding of adult relationships and wouldn’t want to come between me and her father. Also, l don’t like the idea of starting a new marriage with a child involved. We won’t be able to enjoy the new wife and husband shenanigans.
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Another thing that makes me unexcited about our marriage plans is that Kwabena always talks about marriage because he wants his daughter to experience growing up with both parents. This makes me believe he is looking for a nanny for his child and not necessarily a wife. I want to tell him about the girl staying with either of our parents till our 3rd anniversary but l don’t know how he will take it. He might decide not to marry me again, but that’s fine. I am also on the fence when it comes to marrying a man with a daughter. Am I doing the right thing? I need your advice.
–Nadine
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My dear, please if you love your man, you need to accommodate his daughter.
Will you take the same decision?
Love him, love his dog
If you do really love this man,open up to him about your fears,both of you can work things out,I have three daughters and I talk to them,they want to see me happy because they know why me and their mom is separated, though I will l9ve them to stay with me but custody was granted to their mom,if I am ready to settle down,I will try to make my spouse feel comfortable in a family setting she rightly deserves,because I feel I know better now
Try cuddling with her also with and without the father. You love your man? Then fight for him.
Just let your man know your concerns. He might not see not see eye to eye with you and you can’t have his daughter as your rival. There is going to be some bad blood between you and your stepdaughter. Be careful., you are not going to enjoy your marriage to the fullest because as she grows up you will still be her rival. She doesn’t want to share her dad with anyone else and even if he doesn’t marry you the next woman is going to face the same problem.
Get this understanding. It is psychological that the girl child feels for her dad until she fully grows and likewise the boy child. What makes it worse is the fact that her mum is not the one with the dad. She doesn’t hate you, but she is also not seeing why it not her mum and it’s you.
Take it easy on her, show her genuinely love and she will grow to appreciate you. My step mum and I are the best of friends even though we had a patchy beginning.
She will grow to like you. She is just scared of losing her dad to you. And if you make that fear a reality by sending her away, she will hate you instead. So just accommodate her.
And I think you should engage her and ask why she does that and talk about it. 10 years, she is old enough to understand you. Assure her that you won’t take her dad away. You like her dad a lot thats why you like to be cozy with him.You can also let her sit with you guys as a family while you watch the TV, don’t isolate her.
If possible, get a separate room for her with a small TV that she can enjoy on her own. Or you guys can have your own TV in your room, so that you spend more time indoors.
My dear lady you don’t have a problem at all you are running very fast cool your radiator take a good look at the situation and understand. The girl was with her dad before you came to their lives you may not have a clue of how they were living. Don’t take her at 10 to be a little girl don’t let her go she will dislike you the more don’t try to break the relationship between them. It will take time. You see nature when you are close to her dad and she came up with her antics just pull her on your lap tickle her say funny things to her let her know you are her mother and dad is your husband. Talk to her maturely involve in her school and her best desires. Dress her and walk with her talk to her more tell stories if you’re a Christian read the bible and pray with her. Check on her at school take her not as your daughter but a bosom buddy.