Godwin came into my life like an angel in a time of trouble. Kwesi, a man I had given my heart, mind, and body to, was tearing me apart as if he was a rabid dog. I knew he was hurting me, and I knew I should leave him, but for some reason, I couldn’t. And every time Kwesi chipped at my self-esteem he would tell me, “No man can love you apart from me. There is something not right about you. You should thank your lucky stars that I am doing you a favour by being with you.” He said this to me so many times that I started to believe him. I was sure that I was indeed unloveable. Maybe that’s why I couldn’t leave him when everyone around me could tell that he was bad for me.

The moment I tell Kwesi, “I am done. This relationship doesn’t serve my needs anymore,” he would sneer at me. He would ask, “Where do you have to go? Which man apart from me will put up with you? Go, you will come and meet me here.” These words were mere words but they had a hold over me. When he spoke to me, something switched off in my brain, and I would end up staying with him. This was how we went back and forth until I met Godwin. He was such an angel. Where Kwesi was harsh, he was soft. Where Kwesi tore me apart, Godwin stitched me up. He showed me what it meant to be loved. We were just friends but his kindness gave me the strength to walk away from Kwesi. This time when Kwesi sneered and told me no man would love me, Godwin was proof that he was lying.

After I healed from everything Kwesi put me through, Godwin proposed to me. He wanted us to get married as soon as possible. We were already good friends. And I had feelings for him so I did not hesitate to say yes. We planned to tie the knot in 2020, but before we could start the preparations, I found out that I was pregnant. By then I was doing my national service. The allowance we were given was too small an amount to depend on for marriage preparations, let alone a baby. So we put the marriage plans on hold and rather focus our resources on getting ready for the baby’s arrival.

Despite the challenges we faced along the way, we made it through the nine months of pregnancy, and I delivered a beautiful baby boy. Godwin had to relocate to another region for work but we did our best to make it work. He visited us at least once in a school term. And then during vacations, he would take us to the North, where we would spend time bonding as a family. It wasn’t exactly what I wanted but it was the best we could do for the situation. During this period, we fixed our marriage date and postponed it a few times. There is always one problem or the other popping up to make our date inconvenient. I am very sad because of this. Living alone with our son and combining it with work has been hectic.

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When the day ends and our son goes to sleep, this heavy feeling of loneliness creeps into my soul, and sleeps there. I have tried to explain my feelings to Godwin but he doesn’t seem to understand. “What is there to be lonely about?” He would ask. “Although I am far away, you know I love you. Our son adores you. You have a full plate. So where do you get the time to feel lonely?” I wish I had an answer for him, but I don’t. All I know is that I feel emotionally starved. Let’s not even talk about sexual starvation, that one too has been very hard for me. To make matters worse, the surge in fuel prices has made it difficult for Godwin to visit us as often as he used to. So at the end of the day, I feel like I have no one but myself.

In order to fill the void in my life, I decided to further my education. This means more stress for me but at least it keeps me busy and distracted from my sorrow. When I started school I tried to make new friends but most of them didn’t work out. I almost gave up on that but I recently met Kofi. I love his energy. He has this sunshine aura that dispels my melancholy whenever he is around me. He makes me laugh and temporarily forget about my problems. I know we just met but so far he has been good to and for me. We study together, sometimes in person and other times over the phone. Even recently, when Godwin postponed our marriage date again, it didn’t weigh heavily on me. I had Kofi to cheer me up. He is a good friend but here is the problem. I am sexually attracted to him. I don’t know if I feel this way because I haven’t been with Godwin in a while or if I truly am attracted to Kofi.

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I am tempted to give him a try but Godwin has promised to change. He said he would visit us before this new term ends. Should I wait for him for however long it would take for him to be ready? Or should I move on with Kofi? I can tell he likes me too. I am scared and confused and frustrated at the same time. This emotional cocktail brewing inside me is giving me severe anxiety. Please help me decide what to do.

—Marie Claire

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