My Deadbeat Father Rejected My Dowry Because It Was Less Than Expected

My father walked out on us when I was just a child. My mother had to raise me and my two younger brothers all by herself. It was not easy for us at all. Sometimes when things got exceptionally hard, we went to bed without food. Through all this, my dad was in his hometown getting remarried and starting a new family. I didn’t even remember what he looked like.

After I completed JSS, my mother took me to him. The agreement was that he would take over from my mum and take care of me through secondary school. Life with him and my stepmother was another mountain all on its own. My father always delayed when it came to payment of school fees. This affected me in all aspects of my school life. I could not even go for dining.

I endured this till I was about to go to my third year. That was when I complained to my dad that his late payment affects me. This man got angry and sent me back to my mother. He said, “Instead of thanking me for paying your fees, you are demanding that I pay it early. Such an ingrate.”

Going back to my mother’s place set me back in my education. I had to enrol in a new school and start school from year – one. My mother didn’t even have money to pay my fees so she had to beg the administrators of the school to allow me start classes on credit.

For a whole year, I didn’t pay school fees. It continued into the next year until we had some problems at home and had to file a complaint at the police station. That was when I met a policeman who took an interest in my education.

He told my mum that he would like to adopt and take care of me. We were so grateful for his offer. And true to his words, he saw me through school until I completed and got enlisted in the military.

The policeman who helped me often traveled outside the country so my relationship with him wasn’t exactly fatherly. He was more of a benefactor.

During my passing out ceremony, my father showed up with his relatives to show me off. I didn’t get mad. Instead, I welcomed them openly and made peace with my father although he abandoned me in the past.

As time went on, I learned to forgive my father completely for the past. I built a good relationship with him and my stepmother. They even started pressuring me, “Yaa, you are not getting any younger. When are you bringing a man home?” I would often smile and say, “Soon.”

All this while, I had a boyfriend but we were having problems. That’s why I couldn’t bring him home. One day our problems got the better of us and we broke up. But we still loved each other so I was sure we would work things out eventually.

It didn’t take long for us to get back together. And when we did, he said he didn’t want to waste time when it comes to marriage. “After eight years together, I don’t know why we shouldn’t get married. Besides, I love you too much to not seal the deal. I don’t have long before I go for peacekeeping but I want us to get married before I go.”

I accepted his proposal and went to my father for the marriage list. While we were running around trying to plan a wedding in less than a month, my father and his people were also making things more difficult for us.

First, they said we had to get married in my hometown. I told them, “I didn’t grow up among you people so I can’t get married there. It will cost me more money to transport all the people I have hired to work on the wedding. Why can’t we do the knocking in the village and the actual wedding in Accra?” It was difficult but eventually, we succeeded in persuading them.

On the day of the knocking too, they wanted to cause more problems. There was a little argument between me and my dad because of this. He tried to insist that we have the official marriage ceremony in our hometown but I refused. This upset him so much that he called me disrespectful.

After the knocking ceremony, this man called to tell me that he wouldn’t show up at the ceremony. One of my cousins acted as a mediator between me and my dad. I called him and he also told me, “I can’t make it to your wedding, sorry.” Everyone from my father’s side refused to show up.

They said the date I set fell on a Thursday. And marriages held on Thursdays do not last so they wouldn’t come. Another excuse was that there is a royal stool in the family. This means, all the girls in the family have to hold their marriage ceremonies in the family’s home.

I was with my cousin when I asked her to call my dad and speak to him on my behalf. She put the call on speaker so I could hear him. My dad didn’t know I was there with her. The things he said shocked me.

He said, “She thinks she has money so she won’t respect anybody. How much money does she even have? I will show her and she will learn her lessons.” This person talking is my own father o. I listened to everything he said but I didn’t talk. I just went home and tightened my prayer belt.

The day before the wedding, I woke up at dawn and traveled to see my father. When I got there I asked him, “Why are you trying to disgrace me on a day that’s supposed to be one of the happiest days of my life? Remember that I am your eldest daughter. If you abandon me now, you might need me one day. When that day comes should I also abandon you? Please whatever the problem is, let it go and come for the wedding.”

He said he would come for the wedding on condition that I go and greet my stepmother. I didn’t want people to see that I was around but I did it for him. When I got there my stepmother told me, “Why are you rushing to get married? Are you trying to hide a pregnancy? If that’s the case, then wait and give birth. When the man comes back from peacekeeping, then you will get married.” That was when I knew this woman didn’t like me. Would she have told her thirty-four-year-old daughter she was rushing into marriage?

After all that drama, my dad came with two people from his hometown to the ceremony. A lot of things went wrong on that day. My husband’s relatives got stuck in heavy traffic and showed up about two hours late. All these delays made my father and his family very angry.

When they presented the items, my father’s family unwrapped the suitcase, opened it, and checked the items one by one.

After checking the items, my father said; “The things I am supposed to receive are not up to what we have here on the list. I explained to them, “Yes I didn’t think items like umbrellas were necessary so I told them not to buy them. So they put its value in money in an envelope. This man didn’t listen to me. He rejected the items including the money and even the bride price.

It’s been a year since I got married, but my marriage items are in my aunt’s house. My father didn’t receive them. And now some of the drinks have even expired. They are saying we should make sure the items are complete for my husband’s family to send them to our hometown. So we are all there.

After everything my father did, I was the one he called when he fell sick recently. I went for him and brought him home and took good care of him. I made sure he never lacked anything but this man still called my cousin and insulted me to her. Unfortunately for him, my cousin told me everything.

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I woke up one morning and went to confront him, “Do you know that you are an evil man? Look at everything you’ve done to me in the past. Yet I forgave you and welcomed you into my home. Despite all the times you threw me away, I still fought for your love. But you have chosen to be unforgiving. You harbour anger and bitterness against people and try to hurt them so they would know you are the boss. It’s not good to live like that. That’s why I don’t talk to you anymore.” He didn’t say a word until I left.

The next day he came to tell me, “I am sorry for everything. For the things I did wrong intentionally and the ones I didn’t know I was doing wrong. Forgive me for all of them.” I had already forgiven him so there was nothing else to forgive.

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Although he has apologized, I don’t want to have any relationship with him. I will take care of him and do right by him for the sake of God. But that’s where it will end. He has started complaining to people that we still haven’t brought the marriage items.

I have heard all about it but I couldn’t be bothered. I have even decided that I don’t want him to have the items anymore. After all, he doesn’t deserve them. I just asked him to collect them because of customs. But since he rejected the items, he has forfeited the right to them.

Am I right in my decision not to give it to him anymore? Or I should just give them to him to avoid any more unnecessary drama? Kindly share your thoughts with me.

—Yaa