My boyfriend works at the mortuary. I knew before I said yes to him. It wasn’t a problem until it is a problem. Maybe it’s in my head but whatever it is, it’s drawing me away from the way I look at him and how I enjoyed his love for me.

I was curious about his job and what he did when he went to work so I asked a lot of questions about it. He told me everything. I was intrigued so I kept asking questions every day.

I don’t know, maybe it was out of frustration or something, one afternoon he sent me a video of him preparing a fresh dead body. It wasn’t that long. I watched everything. After watching the video, I went out and spat out the mountain of saliva that had built in my mouth. From there everything started going downhill.

When he tries to touch me I cringe. When he kisses me, I run to the washroom several times to rinse my mouth but my mouth won’t stop cooking saliva for me. Shuperu is the worst part of it all. It’s dry so I end up getting bruises. Sometimes I push him away, telling him I’m tired or sick or fainting.

It’s hard not to think of me as a dead body whenever he tries to touch me. I feel his hands are not clean enough. As a matter of fact, I wish I never saw him treat a dead body the way he did. The way he plays with my skin and the way he works on dead bodies are very similar. It could be in my head but how do I get such thoughts out of my head and my memory?

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I’ve deleted the video. I’ve deleted everything that reminds me of it but what I saw still lingers in my memory, clingy and always present like my shadow in the light. How do I come back to the normal place? I mean the place before watching the video.

—Ama

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