I’m on the verge of giving in to an affair with one of the rich men currently trying to get my attention. This is because for the past four years, I have absolutely no desire for my husband. I have no romantic feelings for him either. It’s not as if I am using this as an excuse to step out on him. Believe me, I don’t want to do it but problems in our marriage have pushed me this far. That’s why I am here looking for solutions so I don’t give in to my temptations.

Right from the moment we got married ten years ago, my husband lost his job. He would sit at home and wait for me to go to work and return to come and take care of him as though he was a toddler. He wouldn’t bathe or change his clothes. This man was literally a couch potato. He stunk as a result of his poor hygiene. It made me uncomfortable but I didn’t want to give him a hard time. I would look at him and think, “He must be feeling this low because he is now jobless. Let me do my best for him as a supportive wife so he can get back on his feet as soon as possible.”

While I was taking care of the bills and cooking his meals, my husband was sitting at home flirting with another lady. I found this out when I went through his phone one day after work. There was no evidence that they slept together. All they did was flirt. When I confronted him he apologized and promised to put a stop to it. Now, I know he is not a promiscuous person so I took him at his word and forgave him. Regardless, I was completely turned off by him. I was already halfway there with his refusal to keep himself clean and neat. So the flirting incident escalated it.

All his negative traits aside, he is caring and loving in his own way so I tried my best to make things work. I was sure that if he got a job, all of these issues would be resolved. He believed that too.

As a family, we would hold hands and pray for a financial breakthrough and self-control so he would stop flirting around. I did my best to keep the flame of our faith burning but years down the line, my man remained unemployed and continued to flirt with other women. He was always so remorseful and apologetic whenever I caught him.

Currently, he is into farming. I support this ambition of his with everything I have. Sometimes the harvest is not so bad, and we are able to sell the produce to support the kids’ education. But that’s how far it stretches. He never makes enough to extend to me or pay any bills. This is one of the things killing my interest in him.

I keep asking myself if I am being impatient but it’s been ten years since we got married. Ten years since I started taking care of him and the home. I do it because I know my family depends on me to bring home the bread. This is why I feel he should at least put more effort into getting a stable job while he does the farming on the side. I have had conversations about my concerns with him. Every time he tells me, “I am doing the best I can given the circumstances.” 

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Tell me how as a woman I am supposed to be happy when I have never enjoyed my husband’s provision? The more I think about this, the more I don’t want him to touch me. He is also someone who likes to get down to the action when he gets the chance. Well, for the past four years, I turn him away when he tries. On days, he pesters me until I give in, I end up feeling abused. I am left with bruises too as evidence. And the whole experience leaves me empty, pained, and traumatized.

No matter how strongly I psych myself, I just can’t warm up to his touch. Even when he is being sweet and romantic, my body is repulsed and rejects him. I know things are hard but I understand that marriage is for better or worse. That’s why I am willing to continue praying for a breakthrough for him to get financial muscles. God is faithful so I know He will come through if my husband gets up and puts in efforts. That’s something he claims he does. I am not at home with him so I can only trust that he is not lying and that we will see results soon.

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While we wait, I want to solve the issue of our dead sex life. Because he is no longer doing it for me, I am tempted to give in to the rich men who approach me for an affair so that at least I can feel the care of a man. Don’t get me wrong, I have spoken openly to my husband about my lack of feelings. He knows the reason is our financial instability. And he assures me he is working on it. He sees the torture I experience when he touches me so he has also lost interest in doing it.

I trust that he is not getting his needs met elsewhere. However, the fact that I am tempted to do it gives me the impression that he may also be tempted to do the same. And I don’t want things to get that far for either of us. So I am asking my fellow women out here, what can I do to rekindle my want for him?

I am already close to falling off the deep end. So I need all the advice, tips, suggestions, and anything that can do to help me regain my feelings for my husband before I mess everything up. Kindly counsel me with empathy and love in your heart. If it helps, I am thirty-six while he is two years older.

— Titara

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