I have been in a relationship with this Yoruba guy for the past six months. When we first met, he was generous toward me. He brought me gifts anytime we had to meet. “If you need anything ask me,” he would say. Indeed, there was nothing I asked this guy that he didn’t give me. He was consistent with calls as well. Every time he called he would tell me, “I love you, babe. I can’t wait to marry you.” The way he went about it, he sounded so genuine.  

At twenty-seven, I was single and looking for Mr. Right. He also said he was ready to settle down and start a family. I asked if he was sure and he responded, “At my age, what else am I looking for if not peace of mind and stability? I am thirty-eight. I believe it’s time for me to be a family man.” He behaved so maturely. All I saw when I looked at him was my Mr. Right. 

For the first two months of our relationship, he was a perfect gentleman. Everything he did gave me the impression that I was the one for him. I fell for all his smooth moves and juicy promises. I even envisioned our life together. It was just as perfect as the man I was crazy about. 

It was after these first two months in the relationship that I agreed to sleep with him. The moment we started having intimacy, he changed. First, I caught him in a lie. Before the relationship began, he had assured me that he was single. Even when we started dating, I repeatedly asked him, “Are you sure you don’t have any other woman hiding somewhere?” “No, there is only you. My ex broke up with me long before I met you,” he swore. 

I believed him until I went through his phone when he started changing. That was when I found out that he was still chatting with this supposed ex. He had saved her number as “My Dear” while he saved mine under my business name. His gallery was flooded with her photos, while there was not a single photo of me in there. 

I didn’t have a confrontation with him when I found out. I calmly sat him down and asked why he lied to me. He claimed he didn’t. “She is an ex. I just haven’t gotten around to deleting her photos, but now that I see that you have a problem with them, I will delete them. I will delete her number too. Finally, I will change your name to a sweet name on my phone. Will that make you happy?” I said yes thinking he would keep his word. He hasn’t done it till now.

Another thing I discovered had to do with his exes. Whenever he started dating someone, he would introduce them to his family, colleagues, and even his boss. This is how he treated his exes but when it came to me, he refused to introduce me to anyone. 

I don’t know if he is ashamed of me or if he knows something I don’t. He seems hellbent on hiding me from everyone in his life. On days I called to tell him, “Babe, I miss you. I am coming over,” he would tell me no. All the times I went to see him, they were on his terms.

He would call me when he was in the mood to see me. And it is always at night. He would then wake up early in the morning and disturb my sleep. “It’s morning,” he would say, “You have to go home.” You might think it’s a joke but this guy wouldn’t let me breathe until I am out of his apartment before sunrise. 

I always leave his place feeling sad and empty. It even hurts more when he doesn’t call to ask if I got home safely. If I don’t call him, he would just go silent on me until he is in the mood to see me again. I would show up and we would have intimacy as always. Right after that, he would go back to ghosting me. 

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I feel like I am not truly his girlfriend. Maybe I am just a woman he likes to keep for himself. The only thing we do together as a couple is intimacy. He doesn’t take me out to his social gatherings. Nonetheless, when I go out with my friends he would get angry and fight with me.

Sometimes when I look back at how we started, I ask myself how someone can change within such a short period. The only thing about him that remains the same is his generosity. He can be ignoring my calls but the moment I tell him I need something, he would drop everything and get it for me. Anything I ask, he gives me. 

The Secret He Wasn’t Telling Me Was On His Phone


When he is being generous, I tell myself it’s because he loves me. However, when he starts ghosting me, I am convinced it’s because the other lady he claims is his ex is still in the picture. At this point, I don’t know what to believe. I feel so confused.

I don’t know if I should leave or give him time to change. I have gotten to a point where I am completely in love with him. I feel depressed that he might not feel the same way. It’s even worse when I consider the fact that all my friends are in stable relationships and some are even married, yet I can’t get a guy to be consistent with me. What do I do?

— Esther

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