Maybe Love Is Not Meant For Good Girls Like Me

One of the things my mother always drummed in my head was, “Kuor, you see our situation. We don’t have money and we don’t have any help. It’s too late for me but you still have the chance to turn things around for yourself. Focus on school and make sure you are better than this situation. Kuor, don’t let any boy lie to you and impregnate you. The moment that happens, your education will come to an end and your future will be destroyed. Do you understand?” As often as she gave me this speech, I would nod and say, “Yes, Ma.”

When I got to JHS, my classmates started pairing up to be boyfriends and girlfriends. It looked nice sometimes, but my mother’s speech was so ingrained in my mind that I wouldn’t even look at a boy in a romantic way. And if a boy approached me and tried to show interest in me, I would see them as someone who wants to destroy my future. This helped me to stay away from experiencing the kind of things other girls my age were practicing with boys.

In Senior High School, I changed a little bit. I became flexible when it came to the way I related to boys. There was this nice guy I allowed to be my friend. That’s how it started, friendship. From there we became study mates. Maybe it was proximity or teenage hormones, I can’t explain it. The next thing I realized was, my heart always beat erratically whenever we were close. I always wanted to be in his presence. If I didn’t see him for a day, I would feel empty. It was the first time I felt that way about anyone so I was confused.

I talked about my feelings with my friends and they told me I was in love. “Me? In love with a boy? It’s the end of an era,” I thought. But then again, how could I not love him? This boy was intelligent, kind, and very humble. All the students on campus and teachers loved him. His personality was addictive so the more time I spent with him, the deeper my love grew. The good news was that he loved me too.

The next thing I knew we were dating. We were the kind of couple who were more obsessed with our books than anything else. Like me, he also came from a poor home. In fact, he was poorer than me. Sometimes I had to help him out with the little I had. Our financial difficulties motivated us to study hard. We didn’t even have the time or desire to engage in any physical activities that would mar our future.

When we wrote our WASSCE, we both did exceptionally well. He got help from his uncles and aunties and went to the university. I had to stay home for a while to raise money for training college. Our relationship flourished as we moved ahead in our school lives. Nothing changed for us. We were still hungry for success so we were determined to excel in everything we did. When he got tired and felt like giving up I would encourage him, “Remember the dream, my dear. And we are close to the finish line so keep pushing.” When I also got tired, he would encourage me. Through thick and thin, we were there for each other.

School did not change us but life after school changed the flow of our relationship. He was working while I was still in school. This is where things began to change. He barely made time to talk to me. When I complained he blamed work. He said, “This job takes all my time, I am sorry.” He kept saying he was busy until we started drifting apart. Our plans and goals shattered like ceramic plates.

Oh, I tried. I tried so hard to hold on to my high school sweetheart, but the harder I tried the wider the space between us grew. I started asking questions and talking to people in our lives. That was when I found out that he had gone to impregnate another woman. My world crumbled. I couldn’t believe that he would betray me after everything we went through for nine years. I almost took my life.

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I became the girl everyone pitied. It was not easy. Thankfully, my family, friends, and church folks held my hands through those dark days. After I got better, I entered another relationship. I wasn’t ready but I thought a new love would wash away the pain of my past. However, I realized I was wrong. So I walked away from that relationship too.

I stayed single for two years so I would heal fully before I attempt another relationship. After two years, I felt ready to put myself out there again. I have met several people but I couldn’t connect with any of them, let alone start a relationship with them.

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Just recently, I went into another relationship. I convinced myself that with time I would feel connected to him. However, it didn’t work. The relationship couldn’t see the light of day. I feel disappointed to experience yet another failed relationship. I am ready for love but it seems love is not ready for me. I am someone who doesn’t demand anything when I am in a relationship. I am content with what I earn from my job. I take my spiritual life seriously and I make sure I look my best all the time. People don’t even believe me when I tell them that I don’t have a man in my life. So why can’t it just happen for me?

I am currently thirty-one years old but I feel lost. I was a good girl who did everything my mother told me to. I didn’t follow boys anyhow. I focused on school and now I have a job. But I feel like I have somehow failed at life. I feel so empty and lonely. I have been trusting God to give me a better man than the one I lost but it’s been four years now and I still have no one. Is God not listening to me? Or maybe love truly is not for everyone? Because I don’t understand why it is so difficult for me to love and be loved in return. All I want is a partner with whom I will build a beautiful home. Is that too much to ask for?

–Kuor