After school, my dad decided I should come to the UK and further my education so, in 2017, I traveled from Ghana to the UK. On my first day at school, I met Josh, a Ghanaian who has lived in the UK for almost fifteen years of his life. He asked me, “How long have you been in the UK?” I said, “I’ve been around for a couple of months.” He said, “Then there’s a lot you need to know and I’ll be glad to be your guide.”

From that day we became friends. He took me to parties and introduced me to a lot of his Ghanaian friends. They made me feel at home and because of that, I always hang around with them. One day Josh came home to visit me. I told my dad about his visit before he came. Immediately he saw him he asked me, “Is that the friend you’re expecting?” I said, “Yeah, this is Josh.”

His mood changed immediately. He left the hall and entered his bedroom. He didn’t come out again until Josh left. When he came out he asked, “I hope he’s just a friend and there’s nothing going on between you two.” I said, “He’s just a friend. He’s been very good to me since we met and he’s a Ghanaian too.” I thought he was going to be happy hearing Josh was a Ghanaian. He said, “That’s the problem. You don’t have to move with a Ghanaian just because you’re a Ghanaian. You came here to learn so you have to learn from other cultures too. Pick a white guy, let him teach you what you don’t already know.”

I didn’t think deeply about what he said because I didn’t take him seriously. Weeks later Josh proposed and I accepted. I was reluctant to take him home because of how my dad behaved the first day he was there. We dated for six months before I thought I should introduce him to my dad properly. I told my dad, “My boyfriend wants to come around to meet you.” He asked, “Is he obroni?” I said, “No, he’s not.” He asked, “So who is he?” I said, “You’ve met him once. He’s the one who came here the other day.” He said, “No I don’t want to meet him. If you’re serious about bringing a boyfriend home then he should be obroni.”

I didn’t know how I should even feel—shocked? Angry? Disappointed? I asked him, “Why should he be Obroni? He said, “I’m not ready to explain that to you. When you bring Obroni home, you’ll understand everything.”

I didn’t set out to date people based on color. Josh found me. He liked me enough to propose to me and I said yes. Yes, I had white friends. A lot of them were females. All the white guys I had in my circle were people who were either married or engaged. None of them had any interest or whatsoever in me and I couldn’t push myself on a guy just because he was Obroni.

I tried to explain things to my father but he wouldn’t listen. He said, “You children of today, you bring a guy home today and the next day you’re getting married. I don’t want to hear that. Just listen to my advice and get yourself a guy who’s obroni. You’re beautiful. This shouldn’t be too hard for you.”

It was the first I was hearing my father call me beautiful but I couldn’t revel in it because of the context and the kind of discussion we were having. I dated Josh for a year and a half. He wanted something serious. I wanted something serious too but my dad was in our way. Josh said we should do it without my father’s approval. I couldn’t do it so as time went on, we slowly died off. The pain I went through trying to revive the relationship I had with josh was so immense. It’s all coming back to me now as I write this.

The next guy I met is a Nigerian—Leo. A Nigerian-born British. He has nothing about him that says he is a Nigerian apart from his skin color. He has British accent and has British mannerisms. When he proposed to me I wanted to say yes but my father’s voice kept echoing in my head. Instead of saying yes, I told him, “Give me some time to think about it.” He said, “I hope it wouldn’t take long.” I said, “It wouldn’t take long. Just some few days to get certain things straight.”

I told my dad, “There’s a new guy.” He asked, “Obroni?” I said, “Half-cast. In fact, he’s more white than black.” His voice went low; “Where does he come from?” I said, “He was born and raised here so he’s British through and through, just that his mother is a Nigerian.” He said, “That’s the problem. I want white and you’re coming home with black and white. What is it about color don’t you understand?”

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My father hates it when I tell my mother about things the two of us are dealing with but that day, I called my mother on phone and told her everything; “Dad is frustrating my life. He’s trying to choose a man for me and I don’t like it.” She asked calmly, “What does he want?” I told her, “He said I should bring obroni home because of that he keeps rejecting everyone I come home with.” She said, “I think your father has a point. You can’t travel from Ghana to the UK and be doing black things. Can you imagine the kind of grandkids I would have if you marry obroni? Think about it.”

She made the issue worse. I regretted telling her.

It’s been three months since Leo proposed to me. I keep giving him mixed signals. I’ve kissed him and have allowed him to do things to me but I haven’t said yes. When he pressed for an answer, I told him the issue with my dad. He laughed and said, “There’s a man alive who thinks like that? What about your happiness? Or he doesn’t care? This is the UK, we can do it without him. You don’t need his approval?”

I said in my head, “Look at Oyibo talking. You think it’s simple like that?”

But I’ve thought about things critically in the past few days. I think I will go with what Leo said. We can do it without him because this is the UK but my only fear is the future implications of this decision. My father might wash his hands off me. This is a strange land—it’s not my home. When things go wrong, I will need the support of someone like my father. If he’s not there, I will be alone without any human support system.

I want to know, should I go ahead with my plan or listen to my father? I’m twenty-eight. Life is not waiting for me at the bend. This is my life and it keeps going. I need to decide before I lose another good man. Please advise.

–Philo 

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