I have never seen single fathers as a deal breaker. I believe that just because someone has a child doesn’t mean they don’t deserve love. Also, I love children. I teach Sunday school in church and I enjoy it very much. Because of this, I don’t shy away from the prospect of being a stepmother. It so happens that God gives us what we are ready for. I am saying this because of a man I met during the COVID-19 era. After getting to know him, I can vouch that he is a good man. I listen to a few women talk about the qualities they want in an ideal partner, and my man has it all. The one thing he has that most women shy away from is a daughter. He had her when he was twenty-two. The story surrounding her birth is so sad that I was determined to show this little girl all the love I have and more.

While Kwabena and I continue to grow in love with each passing day, the little girl and I get along just fine. She is currently ten so she doesn’t understand a lot about life, especially adult relationships. She has done certain things for me to see that she does not want me around her father as much as I want to be around him. My love language is physical touch. Because of this, I love spending time with the people I love. Kwabena understands that, so whenever we are together, he makes me feel extra special with the way he touches me.

Sometimes we would be watching TV together and we would sit close together with his arms around me. Sometimes I would put my legs on him. Other times too, we just hold hands and talk. We don’t do anything remotely graphic in front of the baby girl. However, she doesn’t seem to like the way we hold each other. The moment she sees me and her dad getting cosy she would start crying, “Daddy, my back is itchy. Scratch it for me.” Or, “Daddy, my tummy hurts.” I have lost count of the number of headaches, tummy aches, and itchy body parts this child has had whenever her father touches me.

At first, I believed whatever she cried about was genuine until it dawned on me that when we sit apart while watching TV, she wouldn’t feel any discomfort but the moment we get close to each other and there is some physical touch, she cries. This has gone on for a very long time but her dad doesn’t seem to notice it. Children are naturally drawn to me but the one child I am trying to win over doesn’t seem to be won over. I always give her extra care and attention but it doesn’t seem to be working.

I treat her as I would my biological child so it hurts my feelings when she tries to shift my man’s attention from me to her. And the fact that her father gives me very little attention when she is around makes matters worse. I am not saying she shouldn’t get any attention, but the way she pretends to be unwell just to be the centre of everything is what bothers me.

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I spoke to my mother about her and she said, “Baby girls are like that. They treat their mothers as rivals, and being a stepmother is no exception.” When she said this I became concerned. Because l don’t have the strength to play rivalry games with a ten-year-old. Kwabena and I have started talking about marriage but I am not excited about it. I keep imagining how our marriage would be. My husband would give most of his attention to the little girl and I would be lucky if he gives me any.

I want to suggest to him that we should let the girl stay with either his mum or my mum when we get married. She would stay there for three years. By that time she would be a little older and independent. She would also have some understanding of adult relationships and wouldn’t want to come between me and her father. Also, l don’t like the idea of starting a new marriage with a child involved. We won’t be able to enjoy the new wife and husband shenanigans.

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Another thing that makes me unexcited about our marriage plans is that Kwabena always talks about marriage because he wants his daughter to experience growing up with both parents. This makes me believe he is looking for a nanny for his child and not necessarily a wife. I want to tell him about the girl staying with either of our parents till our 3rd anniversary but l don’t know how he will take it. He might decide not to marry me again, but that’s fine. I am also on the fence when it comes to marrying a man with a daughter. Am I doing the right thing? I need your advice.

–Nadine

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