Something about Abena made me think she was the one. Till date, if you ask me what that thing was, I wouldn’t be able to tell you. My friend asked me, “Is it because she’s beautiful?” I said Naah. “Is it the way she walks?” “Naah.” “Maybe it’s the way she talks to you. She’s respectful.” “Naah. That’s not it.” “Or it’s because she’s a nurse?” “Nope, I don’t think so.” Then my friend concluded, “My brother, it’s love that’s killing you!”
Was it love?
It might have been love or something bigger. I don’t know.
I’ve had several girlfriends and they all played hard to get during the initial stages of our love. Every one of them put me on hold for a while before saying yes to my proposal. It took me a whole year of proving that I was the one before Ama finally said yes to me. That relationship didn’t even last for even a year. When I found out that she was dating another guy, I told her, “You made me waste a whole year of my life just to come in your life to compete with another guy?”
I left the relationship but most importantly, I left with the notion that women will always play hard to get.
So when I proposed to Abena and she said yes almost immediately, I was very surprised. I asked her, “Don’t you need some time to think it over and see if I’m worth your love?” She answered, “I don’t have anything to think about. You look like Joshua. It makes things easier for me to say yes, hoping this time, it will work out.”
“Who is Joshua?”
She described Joshua as the only man she had truly loved. He was her first-ever boyfriend and the one she lost her virginity to. She said, “Joshua was perfect and he looked like someone God intentionally created for me. He ticks all the boxes and loving him was the easiest thing I’ve ever done.”
If Joshua was that perfect and all, then why didn’t the relationship between them worked out? If you find the one you love and everything is perfect, you stay together and enjoy the love that comes your way so why would love so perfect didn’t end up in marriage or something?
She told me, “Joshua wasn’t the problem. His family was the problem. From the onset, they made it clear that they weren’t going to allow us to be together. His mother hated my tribe and his father had a woman in mind for him already. When the time came for Joshua to find a wife, his mother said no to me because of my tribe and his father brought him his friend’s daughter to marry.”
That happened three years ago before I met her. Her story somehow made me pity her. So maybe yes, it was love and a little bit of pity that made me so obsessed with her. I wanted to be her missing Joshua. I was so desperate to prove to her that I could be everything better than Joshua and that was where our problems started.
She wanted Joshua. She said I looked like Joshua. In my mind, I had to do everything to prove to her that indeed I could be her Joshua. The thing is, I didn’t know who Joshua was so in all my attempts to be like Joshua, I became who I was not. Before I did something, I asked myself, “What would Joshua do?” And then I would go ahead and do exactly what my mind told me.
That’s how love is supposed to be right? You surrender yourself as a sacrifice to please the one you love, isn’t it? But at some point, I was suffering. I could see she was happy but deep within, I wasn’t. I was losing myself. I was hurting but lacked the courage to express my hurt because, in my mind, Joshua wouldn’t do that. I decided to change things around a little bit. Instead of playing Joshua, I was going to give more of myself and see how things go.
Now, it was no more what Joshua would do. It was what’s the best for me and her. It was my way of doing things to make us happy rather than looking out for what Joshua would do.
She started complaining. “Do you know you’ve changed? These days you don’t consider my feelings when you’re doing things. It’s all about you.” Then I’ll ask, “Is there something you think I could do better?” She’ll begin, “When I and Joshua were together…”
Everything she wanted had Joshua in it. If it’s a kiss, she’ll say, “Joshua did it this way and it was awesome.” Even sex, she wanted it the same way Joshua did. I had no problem with that. I was ready to learn and do what pleases her. But the attachment of Joshua to everything somehow begun to get on my nerves.
It was a night at the movies. She had gotten a new job and I thought we could celebrate it with an outing. I thought of going to a place where we could sit, eat, drink and talk about ourselves. She chose the cinema instead. I’m not a movie kind of guy but I followed. Things we do for love. Immediately we sat down she said, “I remember the last time I was here with Joshua…” Immediately my mind flipped. I didn’t even listen to what followed.
May was my birthday. She called and asked what the plan was. I told her, “I don’t have any plans. I would be home after work .” She suggested we do something. Maybe meet after work and have dinner together. Something small. So after work, I met her and went to this small restaurant around town.
Immediately we sat down, she handed me a parcel and said happy birthday. I opened the parcel and it was a beautiful wristwatch. I said, “Wow, that’s beautiful.” She smiled and said, “That’s Joshua’s kind of gift. That guy loves watches!”
That was it. I wasn’t going to be there and listen to lectures on Joshua. It was about time I told her how annoying she sounded, talking about Joshua all the time.
I might have gone overboard. I might have said something out of frustration. Something bad. She got infuriated and left the restaurant. Our night was cut short.
After a while, when tempers had gone, I asked, “What will it take and what will I do right to get you not to talk about Joshua again?” She said, “His name keeps popping up because of what we had together. Are you getting jealous that I talk about him?”
“No I’m not jealous,” I said.”It only makes me feel not enough. We’ve dated for close to a year, and the fact that you still mention him makes me feel inadequate. It’s like I’m not doing anything in your life and that hurts.”
She was quiet for a while. I asked her, “If Joshua comes back to you today and ask you to be his girlfriend, would you say yes?” She answered, “He’s not coming back.” I said, “Let’s assume he comes back today and ask you out. Would you say yes?”
She stood there as though she didn’t have an answer to my question. She was contemplating. And then she answered, “I would say no. Because love between us wouldn’t take us anywhere.”
That was all I wanted to hear. In fact, I was very glad that she said what she said. It gave me the power to ask for a chance for us to build our relationship the way it’s better for us. I told her, “I’m glad you know he’s not coming back. He belongs to your past so move on. Stop talking about him and stop dreaming about your past with him. Give me a chance as I am and not because I look like Joshua.”
Anytime the truth appears in a relationship, no matter how stubborn our hearts are, they listen. It might fight the truth but the truth has a way of taking over our senses. She saw the truth in what I said and slowly begun to adjust to what we had. It didn’t change that very day but there was an improvement and our life got better and better.
I said I didn’t know why I loved her but that day when we began our counseling session and the pastor asked me the same question, I answered, “I love her because she’s the only one I see spending the rest of my life with.”
It didn’t accurately answer the question but it was close. Here we are today, without the memories of Joshua but the memories of our wedding day, our first child and the day we fought because of food. We are creating our own memories together. No more Joshua.
—Ekow, Ghana
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