As a child, I always felt uncomfortable whenever my mother and her siblings had problems. To this day, I don’t know the root cause of these problems but it was bad enough for my mother’s siblings to constantly disrespect her. She was the eldest but it didn’t seem to matter to them. These two aunts of mine even maltreated my siblings because of their relationship with my mum.

Despite everything they did, my mum always ran to their aid whenever they were in trouble. It was some kind of adult logic that I didn’t understand. However, one thing I understood was that my mother loved her sisters in spite of their resentment toward her. As I observed their relationship, I often prayed and hoped that peace would be restored between them.

The good news was, that their relationship did not affect the love and friendship between me and my cousins. I remember when I was in JHS 2. I had an assignment to submit the next day but our lights went off. My eldest cousin had visited us then. When he was ready to go home, I asked him to take me to his place. The plan was that I would do the assignment, spend the night at his place, and go to school from there the next day. He agreed to this and so did my mum.

By then, he was living with his younger brother who was also older than me. After I finished my assignment, I was so tired that I just fell asleep on the couch. In the middle of the night, I felt a hand touching me in places my mother taught me no boy should touch. I opened my eyes and saw my cousin, the younger one. He was the one touching me inappropriately. I tried to fight him off but he was stronger than me.

The only weapon available to me was my voice. So I started shouting my older cousin’s name. This boy holding me down against my will said, “Stop shouting. My brother is not home. There’s no one coming to save you.” My panic heightened and I started crying. I begged him over and over again before he let me go.

Although he didn’t force himself on me, he touched me. I was hurt, sad, and angry. I wanted something really bad to happen to him. I really wanted to report him to my mother but I was afraid. Knowing my mother, she would deal with him with the full force of a protective mother. What then would happen to her fractured relationship with her sister? I know I shouldn’t have concerned myself with adult problems but I had front-row seats to their bickering and quarrels all my life. I didn’t want to give them another reason to continue their chaotic behavior. So I kept what my cousin did to me shut between my legs.

Over time, I mastered the art of acting normal in front of everyone. However, whenever I found myself alone, I would break down and cry. I blamed myself for what happened. “If I hadn’t followed my older cousin home, none of this would have happened,” I thought. What even made things worse for me was the way Julius behaved whenever he saw him. He had no guilt nor remorse on his face. He behaved as if nothing had ever happened between us.

One day, he came to our house. I didn’t want to see his face and get angry so I stayed in my room. I wasn’t well so my mum didn’t try to get me to come out and socialize with him. He was around till nightfall. I remember telling my mum that it was late so should let him go home. She told me, “He is my son. This is his house too. He can stay as long as he wants.” I couldn’t have insisted he left without telling my mother why so I let it go.

When it was time for bed, I went to sleep in my mother’s room so I wouldn’t give Julius the chance to do anything sickening. At dawn, my mum woke up and left the house for a prayer meeting. I remember waking up to lock the door after her. However, a few minutes later I felt someone touching me. I panicked at once because I knew it was Julius.

I fought him off while crying but he wouldn’t let me go. So I started praying. I don’t know what he saw but he got up and left. Once again, he didn’t penetrate but he touched me in all the wrong ways. My mum came to meet me crying in her bed. When she asked what was wrong, I couldn’t talk. I admit, it was the right time for me to open up but I just couldn’t. All I kept thinking about was the way it would affect my mother’s relationship with her sisters.

I became a hollowed-out version of myself. I carried a lot of resentment in my heart for this cousin of mine. I felt sad and angry when other members of the family sang his praises. I was constantly haunted by the memories of his abuse. Nonetheless, I couldn’t open up to anyone about it.

When I got to SHS, there was a guy in my school who looked like Julius. I hated him for that. I avoided this boy like a plague. In our final year, he seemed to be everywhere. I would sit down to study for my WASSCE and he would show up next to me. I knew he was looking for a way to get close to me but I could not allow it. His face alone triggered me in so many ways. That’s how badly my cousin traumatized me.

At one point, I couldn’t take it anymore so I gathered all the courage I could get and confided in a teacher I trusted. I told him everything that happened and how I hated the guy in the school. After listening to me, he counseled me. His advice really helped me and I was able to write my exams successfully.

At the university, I found it difficult to make friends. You would think I would have gotten past the abuse in my past but it clung onto me like clingwrap. I was getting flashes and nightmares. I could be watching something or reading and tears would just be rolling down my eyes.

When things became unbearable, I sought professional help. I didn’t understand why I had to lose my mind over someone who was living his life without a care in the world. I saw three counselors and did everything they asked me to do. It helped me cope with the triggers. It got to a point where the nightmares even stopped.

However, trauma is unpredictable. Just when I start to feel I have made a lot of progress, I go back to square one. All the help I got from the professionals was erased when I found myself in a situation that triggered me. A boy kissed me when I wasn’t expecting him to. I pushed him so hard that he hit his head on the wall behind him. That day was the undoing of my healing journey. Everything I have done from that moment to get better didn’t work. Not even fasting and prayers.

I am now out of school. I have a good job and a good man who would give me an entire galaxy if it was for sale and money wasn’t an issue. It took me four solid years to accept to build a love life with him but he patiently waited till I was ready. Trust me, he is the best thing that has happened to me so far. He is God-fearing, and respectful. I too love him as dearly as he loves me.

We have agreed not to have sex before marriage. We made some exceptions for kissing though. He knows what I went through and he has been very understanding. Now, the problem is me and my baggage.

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I get so moody when I get these flashbacks and nightmares. It’s affecting the way I relate to him. I want to make my man happy but my trauma keeps getting in the way. Just recently, we were kissing and out of nowhere I burst into tears. He felt so bad for me and felt very uneasy. As I said earlier, this guy would give everything just for me to be happy. He suggested, “Do you want to talk to a specialist again? I can go with you if that will help.”

I know I need help but the thought of having to explain these episodes to someone new again is unappealing to me. Seeing a therapist will open old wounds for me. And I am not sure I am ready to handle all of that.

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We have our good days but the bad days throw him off balance. I believe he deserves better than I am giving him so I asked for a break up. He said, “I am not going anywhere. I will be by your side until we conquer this mountain. So rest your mind.” A love like this, who can find? I am so happy to have him but I also want to be better for him. Apart from seeing a professional and talking about my feelings, what else can I do to cope with the triggers and flashbacks? I want to be able to kiss my man without having a mental breakdown.

As for my cousin, I have prayed to God to give me the strength to forgive him. My relatives still don’t know what he did. The reason I kept quiet didn’t even pay off. We are all grown up but my mother and her siblings continue to have problems. The day peace reigns between them is the day I will experience a miracle up close.

—Bona

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