I’ve been divorced for four years now. I have two daughters, 5 and 7. My marriage ended because my ex-husband was a physically abusive, irresponsible, narcissistic man who slept with anything in skirts. If you ask me, I stayed in that marriage longer than necessary. I was there for five years hoping things would improve, but time only made him worse.
FOLLOW US ON WHATSAPP CHANNEL TO RECEIVE ALL STORIES IN YOUR INBOX
When I married him I was 22 and green. He was my first man. Now I am 31 but I don’t have a man.
Over the years, I have had many suitors coming my way. They profess their love and willingness to marry me but I have become fearful of men. When I hear a man say I love you, I think about the last man who said those words to me for years. How those words became the balm he used to soothe the bruises his anger left on my body. Sometimes I unconsciously reach for my shoulder and trace lines across the scars his love gave me.
I admit that sometimes my fear of history repeating itself pushes the men away, but most of the time it’s the men. There’s usually something off about them.
Some of them only wanted sex. Others lacked vision for their lives. How do I saddle myself with a ship that has no direction? Not after my experience with an irresponsible husband, no.
There were those who insisted we would live in their family house after marriage. They didn’t care about my objections. This gave me the impression that they were arrogant and narcissistic. The marriage would only be about them and their needs. Nothing about my thoughts and feelings would matter. No, I am not going down that route again.
One or two of them also suggested I send my daughters to live with my mother —clear signs they wouldn’t accept my children. As a single mum, it matters to me that I end up with a man who will love my children as his, or as close to that as possible.
My least favorite were the ones who expected me to play the role of a wife by doing all domestic chores. That’s a big NO for me. No marriage, no wifely benefits whatsoever. This has always been my number one rule.
Because of these red flags, I never get beyond the talking stage. Some men have even insulted me, calling me a “waste product with options.” But that doesn’t bother me. I know they’re just intimidated.
I believe I’m a wife material. I just wasn’t lucky the first time. I rushed into early marriage after college because I wanted to avoid committing zina. In my quest to escape fornication, my ex-husband and I barely knew each other. We only dated for three months and then got married. Worst mistake of my life to this day.
Now, there’s a new guy I’ve been talking to for the past six months. He’s humble, has good character, is apologetic, and genuinely concerned about the future. He has shared his plans and vision with me, and I’m starting to fall for him.
He’s a single father of one daughter.
When I asked about his past, he explained that in his 20s, he and his friends made a bet on a woman who often turned down men. He “won” the bet, and after their first intimacy, she got pregnant. He said he can’t marry her because he never loved her, and she also refuses to convert to Islam.
“We are not a couple but that doesn’t stop me from taking care of my child,” he said.
This gives me mixed feelings. My ex-husband also had a child out of wedlock, which I only found out about a week before our wedding. It was my uncles who asked me if I knew he had a child. I didn’t know then but I lied and said yes to protect him. I confronted him later, and he admitted it. But look at how that marriage turned out. The difference now is that this new guy was honest from the start.
He’s tried to introduce me to his family, but I refused since we’re still in the talking stage. I told him to treat me like a sister for now, so I can get to know him better. I also asked about our future living arrangements, and he said he plans to live in the family house until he can afford to build his own. He’s the fourth of six boys.
You Broke Me Into Pieces: A Daughter’s Emotional Conversation With Her Father
I’m torn. Every time I want to end things, I feel he might be the one. He has agreed to celibacy, which I truly appreciate. He also offered to enroll my children in boarding school, but I’m worried. Isn’t that a sign that he doesn’t want them around? We don’t even live in different towns, and I’ve never let him meet my daughters. So does he want us to send them away?
Am I overthinking things because I’m scared of men? Honestly, I want to get it right this time. I want to be absolutely sure before settling down again. Does he seem like a good choice to you?
—Faiza
This story you just read was sent to us by someone just like you. We know you have a story too. Email it to us at submissions@silentbeads.com. You can also drop your number and we will call you so you tell us your story.
#SB
The one wey make me laugh you said your husband slept any thing in skirt but you dont explain it come up dear i mean to pull your2 legs
The boarding house is a huge red flag. He’s indirectly telling you he does not want the kids around. The family house is going to chaotic. Please think of your comfort and that of the girls first before anything else.
You escaped the sin of fornication, now remember God also says NO to divorce and remarry except your husband is death. I don’t support abuse at all, i’m sorry you went through this traumatic union. But i can’t give you a shortcut aside the truth of the knowlege of the word of God. I wish you healing and divine providence in Jesus’ name.