She called to tell me she was pregnant at the time when everything was wrong in my life. I didn’t have a stable job, I didn’t have a place I could call my own, I was struggling just to survive and she knew it. I told her, “No we can’t have it. You know my situation in life and you know a child is a luxury we can’t afford at the moment.” I thought I had said enough to convince her but the days ahead proved that she had her own mind and she had already made up her mind on what to do. Nothing I said mattered. She told me, “Your situation in life isn’t permanent. Tomorrow it may change and I and the baby would be here waiting for you.” 

I asked about her own future plans and I asked if they included a baby. She had also completed school not too long ago and was waiting for national service postings. I painted a gloomy picture of the future for her just to make her change her mind but she never did. When the time came for her to name the father of her child, she mentioned my name so I went with my family to claim ownership of the child. That spelt the end of our relationship. I felt betrayed. I felt she didn’t have our interest at heart and was thinking about her own interest so even after I’d accepted responsibility for the child, I told her we couldn’t continue with the relationship. We broke up the day she made up her mind to have the child. 

Four years later, I had a job that paid me enough to dream about a better tomorrow. I’d left town and was living a new life in a new location. I never for once shirked responsibility for the child. She was four and was in school. I was the one paying fees. I was sending monthly allowance for her upkeep and was also taking care of her medical bills as and when she fell sick. I was on good terms with my baby mama just for the sake of our child. 

When I met Jennifer and realized she was a woman I would like to spend my future with, I told her about my child and how I came to have her. I asked if she had problems with it and she answered, “I’m fine. I mean the child’s mother is no longer in the picture and from the way you narrated the story, she’s not a troublesome baby mama so I don’t have a problem at all.” 

I went home with Jennifer and we used the opportunity to meet my daughter. I introduced Jennifer to my baby mama and the two of them engaged in a beautiful conversation. All was well and I was happy that I could reconcile my past with my present. It only assured me of a beautiful future. A year later, just around the time Jennifer and I were talking about marriage, baby mama had a job and was brought to the same town that I was in. She called to tell me and I congratulated her. I asked if she was coming to town with the child and she told me, “No. It’s very busy around here and I can’t begin a new life with a child hanging around my neck. She would be with my mom until I find my feet around here.”

I helped her get a place to stay and I even made financial contributions to her rent. I told Jennifer about it because I wanted to be as transparent as possible. When she was moving in, she called for my help and I went to help her. While working with her in her new place, emotions got over and we did it. Right at the centre of her messy place, we found a little room to be us again. It was great and it felt like we never left. It became a thing. Every once in a while, we would arrange and have shuperu at her place. Even when I was attending counselling with Jennifer, I found free time to hit it with my baby mama. I wasn’t proud of what was happening but it felt like I’d lost control of myself. 

The first time it happened, we couldn’t use protection so I asked if she was safe and she told me, “I’m not ready to have another child until marriage so I’m on birth control.” It felt safer so from there, we hit it without any form of protection. A couple of weeks before my wedding, baby mama called to tell me she was pregnant. 

“Hey, if this is a joke then I’m laughing so please stop it,” I told her. “You know it’s not possible, right? What happened to the BC you’re on?” She answered, “Oh, I was lying ooo. Did you take it seriously? How can I be on a BC when I don’t even have a boyfriend? I was joking. I didn’t want you to feel pressured to do anything. And when it happened the first time, I thought it wasn’t going to happen again looking at your situation.” I screamed, “How can you tell me this nonsense? Are you a child? And what did you do when it kept happening and happening? You know what to do right?”

She answered softly, ”Yes, I know what to do. We are going to have another child together.” 

If she was closer to me, I would have done something to her. I felt trapped. I felt she had a game plan while I was just playing for fun. I screamed, “No you can’t have it.” She responded nasally, “Yes we are going to have it.” I screamed again, “You think you’re doing this for me to stop my wedding? You’re lying to yourself. I’m getting married and if you dare try something funny, I swear both of us will find ourselves on the wrong side of the law.” She replied, “Go ahead and get married. Keep lying to yourself that I’m not the one you truly love. I’ll be here waiting for you.”

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Honestly, at some point, I felt it was all an expensive joke just to see how I’ll react. I went to her, sat her down and explained the ramifications of what was happening to her; “You’re going to destroy our lives. Don’t you see it? I can’t marry you. I and Jennifer are too far gone to be stopped. Please do something about it.” She shook her head; “I can’t kill what I have created out of love. It’s too expensive. And Jennifer doesn’t need to know. I won’t even mention your name as the father if that’s what you’re scared of. Just go on and do you. I’ll survive this too.”

On my wedding day, I was scared. I was too scared I started shaking when the pastor asked if anyone knew a reason we couldn’t marry. The room was silent. I was looking through to see if she was coming. I felt my wedding wasn’t going to end on a good note. My heart kept beating faster until after the reception. Right after the wedding, I called her, pleading with her to do something about it. She never did and as I write this, my marriage is only seven months old but I have a woman who’s seven months pregnant for me. 

I’ve been living a lie every day and it’s tormenting my life. Jennifer knows my baby mama is pregnant but she doesn’t know I’m the one responsible. She told me, “We can go for the child so she could have time to build a life with this new man in her life.” Her innocence and ignorance make me feel the heaviness of my guilt each day. I want to confess to her but I can’t predict what Jennifer would do. 

Regardless of everything that has happened, I’ve been a good man to her. I don’t need to blow my trumpet but she tells me all the time the kind of man I’ve been in her life. I’m that man who changed her perceptions about love. I’m the man she calls God sent. Everything good in her life is me. It’s the reason I can’t predict what she’ll do if she gets to know this secret. 

Why Are You Still In This Marriage?–Beads Media

Some days I want to tell her but I sleep over it and the dreams I get are not good. In one of the dreams, she put my favourite drink in a poisoned chalice and put it on my lips urging me to take a sip. It won’t end well if she gets to know but I don’t think this is a secret I can keep for the rest of my life. One day, the shroud covering it will fall off and the sun will shine on it for all to see. I know it, and before that day finally comes, I might have died on several occasions before the final death. I don’t even know the game plan of my baby mama. She’s too calm about it that it scares me. I’m not here to ask what I should do because I can’t have the courage to do anything but deep inside my weary heart, I’m hoping someone can suggest something easy for me to do. Something that would keep my marriage intact though the foundations would be shaken. 

—Gonja

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